Monday, November 23, 2009

A New Beginning

Today, I realized I'm officially a "multiple IVFer".

A title usually reserved for couples who have more severe problems than slight MFI, it basically means you've undergone several IVF attempts. As in more than one. Derived from our original thinking that it would only take us one try at IVF to become pregnant, the intensity of this role hit me hard.

I contemplated how in the world this happened, how we managed to get here. Questioning how we became that couple, the one in their mid twenties with perfect health and non-alcohol, smoke free rockstar ovaries, still un-impregnated after almost three years and two full IVF cycles.

Well, one and a half to be exact, but still.

After the trauma of today's realization settled, I deemed it necessary to treat myself to the only drug that ever works for me. I purchased a previously denied, much deserved, caffeine laden Frappachino that I enjoyed immensely until I remembered that I was sipping poison into my veins.

Because come December 30th we'll secretly be moving on to IVF number three-holding tight to our freshly earned title of multiple IVFers-and caffeine is thus far still forbidden.

So now you hold the key to the largest part of the reason this blog has officially become private. It all started about a month ago when my ridiculously generous parents let us know that they were ready when we were to try again, mere seconds after the results of our negative beta was released.

At the time we respectfully declined, but not because we weren't physically or mentally ready to try again. The truth was that we just couldn't bring ourselves to accept even more money from bank of mom and dad again, especially on the eve of our previously failed IVF.

I could practically see their money getting flushed down the toilet as I threw the negative HPT into the trash, and it killed me.

However, my father isn't one to take no for an answer, and he spent the next few days reminding me that they can afford it, they are willing to do it, and I'll understand their logic and undying suport when I have my own children.

And the fact that he-and my eggs-aren't getting any younger.

Mostly due to our unfeigned desire to attain a biological child, it didn't take long to break down our defenses. And while I'm still struggling with pride and guilt ridden thoughts of being the most expensive child ever as my parents once again pay out an extremely large sum of their own money in a crappy economy to fix a problem that isn't even their own, I'm trying instead to focus on the gratitude I feel for this blessing that God has provided for us.

But this time, we're following through with this new chapter of our journey in a more secretive form. Although I'd never change the past-and the fact that everyone we knew and their mother supported us throughout these last two cycles-we've decided to change things up. No one besides us, my parents, and the blog sphere will be made aware of our endeavours this time around.

This is our chance to shed the label of infertile and be somewhat normal for once. Under our current circumstances, we now have a unique opportunity to advance through this next cycle in secret, soaking up the prayers that I know are still going up for us, all while being able to do what we've always wanted to do.

Become pregnant, make it through the first trimester, and surprise everyone with our news.

So that-mixed with a slight change in our med regimen that I'll talk about in an upcoming post-is our new plan. We'll embrace our controversial title of multiple IVFers and stand proud, excited for what is to come and ready to take another shot at our own version of faith mixed with medical intervention.

This is our new beginning, complete with a new ending.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
-Maria Robinson

Monday, November 9, 2009

Coming To Conclusions

It's official; Think (+) Positive is going private.

Blogger only allows 100 readers when you switch your blog to private, so I'm going to give everybody one more week to request an invite before I make the official switch. As of right now, I there are only a handful of spots available and I'm first-come-first-serving, so if you want an invite e-mail me soon at before time-and spots-are gone.

I would really love to continue sharing this journey with the entire world, but we know without a doubt the best thing for us is to make this blog private, at least for a little while. Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support, we need them now more than ever as we venture back to the beginning of our journey where times were easy, life was simple, and we had all the hope in the world that we'd be parents someday.

Because now, after almost three long years and a roller coaster of emotions, we are back to square one.

Presumably, right where God wants us to be.

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Because there are questions without answers,
flames that never die,
And heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord,
How could I ask for more
- Cindy Morgan Lyrics

Monday, November 2, 2009

Private Practice

In light of our second failed IVF cycle, I'm considering setting my blog to private.

When I started this journey, I didn't think twice about displaying my life for the public to see. Friends, family members, and fellow blogger's that I've never met in real life have given me encouragement and feedback that have helped me out tremendously, with the exception of a few weirdo's and their crazy comments.

But my life isn't the only one on display.

Although I'm abnormally indiscreet about all things infertile and medical, out of respect of my very discrete husband I'd like to try a private blog for a few months, just as we struggle with decisions that will lead to our next steps in the future. He didn't ask me to do this, and in fact he knows nothing about this, but close friends and family members follow this blog that place my husband and our life out on display for the world to see. And although I brought this upon myself by choosing to share our journey with everyone, sometimes it's hard to live under a microscope.

Even when you created the microscope yourself.

There is nothing secretive going on, and we aren't trying to hide anything from our loved ones and good friends. We still don't know what the future holds, or what our next steps will be, and I'm not sure if I'll even follow through with making this blog private. In fact, I may just take a nice long break and focus on my God, my health, and my husband. But either way, I want each and every one of you to know how much your prayers, support and love have meant to us.

I don't want to loose any readers, so I hope that everyone will send me an email at to request to be added to the list that can access my blog if I do choose to make this a private practice. If I know you in real life, I probably won't be granting you access during this time, but please know that I love you and appreciate your prayers. I'm just trying my best to make this blog as real as possible, and that may require some honesty that could possibly be difficult for me to convey properly knowing that people we love interact with on a daily basis are reading.

Please know that I love you and I thank God for you every day; but I need to try something different.

“Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary. And when you want them back? Good luck with that one.”
-Margret Cho