Monday, November 23, 2009

A New Beginning

Today, I realized I'm officially a "multiple IVFer".

A title usually reserved for couples who have more severe problems than slight MFI, it basically means you've undergone several IVF attempts. As in more than one. Derived from our original thinking that it would only take us one try at IVF to become pregnant, the intensity of this role hit me hard.

I contemplated how in the world this happened, how we managed to get here. Questioning how we became that couple, the one in their mid twenties with perfect health and non-alcohol, smoke free rockstar ovaries, still un-impregnated after almost three years and two full IVF cycles.

Well, one and a half to be exact, but still.

After the trauma of today's realization settled, I deemed it necessary to treat myself to the only drug that ever works for me. I purchased a previously denied, much deserved, caffeine laden Frappachino that I enjoyed immensely until I remembered that I was sipping poison into my veins.

Because come December 30th we'll secretly be moving on to IVF number three-holding tight to our freshly earned title of multiple IVFers-and caffeine is thus far still forbidden.

So now you hold the key to the largest part of the reason this blog has officially become private. It all started about a month ago when my ridiculously generous parents let us know that they were ready when we were to try again, mere seconds after the results of our negative beta was released.

At the time we respectfully declined, but not because we weren't physically or mentally ready to try again. The truth was that we just couldn't bring ourselves to accept even more money from bank of mom and dad again, especially on the eve of our previously failed IVF.

I could practically see their money getting flushed down the toilet as I threw the negative HPT into the trash, and it killed me.

However, my father isn't one to take no for an answer, and he spent the next few days reminding me that they can afford it, they are willing to do it, and I'll understand their logic and undying suport when I have my own children.

And the fact that he-and my eggs-aren't getting any younger.

Mostly due to our unfeigned desire to attain a biological child, it didn't take long to break down our defenses. And while I'm still struggling with pride and guilt ridden thoughts of being the most expensive child ever as my parents once again pay out an extremely large sum of their own money in a crappy economy to fix a problem that isn't even their own, I'm trying instead to focus on the gratitude I feel for this blessing that God has provided for us.

But this time, we're following through with this new chapter of our journey in a more secretive form. Although I'd never change the past-and the fact that everyone we knew and their mother supported us throughout these last two cycles-we've decided to change things up. No one besides us, my parents, and the blog sphere will be made aware of our endeavours this time around.

This is our chance to shed the label of infertile and be somewhat normal for once. Under our current circumstances, we now have a unique opportunity to advance through this next cycle in secret, soaking up the prayers that I know are still going up for us, all while being able to do what we've always wanted to do.

Become pregnant, make it through the first trimester, and surprise everyone with our news.

So that-mixed with a slight change in our med regimen that I'll talk about in an upcoming post-is our new plan. We'll embrace our controversial title of multiple IVFers and stand proud, excited for what is to come and ready to take another shot at our own version of faith mixed with medical intervention.

This is our new beginning, complete with a new ending.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
-Maria Robinson

36 comments:

Dea.nna said...

Such awesome news! I completely understand your reasons for wanting this round to be private. I'm very happy to still be a reader! I'll be keeping you in my prayers as you venture into IVF #3. Your parents are such selfless people. What a blessing! Keep up the good spirits!

Nicole said...

I'm so thrilled to be reading this news! And I feel so special to be invited :)
I COMPLETELY get your need to be private. We just finished up our third IVF and only told a few select immediate family members and the blog sphere. It is difficult to orhcestrate an entire IVF cycle behind the curtain, but it's possible. And I like it this wayso much better.
Thank God for your wonderful parents, and for their being in a position to fund the creation of their grandchildren! You certainly are blessed.
I can't wait to follow your next journey through the valley of IVF, and I sure hope to see you come out the other side waving a different banner this time. Third time's the charm, right?

Fuentes-Garcia said...

Great news! I will keep you in my prayers! Thank you so much for sharing these new chapter, new opportunity. Thanks for people like you who gives us hope and strength to continue with our own journeys. I wish you the best and hope everything goes super! You are going to be such great parents as your parents are, very supportive!
I am soo happy for you! Love Daneyda

Hillary said...

