Friday, October 17, 2008

My Choice

Just last weekend I was caught off guard when asked how I've managed to remain positive while dealing with almost 2 years of TTC.

Me, always positive? I must put on a pretty darn good show, because although I try my best to be, I sure don't feel successful for the most part. In fact, more times than not I feel guilty when uncontrollable feelings of grief, jealousy, envy, and bitterness creep in, especially when I hear of a new pregnancy. Whether it's achieved by a stranger I've never met or someone I love dearly, I can't help but feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. Hard. I know God has a plan and a purpose for everything, but I still have trouble accepting His will at times. And no matter how positive I remain, I still hurt. I still feel betrayed by my body, I still feel like a failure. I still feel scared and haunted everyday by the very real possibility that I may never be able to give birth to the children my husband deserves.

For the first time in my life, I can't have what I want, when I want it. As horribly selfish as this sounds, it's the truth. My parents can't buy a baby for me, I can't passionately talk my way into a pregnancy, and being the control freak that I am, I've officially been faced with something that I have absolutely no control over.

I'm convinced God has given me this trial to help me grow, and to teach me the virtue of patience and leaning on Him at all times. When everything is perfect, we loose sight of the fact that we need God. I've always known He was there, and I'd accepted Him as my savior and trusted Him to give me an eternal home in Heaven, but looking back now I'm not sure I ever felt that I truly needed Him for anything else.

So this is my trial, this is my lesson to defeat selfishness, weakness, and my opportunity to turn to God and let HIM have complete control of my life. In Him and because of Him I have faith. And because I have faith, I have hope. And because of this hope I'm able to remain positive, knowing the key to my happiness doesn't lie in having a baby, rather in finding contentment in what I already have. I've said it a million times before, but I believe that God never gives us more than we can handle. He wouldn't put me through this trial if He didn't think I'd come out on the other side a better, stronger person.

I guess my answer to the questions would be that we each have the choice of how to deal with the situations we're given. I could spend my days engulfed in worry, bitterness and self-pity, or I can make the choice to use my situation for good by sharing my experiences and helping others.

So with the constant encouragement and endless support of my family and close friends, fused with the faith and hope of a better day to come, I wake up every single morning and make a conscious choice to trust the Lord and surrender to His will for my life. As much as I would love for that plan to include a baby it may not, and while I may not always be okay with that I've accepted it. I'll continually choose to remain positive, because-with or without a baby-life goes on.

And I'm on a mission to make mine a positive one.

"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but how we react to what happens; not by what life brings us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark, that creates extraordinary results."
- Author Unknown


rebekah said...

Wow!! That was written so well!! I know what it feels like to face the fact that I may never give birth, and it hurts and stinks and is one of the hardest things to face, BUT our Lord is right there with us. Isn't is wonderful how even in this VERY hard situaion, and in all of your dissapointments and saddness, you are still able to show the joy and hope that the Lord gives!! Your choice to remain positive and "keep going" is such a great example to many. Remember you are in my prayers, and you are in HIS hands!! (what a great place to be)

WantWait&Pray said...

Thank you for this post. It is so well written, so encouraging and so true. We are not alone in this struggle- God is here with us every step of the way offering his Grace. I know when I tend to focus on all that I don't have, I get a simple reminder of all that I DO have and I am instantly humbled. I want a baby, I want a family with my husband. But that underlying fear is wiped away with the knowledge that God will and does provide. I know we'll have a family someday- this journey we are on is really helping us to realize the power of prayer, the power of trusting in the Lord and the magnitude of our blessings- all that we have right now. Thank you for this post and for the reminder that we have a choice in how we deal with this are a blessing and I am keeping you in my prayers!

Jennifer said...

Seriously Tab, I could have written this one myself! For my whole life, things have come relatively easy to me. If it wasn't given to me, I worked hard for it and got it myself. I've been lucky in the family and love department too so I naturally thought I'd be lucky in the baby department as well. I truly believe that God is working in a way that will make me a stronger person in the future. Thank you for posting this; it's nice to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. You'll be in my prayers.

t.bird said...

i needed to read that. i've been struggling lately with the "why's?" & "when's?" and i hate to question God so i'm doing my best not to.

i love the moments of clarity though- every now & then i just stop and realize that i'm not alone- no matter what, He's there & He listens & He understands.

so yeah- one day in His time- but until then we wait. sometimes i feel like Hannah, but i think she was much stronger than i :)