Friday, October 31, 2008

While I'm Waiting

Last night I went to see the movie "Fireproof" and loved it. My friend summed it up best, "the acting was not top notch, but the message was wonderful". I completely agree.

The scene that touched me the most was when the husband was having a hard time trying to save his marriage to a woman that wasn't so sure there was anything worth saving. The song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller played as it showed him trying to throw himself into his job-trying to be the best person he could be despite the circumstances-all while strengthening his new found faith in the Lord. Here are the Lyrics:

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

I know my situation is completely different from the one in this movie, but the words to this song sound so much like my own. While I wait for my chance to have a family I don't want to be bitter and hateful, rather peaceful and full of hope. I don't want this trying time to stop me from worshiping God and thanking Him for all I've been given, or keep me from living my life to the fullest.

So patiently, faithfully, I will wait.

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish."
-John Quincy Adams

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Phone Consult, Part II

My phone consult has been moved. Again.

I received a phone call this morning asking if I could move my appointment up from 4pm to 2:30pm this afternoon. Unfortunately I can't, because I work until 3:30pm and this isn't exactly a phone call I can take during work hours (I don't want my co-workers hearing about my cervical mucous and my husbands sperm). So once again, I've been rescheduled, because Dr. Greene still isn't feeling well. I do sympathize with him though, because he's got the same nasty tonsillitis that I've had myself for almost a month now. And in their defence, the office did try to fit me in tomorrow and the next day, but their next available 4pm appointment isn't until next Thursday.

So I wait again, for one more week, and remind myself to be thankful for this opportunity. Besides, what did I expect? It's a free phone consult with a real, live RE. It was almost too good to be true in the first place. And I've already waited 21 months, so what's one more week? I've got all the time in the world...

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."
-H. Jackson Brown

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Phone Consult

didn't happen.

Dr. Greene was out sick yesterday, so my appointment has been changed to Thursday at 4pm. I'll update on Friday and let everyone know how it goes!

“May God give you...For every storm a rainbow, for every tear a smile, for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial. For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share, for every sigh a sweet song and an answer for each prayer.”
-Irish Blessing

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Best Things In Life Are Free

...aren't they?

It's been over a week since I left a message with my Dr.'s office, and I still haven't received a call back; I'm pretty sure they're avoiding me. I just want to talk to the Dr. and see where we should go from here, but since they aren't responding, I'm taking matters into my own hands.

I explained in my last post our reasoning for not utilizing a reproductive endocrinologist yet, mostly because of distance and expense. But then someone brought to my attention an organization called Sher Institutes with an office in Sacramento that is giving free consultations (valued at $250-$500) to anyone who's interested and books an appointment during this week, which happens to be Infertility Awareness Week. Although it sounded kind of sketchy to me, I figured it wouldn't hurt to call and find out some more information, especially if it's FREE information. The office was really nice and set me up with a consultation over the phone (so I don't have to drive down to Sac) on Monday evening. They have all of my background information and are going to review it over the next few days. I'm still a little leery of this phone consult, but it's free and I'm willing to take the chance. Besides, I did some research and checked them out-they are real-and they may be able to give me some answers, or at least a little guidance. And if they start to freak me out I can always hang up on them, right?

I'm excited to finally talk with an RE, even if it's over the phone. I'll report back next week and let you know how my consult goes. Wish me luck!

For anyone else interested, here's the information:

"Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes the furthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The "sure thing" boat never gets far from shore."
- Dale Carnegie

Friday, October 17, 2008

My Choice

Just last weekend I was caught off guard when asked how I've managed to remain positive while dealing with almost 2 years of TTC.

Me, always positive? I must put on a pretty darn good show, because although I try my best to be, I sure don't feel successful for the most part. In fact, more times than not I feel guilty when uncontrollable feelings of grief, jealousy, envy, and bitterness creep in, especially when I hear of a new pregnancy. Whether it's achieved by a stranger I've never met or someone I love dearly, I can't help but feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. Hard. I know God has a plan and a purpose for everything, but I still have trouble accepting His will at times. And no matter how positive I remain, I still hurt. I still feel betrayed by my body, I still feel like a failure. I still feel scared and haunted everyday by the very real possibility that I may never be able to give birth to the children my husband deserves.

For the first time in my life, I can't have what I want, when I want it. As horribly selfish as this sounds, it's the truth. My parents can't buy a baby for me, I can't passionately talk my way into a pregnancy, and being the control freak that I am, I've officially been faced with something that I have absolutely no control over.

I'm convinced God has given me this trial to help me grow, and to teach me the virtue of patience and leaning on Him at all times. When everything is perfect, we loose sight of the fact that we need God. I've always known He was there, and I'd accepted Him as my savior and trusted Him to give me an eternal home in Heaven, but looking back now I'm not sure I ever felt that I truly needed Him for anything else.

So this is my trial, this is my lesson to defeat selfishness, weakness, and my opportunity to turn to God and let HIM have complete control of my life. In Him and because of Him I have faith. And because I have faith, I have hope. And because of this hope I'm able to remain positive, knowing the key to my happiness doesn't lie in having a baby, rather in finding contentment in what I already have. I've said it a million times before, but I believe that God never gives us more than we can handle. He wouldn't put me through this trial if He didn't think I'd come out on the other side a better, stronger person.

