Monday, August 10, 2009

These Days

I haven't been blogging much these days.

Mostly it's been difficult making the switch from daily documenting of all things IVF, back to regular blogging of all things infertility. It's also strange not having to produce a post title involving some form of the word shot; almost as strange as not receiving or giving myself scheduled shots or taking a pill of some sort.

I really am doing well, despite the fact that our first IVF-although expected to be our miracle-was just one more failure. So well in fact, that I've actually wondered if something were wrong with me.

The grief does come in waves, but not like I expected it would. It surfaces rarely, and more in the form of endless questions, irritation or self-pity. I'd love to blame the birth control pills for this hot mess, especially since it hit me just last week as I was a few days into the pack, but I know better than that.

I'm only human, and I know it's normal to feel sad or upset when something doesn't go my way. I'm also aware of the need to let myself feel the pain of a failed cycle, while still struggling to keep my mind, body and soul healthy and ready to try again. Is there really a way for both to coexist?


I'm avoiding all things caffeine, eating more organic, ditching nail polish, canceling hair appointments, and attempting to making my own cleaning products. My vanity may suffer, but I'll do whatever I can in the next six weeks to avoid as many unnecessary chemicals as possible, taking the best care of my body and in turn giving myself the best chance at success with IVF part II.

These steps are certainly helpful, but they won't guarantee a pregnancy or promise me a life of happiness. They are simply a great distraction from satan doing his best to throw doubts and fears in my head, jumbling my thoughts into a mass of questions about the future that I just can't answer, kicking my obsessive controlling nature into full gear.

The real antidote is slightly more challenging.

I'm trying my best to constantly remind myself that God is in control, and it's my job to fully depend on Him-not myself, doctors, their medicine, or google-and not worry about what tomorrow holds.

Not so easy for a control freak like me.

But worry is pointless, really; what benefit does it hold? What will it help to achieve, what good will ever come of it? I can spend my days getting my body healthy and my heart ready for our next try, or I can be severely bummed out because God's plan and my plan just didn't match up this time.

Being sad and disappointed is normal, but dwelling on the past and fearing the future will get me absolutely nowhere. So on a bad day when I feel discouraged and bitter-because the bad days will come-I'll do my best to take my fears and burdens to Jesus and lay them down. Let them go, give them up.

As Snoop Dogg said, drop it like it's hot.

God is the only one that knows my future, the only one that I can truly depend on to never disappoint me. If I trust that He is by my side and will never ever leave me-focusing on the many promises He gives us in His word-I'll be able to bring glory and honor to Him through any situation, and praise Him through any storm.

So that's what I'm doing these days.

"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood."
-Beth Moore


Anonymous said...

I had the realization myself a few days ago that I was placing too much trust in the meds, the predictor kits, etc. and not truly trusting that God knows and has a plan. Thank you for that reminder as well. I admire the way that you have found a place for all your feelings and picked yourself up again after disappointment. I know the Lord must look upon you and smile.

BNHMAMA said...

love you! and what a great example you are reminding us all, that God is the one who is strong enough to carry our burdens!

Robin said...

You totally quoted Snoopy Dog and Beth Moore in the same post. That's impressive. I will forever think of laying my burdens at Christ's feet like a game of hot potato now. I love you girl. We are praying for you every day. The Lord has something awesome planned for your life...I just feel it!

jvwaiting said...

Trusting the plan God has for us is one of the hardest things to do. When we have an opportunity to sit back and think logically, of course it is the best and only way to go - but when our emotions get involved it is just so hard. You are a great inspiration!

Anonymous said...

GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm so inspired by your attitude. Praying for you!

Mrs. Hammer said...

I totally echo your thoughts on not dwelling in the past. It's the only way to keep pressing forward so that God can reveal His plan to us. I will be praying for your upcoming cycle. It seems you will be a few weeks ahead of me.

Kelli said...

I am struggling these days with keeping my faith and fully relying on God. I love that quote from Beth Moore...I needed to hear that today.

Bethany said...

Wow you are one amazing woman! I am so glad that you are focused on what God is going to do for you and what he can do for you! Most people just blame him. He will give us our desires all in his timing!!!! This is going to be a great testimony to someone!

Tim and Heather said...

Tabitha, your strength is an inspiration. You are truly an amazing woman. It is true that things will happen in God's time, although it's hard for us to give up the control (trust me, I know- I'm a control freak myself!) One thing that really helped me in the frustrating days of infertility pergatory was working out and making my body as strong as I could for possible babies to grow inside me. Pounding the pavement seemed to be cathartic for my soul. I hope you find something as soothing, and keep updating us on how things are moving along. I pray for you and your husband daily.

WantWait&Pray said...

Great post sweetie......Amen to "drop it like it's hot".....I'm going to remind myself of this daily! ;-)

JackieMac said...

In response to your question on my blog - I am suppose to start BCP on Sept. 30th - but it all depends on when AF arrives - I am suppose to start stimming on Oct 16th - I wish you the best of luck with your second IVF!!!!

Rachel said...

Hey, I haven't been on in a while, your blog is saved on my laptop which I used to use daily but haven't used in months. I'm so sorry I'm just catching up, I'm so sorry your IVF didn't work :( I am praying for you!

Mom Genes said...

Your blog is such a blessing. And, please let me say, ANY girl who can quote Snoop Dogg and Beth Moore in the same post is a friend of mine. You are in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Great attitude. God is always greater than medics.

Karim - Positive thinking

Tim and Heather said...

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. How are things going? I continue to pray for you and your husband. Please give us an update soon!

Echloe said...

I envy your faith. You deserve for this second IVF to work. I really hope it does and I'll be following along to see how it goes.

gringa78 said...

You have such a good attitude! Hang in there - I hope this next cycle is our last!