Thursday, September 17, 2009

Let The Shots Begin

Daily Documentation of All Things IVF, Part II.

Wednesday, 9-16-09 (Day 1)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): It's time for round two, and I have some new self-inflicted guidelines to follow. Rule number one; there will be no scale stalking this cycle.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am at a perfectly healthy weight for my height and build, right where I should be. Of course I'd love to change certain aspects of my body, but now is not the appropriate time to obsess over it.

Instead, I will focus my energy on overcoming this tiny steroid pill by making healthy food choices and not beating myself up when I slip.

Because most likely I will slip.

And it will be often.

Lupron (10units, subQ injection): I've decided the best method for delivering this bee sting-ish injection is to draw up the meds the night before. No more fumbling at 6:15am with a tiny glass vial and a dangerously sharp needle while only partially awake.

Simply remove the cap, and administer the burn.

And to add to my list of new methods this cycle, I have ditched the ice; it takes up too much time that I don't have in the mornings. Besides, I've been pricked so many times that I'm officially over the shock of stabbing, stinging, bruising and bleeding that accompany the injections anyway.

Oh, and that sharps container that just about drove me bananas last time?

Piece of cake.

For now.

Thursday, 9-17-09 (Day 2)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): No ravenous hunger binges yet; but we're just getting started. Let's let the drugs fully penetrate my system before we jump to any conclusions.

Lupron (10units, subQ injection): Today's left side injection went well. I did notice a small bruise from yesterdays injection that I welcomed, embracing the possibility of what it may bring in ten more months.

And then I got scared of what it may not bring.

Because this time around things feel a little different, and unfortunately my bi-polar attitude is my constant companion. I'm still excited but apprehensive, hopeful but leery, prepared but distant, and my defense mechanisms are in full gear.

But luckily, so is Operation Green.

Although I haven't been eating as organic as I planned, I'm more green than ever before thanks to organic hand, body, and face wash, shampoo, conditioner, laundry and dish washing detergents, and homemade cleaning products.

That's right, homemade. Move over, Martha Stewart.

I've also been nail polish, hair dye and caffeine free for about two months now, and even after IVF and pregnancy, I don't think I'll ever go back to my old unearthly ways.

Well, I probably should go back to getting highlights.

And I do miss toe nail polish.

In the mean time, I'll remember that my God is bigger than my worries and I've done everything possible to prepare myself this time around without giving in to what I'm starting to really think is an honest to goodness obsessive compulsive disorder. I've also lightened up on myself and decided I'm OK with being a little distant this time around, because it's normal to be scared after experiencing failure.

As long as you pick yourself up and give it another shot.

"You have to go through the falling down in order to learn to walk. It helps to know that you can survive it. That's an education in itself."
-Carol Burnett


nikinikinine said...

I've been following your story (blog) for months now, but I've never really felt compelled to comment. Until now...we start our first IVF cycle in two weeks. And I so appreciate your honesty.

I wish you the best of luck this cycle. My fingers are crossed (100 times) for you and your husband.

Sumer said...

YAY for bee-sting needles! Imm glad Im not the only one who experiences the redness that goes away and a burn... tons of fun! I am so happy our schedules are close!

WantWait&Pray said...

Great attitude! You have every right to feel guarded and nervous this time....but as far as obsessing over things- hand it all over to God. I had a revelation this morning in my devotional time that I am SO THANKFUL to be here. So thankful that God has had a hand on my life, moving me along at the pace and in the direction that He wants.....thank goodness things didn't turn out the way I had originally planned. God's plan for my life is much more fruitful and exciting and rewarding. So...take deep breaths and rejoice in the fact that you get the opportunity to be on this journey towards becoming a mommy. Surely it's filled with lifelong lessons that will make you an even more incredible mom than you will already be!

Lisa said...

Glad yur back on your journey to baby!! I have good good feelings about his cycle for you : )

jvwaiting said...

I am happy to be able to read your journey - your approach is so realistic and positive. I pray that you do have a peace throughout this process.

You Paid More Than Me said...

Love you dear, my prayer warriors are praying hard!

Hillary said...

So thrilled your cycle is getting underway.

I love want, wait, & pray's comment...I am praying the Lord's peace for you this cycle!

Stephanie said...

I'm so excited for your new journey! My prayers and thoughts are with you (just like last time!)
Looking forward to you open, honest, and witty posts through the journey!!

Robin said...

Praying for you every step!!!

Mrs. Hammer said...

Sounds like things are off to a good start. It is funny to reflect back on how things went prior. I am so much more confident about all these needles and happy I will make very few if any mistakes unlike last cycle. And I totally get your 'distant' mindset. I think it is normal after a cycle that didn't go according to plan.

Here's to a better cycle for both of us. And hopefully less covert stims injections for you than last time. (It was funny to envision you guys hiding out in a walk in fridge though)

I'll be praying for you!!!

Kelli said...

I am hoping, praying and believing this is going to be it for us. Here's to big blessings and major miracles in October!! (((HUGS!)))

Brittney said...

I'll be praying for you. I understand how it's hard to hope...Though I'm not in your same shoes, I find that I'm carrying a cautiously optimistic attitude with me much of the time. I figure that I'll let others be hopeful instead. But then at certain times I am unexpectedly filled with such a joyful hope, just from being in God's presence and knowing that He is a faithful God. A song I was listening to this morning - 'Your Love is Deep' - is helping me to put things in perspective. I know it's difficult to be excited. But I do pray for abundant joy and hope as you go through this new part of your journey. The lyrics are:

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I travel
Wider than the gap You filled

Who shall separate us
Who shall separate us from Your love
Nothing can separate us
Nothing can separate us from Your love

JackieMac said...

That is a great idea about the Lupron - I am going to use that idea myself. Thanks.