I guess my answer to the questions would be that we each have the choice of how to deal with the situations we're given. I could spend my days engulfed in worry, bitterness and self-pity, or I can make the choice to use my situation for good by sharing my experiences and helping others.

So with the constant encouragement and endless support of my family and close friends, fused with the faith and hope of a better day to come, I wake up every single morning and make a conscious choice to trust the Lord and surrender to His will for my life. As much as I would love for that plan to include a baby it may not, and while I may not always be okay with that I've accepted it. I'll continually choose to remain positive, because-with or without a baby-life goes on.

And I'm on a mission to make mine a positive one.

"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but how we react to what happens; not by what life brings us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark, that creates extraordinary results."
- Author Unknown

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

SA Results

Drum roll and a long dramatic pause please...

Normal. Didn't see that one coming. And it only took 50million phone calls and 2 ridiculously long weeks to get it.

No joke, the nurse's exact words were "Oh yes, we have them...and it looks like the Dr. has signed off on them as normal". And then she read me the numbers, which were actually a bit lower than last time, and that was it. I took all I had in me not to say "look here, buddy, I need some answers. What am I supposed to do!? You guys keep saying these results are "normal", but they are low. And our post wash counts are low. So please just tell me what to do!" Instead, I just asked if she thinks my husband and I should visit a urologist, to which she replied, "uh, I wouldn't".

So being the good listener that I am, I called anyway to make an appointment with a urologist. And the receptionist made it clear to me that not only are they not fertility doctors, but it really isn't necessary to make an appointment unless my husband has prostrate cancer. Apparently just going in for a check-up and to have him look over our SA results is not something normal people do.

I suppose I should have known this would happen. Anyone else in our position would have made the switch from a regular gynecologist to a fertility specialist a year ago. But in our case, the closest RE is 3 hours away, and since our gyno has done all of our testing and everything has looked so good, we haven't been able to justify spending the extra money or 3 hour trip south to meet with a RE. But an RE probably would have given us some answers by now, and that may have to be our next step...I think I've just found my answer.

Despite our set-backs, today is still a good day. Maybe our sperm is only borderline and our post-wash counts low, but at least we have sperm to work with. Things for us could be so much worse. I do have options, and I will find some answers; even if it means driving 3 hours south to meet with a RE that actually knows a thing or two about unexplained infertility, sensitive cervix's, and low post-wash sperm counts.

Yes, today is still a good day.

"You're not going to make me have a bad day. If there's oxygen on earth and I'm breathing, it's going to be a good day."
- Cotton Fitzsimmons, Head Coach-Phoenix Suns

Friday, October 3, 2008

Emily Faulknor Photography

Last month we decided to get our pictures taken as a gift to each other for our anniversary. We found Emily Faulkner through a mutual friend, and instantly fell in love with her style of photography. She was absolutely amazing to work with, and she has this incredible joy and love for the Lord that shows through everything that she does. Here are some of the pictures that she took for us:

Want to see more? Go to and click on the link to enter her site. Once you're in, click on the CLIENTS tab and type in the password: wandt2008

You'd probably never notice, but a little part of me was dying on the inside during this photo shoot. This was the day we found that our first IUI didn't work and I was completely devastated. I was so sure I would be pregnant, I really thought the IUI would work. I had actually planned to bring our +HPT from that morning and have Emily take a few pictures of us with it so that we would always remember it. It seemed like the perfect plan-but it wasn't meant to be-we never got our positive pregnancy test.

I think these pictures have taught me a lesson; they're proof that if you let it happen, something beautiful can come out of even the ugliest and most disappointing day. Thank you Emily, for making the memory of that day more beautiful than painful and for filling it with more smiles than tears!

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow."
-Helen Keller

Thursday, October 2, 2008

What Now?

So which way do we go from here?
Anywhere, as long as we get somewhere.

Another IUI? Another trip to the Dr. to discuss a more aggressive treatment? A much needed break cycle while we find some answers? As much as I want a baby, I would rather we take our time and do it right. At this point I can't justify doing another IUI/clomid cycle until we figure out what's going on with these crazy-low post wash counts.

Our previous basic SA was done about a year ago, and several Dr.'s have looked at it since then and said it's "fine". The numbers were said to be normal, with a borderline slightly low morph, but nothing that would really keep us from achieving a pregnancy. However; these past three sperm washes have proven that something may not be "fine", all of the counts have come back pretty low. Usable, but low. So as soon as that HPT turned negative last Monday, I was on the phone with my Dr. asking what he recommends. He thought it would be wise to do another SA and go from there. So this morning my poor husband did his business in a cup for the fourth time in the last two months, and now we wait.

Speaking of waiting...AF hasn't officially shown up yet thanks to the dramatic dragging out of my luteal phase brought on by my beloved (and unnecessary?) progesterone. But our spirits are up as we wait on the possibility of finally getting some answers other than a sensitive cervix. And I'm over whining and complaining about our situation, obviously God has us here for a reason and I plan on trying to enjoy the ride. I know God has a bigger plan for us then we could ever imagine and I just need to trust that, lean on Him, pick myself up and move on. Fall is in the air, the holidays are coming up fast, and I have too much to be thankful for to be dwelling on the uncontrollable.

So here's to going somewhere, anywhere, and finding some answers.

'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
'That depends on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
'I don't much care where' said Alice.
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
'so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.
-Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland