Monday, August 10, 2009

These Days

I haven't been blogging much these days.

Mostly it's been difficult making the switch from daily documenting of all things IVF, back to regular blogging of all things infertility. It's also strange not having to produce a post title involving some form of the word shot; almost as strange as not receiving or giving myself scheduled shots or taking a pill of some sort.

I really am doing well, despite the fact that our first IVF-although expected to be our miracle-was just one more failure. So well in fact, that I've actually wondered if something were wrong with me.

The grief does come in waves, but not like I expected it would. It surfaces rarely, and more in the form of endless questions, irritation or self-pity. I'd love to blame the birth control pills for this hot mess, especially since it hit me just last week as I was a few days into the pack, but I know better than that.

I'm only human, and I know it's normal to feel sad or upset when something doesn't go my way. I'm also aware of the need to let myself feel the pain of a failed cycle, while still struggling to keep my mind, body and soul healthy and ready to try again. Is there really a way for both to coexist?


I'm avoiding all things caffeine, eating more organic, ditching nail polish, canceling hair appointments, and attempting to making my own cleaning products. My vanity may suffer, but I'll do whatever I can in the next six weeks to avoid as many unnecessary chemicals as possible, taking the best care of my body and in turn giving myself the best chance at success with IVF part II.

These steps are certainly helpful, but they won't guarantee a pregnancy or promise me a life of happiness. They are simply a great distraction from satan doing his best to throw doubts and fears in my head, jumbling my thoughts into a mass of questions about the future that I just can't answer, kicking my obsessive controlling nature into full gear.

The real antidote is slightly more challenging.

I'm trying my best to constantly remind myself that God is in control, and it's my job to fully depend on Him-not myself, doctors, their medicine, or google-and not worry about what tomorrow holds.

Not so easy for a control freak like me.

But worry is pointless, really; what benefit does it hold? What will it help to achieve, what good will ever come of it? I can spend my days getting my body healthy and my heart ready for our next try, or I can be severely bummed out because God's plan and my plan just didn't match up this time.

Being sad and disappointed is normal, but dwelling on the past and fearing the future will get me absolutely nowhere. So on a bad day when I feel discouraged and bitter-because the bad days will come-I'll do my best to take my fears and burdens to Jesus and lay them down. Let them go, give them up.

As Snoop Dogg said, drop it like it's hot.

God is the only one that knows my future, the only one that I can truly depend on to never disappoint me. If I trust that He is by my side and will never ever leave me-focusing on the many promises He gives us in His word-I'll be able to bring glory and honor to Him through any situation, and praise Him through any storm.

So that's what I'm doing these days.

"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood."
-Beth Moore