Thursday, September 3, 2009

As The World Turns

So continues the soap opera that is my life.

The countdown is on, with less than two weeks left before I begin daily documenting for all things IVF part II. This time around I have full intentions of enjoying every minute of the process, loving my long and strong lupron nails and proving I can be more powerful than my ridiculous dexamethasone cravings.

Always the optimist, I'm excited to try again, hopeful for a better turnout this time and so very sure this will work. But there's also another darker, more bitter side of me that is terrified of history repeating itself and with a lack of desire to adopt in our hearts (no matter how much we pray for God to give it to us) this very well may be our last chance.

The future is a terrifying place, but I know who holds tomorrow, and as long as I continue to trust that my life is ultimately in God's hands, fearing what may be is really a waste of my time. I'm focusing instead on the present and all I have to be thankful for, and I'm learning that fear is not only pointless, but can cause you to miss out on the best things in life, paralyzing you and holding you back from experiencing the joy that's right in front of you.

I've spent the last three years watching the people I love most dancing around me, cradling their babies and growing precious little ones in their super fertile wombs. I've made the choice to dance with them, holding their children's hands and admiring their growing bellies instead of despising them. I've happily conversed with them about bath times, lack of sleep, teething, and the latest baby products. I've shared their first words, attended birthday parties, hosted showers, smothered them with kisses and joyfully watched them grow, all the while knowing deep down that someday, someway, this will be my life.

But until then, this is my life.

As the world turns, I find myself grateful that my friends and family love me enough not to hold their tongues when I'm in the room, eliminating any awkward silences when a conversation turns to babies, because they know their children are the next best thing to my own. It makes me feel more normal and less infertile when they comfortably share their lives with me, even when it consists of something I want but can't have. It's refreshing to know they love and care deeply about me, but they don't pity me, because I'm still a lucky girl.

I'll probably never be able to avoid the sting of failure when I hear them speak about their plans to expand their family, and I'll always feel like someone punched me in the ovaries as I anticipate their upcoming pregnancy announcements. But thankfully those feelings are pleasantly overpowered by the harsh reality-and my infertility motto-that the world can't stop procreating just because I'm not pregnant.

Babies are a way of life, even if it's not my life.

There's just too much I could have missed through the years if I'd chosen to be so wrapped up in despair that I didn't enjoy today. No matter where it takes us life will go on, and I don't want to spend so much time in envy that I forget to look at what's right in front of me; even if all I can see are children and loved ones pregnant bellies staring back at me.

I'd much rather dance.

"I'd rather spend my time amongst the birds than to waste it, wishing I could fly."
-Author Unknown

21 comments:

Summer @ B is for Brown said...

you are amazing and i admire you and hope to one day be just like you. you are an angel on earth.

Robin said...

What a beautiful post! The pangs of jealously are always there but then I just have to remind myself that I don't want their life, their children or the plan God has for them. I want my life, my children and His plan for us! God has am amazing plan for you, sweetie. We are just praying so hard this will be it!

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

You are such an amazing writer. I hope you know that..

I wish you the best with this next cycle. I have followed SO many bloggers onto their second IVF attempt and I must say, every single one has been a success. :)

Lisa said...

Love your attitude Tabitha!! I admire you : )

Erin said...

Dear Tabitha:
I have been reading your blog for a while now and thought I would comment finally. I loved what you said about your friends not holding back talking about babies cause you were in the room. I think it's nice to hear your perspective on it, because as nice as people try to be sometimes, it can be a little difficult. It probably makes you feel like you stand out more.

My son has a disability where he is missing his thumbs and some bones in his arms. I often feel uncomfortable when people start talking about a milestone in their child's life and then realize I am there and stop talking about it. You said it so well, and I think it's important sometimes for people to hear it and understand it. So thank you. Thank you for being so bold and so brave as to put your thoughts and feelings out there for the world to see. It takes courage!

Kelli said...

I think my dancing shoes and getting comfortable again...thank you for a beautiful post!! You are awesome ;)

Hillary said...

There is a couple that was married one week after DH & I and she is now pregnant with #3. I had those pangs of jealousy when I found out, but then started telling myself that God has just given us different lives and paths to take...

I'm so hopeful for you, Tab!

BNHMAMA said...

so proud to know you!!! Don't ever forget how great you are!

jessica56 said...

Wow I feel like i need to copy this post and read it often! Such beautiful words. I think it is great that you have such a positive outlook

WantWait&Pray said...

I just re-read this because I needed to. I have told you this before....you have SUCH a way with words and I love reading you posts. Tonight...was kinda tough for me and I really needed to hear this and so THANK YOU! You have to put your words into a book....I'd buy it! xo

Brittney said...

I loved your post. I have to admit I got a little emotional reading it - I just can completely relate to the feelings of pain and suffering you've experienced, yet hope and joy in midst of them. It's like this careful balancing act we're constantly in motion with. I also don't feel ready to even begin to think about adoption yet - when well-meaning people mention it, I have feelings of anger unexpectedly crop up because I cannot 'go there' emotionally...I loved the sweet and true message in your words, that God IS good and IS present in all that we go through. Amen to that. Blessings to you, my friend. Keep on shining:)

jvwaiting said...

I am in awe of the strength you have. I truly aspire to have your attitude in this process. I want to sit in a room full of women and not feel left out - but feel blessed to be surrounded by so many beautiful women and children. Your message is a gift - thank you for sharing glimpses in your life through this blog!

M said...

Wow. You are amazing. Sending up prayers this cycle works!!

Mrs. Hammer said...

I relate so much to your post. Life would be even harder if I did not embrace my friends and their little ones. Someday it will be us!! Our cycles are very close. I will be keeping you in my prayers for this cycle to be a success!

Suzanne said...

Tabitha, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am praying that you get your BFP this time! You are such an inspiring and selfless person, I wish that I could be more like you. During my IF struggle, I couldn't even attend baby showers, much less host them. I would just send gifts. Best of luck to you, hon!

Rebekah said...

"Always the optimist, I'm excited to try again, hopeful for a better turnout this time and so very sure this will work. But there's also another darker, more bitter side of me..."

I can't tell you how much this hits home. It's hard to sit back and think, this is IT--no matter what the outcome. Keep the faith. You're amazing. I'm praying!

sweetpeanme said...

Wow. What an amazing post!!! Thinking about you as you go into this next cycle!!

Tim and Heather said...

Continue to be strong, girl. I can't wait to read all about all things IVF soon. Just think of how strong and welcoming for a little one those drugs will make you. I know how hard it is to see and hear about everyone around you getting pregnant when it is the one truest desire of your heart. But your optimism and strong will make you an incredible woman. keep the faith!

Robin said...

Great post! I really needed to be reminded not to let life get away from me just because I don't have what I want yet. God does have a plan and we need to remind ourselves of that often.

Rachel said...

beautiful beautiful attitude.

Kelli said...

I'm so glad you're doing an October cycle, too!!! Praying for you guys!!