A New Beginning

Today, I realized I'm officially a "multiple IVFer".

A title usually reserved for couples who have more severe problems than slight MFI, it basically means you've undergone several IVF attempts. As in more than one. Derived from our original thinking that it would only take us one try at IVF to become pregnant, the intensity of this role hit me hard.

I contemplated how in the world this happened, how we managed to get here. Questioning how we became that couple, the one in their mid twenties with perfect health and non-alcohol, smoke free rockstar ovaries, still un-impregnated after almost three years and two full IVF cycles.

Well, one and a half to be exact, but still.

After the trauma of today's realization settled, I deemed it necessary to treat myself to the only drug that ever works for me. I purchased a previously denied, much deserved, caffeine laden Frappachino that I enjoyed immensely until I remembered that I was sipping poison into my veins.

Because come December 30th we'll secretly be moving on to IVF number three-holding tight to our freshly earned title of multiple IVFers-and caffeine is thus far still forbidden.

So now you hold the key to the largest part of the reason this blog has officially become private. It all started about a month ago when my ridiculously generous parents let us know that they were ready when we were to try again, mere seconds after the results of our negative beta was released.

At the time we respectfully declined, but not because we weren't physically or mentally ready to try again. The truth was that we just couldn't bring ourselves to accept even more money from bank of mom and dad again, especially on the eve of our previously failed IVF.

I could practically see their money getting flushed down the toilet as I threw the negative HPT into the trash, and it killed me.

However, my father isn't one to take no for an answer, and he spent the next few days reminding me that they can afford it, they are willing to do it, and I'll understand their logic and undying suport when I have my own children.

And the fact that he-and my eggs-aren't getting any younger.

Mostly due to our unfeigned desire to attain a biological child, it didn't take long to break down our defenses. And while I'm still struggling with pride and guilt ridden thoughts of being the most expensive child ever as my parents once again pay out an extremely large sum of their own money in a crappy economy to fix a problem that isn't even their own, I'm trying instead to focus on the gratitude I feel for this blessing that God has provided for us.

But this time, we're following through with this new chapter of our journey in a more secretive form. Although I'd never change the past-and the fact that everyone we knew and their mother supported us throughout these last two cycles-we've decided to change things up. No one besides us, my parents, and the blog sphere will be made aware of our endeavours this time around.

This is our chance to shed the label of infertile and be somewhat normal for once. Under our current circumstances, we now have a unique opportunity to advance through this next cycle in secret, soaking up the prayers that I know are still going up for us, all while being able to do what we've always wanted to do.

Become pregnant, make it through the first trimester, and surprise everyone with our news.

So that-mixed with a slight change in our med regimen that I'll talk about in an upcoming post-is our new plan. We'll embrace our controversial title of multiple IVFers and stand proud, excited for what is to come and ready to take another shot at our own version of faith mixed with medical intervention.

This is our new beginning, complete with a new ending.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

-Maria Robinson