What a great plan, Tab. I hope a more "secretive" cycle will take some pressure off, and know that all of us out here in the blogsphere are hear to listen and pray throughout!!!

xxoo

lparsons15 said...

Thats fantastic..I wish you both the best of luck. Thanks for letting me share this amazing journey with you!

Meg said...

Please don't feel guilty about accepting help from your parents. WHAT A BLESSING!! We don't get to have another chance at IVF simply because of money, so I hope you'll see that it is truly a gift from God! Know that I am lifting you up daily in prayer and thank-you for allowing me to be a part of your journey.

Bailey said...

How exciting, so glad for you guys!

nikinikinine said...

Congratulations on coming to terms with where you are and trudging forward. Fingers grossed for you. We start IVF #1 tomorrow. Are you as scared this time as you were the first. Somehow, even after all we've been through, I'm afraid. I had no idea I'd feel like this. Anywho, I'm pulling for you.

nikinikinine said...

um, that should have read crossed, not grossed. LOLs. I should probably go to bed now...

The Two of Us said...

This is so great to hear! Your blog friends will be here every step of the way. Keep up your incredibly positive attitude and we will all be praying for you:)

Jamie said...

I am so excited for you. You will definitely be in my prayers throughout this cycle!!

Eggs said...

Right on sister! I love the new attitude and I'm thrilled you're giving it another shot. MFI? Pfft - bad luck to date is my official medical opinion (I'm not a doctor thought I'd clarify). As for the money, it comes, it goes...we've spent so much on this and are about to spend a lot more. We have also received large "gifts" from our parents. "This is a family problem" my dad always says...and he's right. We ALL want this baby in our family. I'm sure your parents feel the same way...so accept the money gracefully as I'm sure you do, and continue forward. OH can't wait to get you started!!!

Suzanne said...

I'm praying that IVF #3 will be your successful cycle! I feel privileged to still be able to follow and read your blog - you are such an inspiration. I'm glad that your parents are helping you. It will be easier to keep your IVF cycle under the radar than you think - both of our families didn't know about our first IVF attempt. Of course, they lived out of town which made it easier. Many prayers and best wishes go with you!

WantWait&Pray said...

Honey, I am thrilled for you. Please know that as we emailed about, your parents want nothing more than to give you the world. They, I'm sure, would do ANYTHING for you and if helping you grow your family is a way they are capable of helping, they probably are doing so without a second thought and with tons of love. IVF #3 was it for us and I am praying overtime it's it for you.
This post really hit home for me because I, too, was in that spot where you throw up your hands and say "HOW DID I GET HERE???"
Just remember that God has an amazing and beautiful plan. Looking forward to this journey with you!

Melymel80 said...

This is great news. I totally get why you wanted to go private...You are so positive with everything you have been dealt. You are incredible...I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers...xoxoxo

Mom Genes said...

You are my home girl.
And, guess what...
Are you ready...
We start IVF December 30th too!

Brittney said...

I understand your desire to go private also. I am SO excited to see what the future holds in store for you both; I think it's such a beautiful gift that your parents are helping bring their grandchild(ren) into the world. What an amazing testimony of love your child(ren) will have!

I'm thrilled to follow you on the next step of your journey. December 30th is so close! I'll be keeping you both in my daily prayers. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving:)

Robin said...

Oh sweetie, we are so excited for you and Willie! What a blessing it will be to have a "normal" pregnancy experiences. You are so loved and we are praying for you! Can't wait for December 30th!

JustUs said...

That is wonderful Tab! I am praying that this will be the cycle for you and your DH. God Bless...

Katie said...

I am so glad you guys are not giving up; it is a long hard road and one I wish you didn't have to travel, but God already knows what your beautiful family is going to look like, and you are going to be a fabulous Mom!! I'm praying for you and Will that God will bless this cycle with your sweet little baby. . . God bless you and thanks so much for including me in your blog!

Momma said...

Hubby and I did not keep IVF #1 a secret and when we got back a negative beta I regretted ever saying anything. It was so hard having to explain and answer all the questions when it was the last thing I even wanted to talk about. Fr that point on we decided our parents were the only ones who would know. So much easier.
How blessed you are to have such generous and loving parents.
I will be praying you thru this next cyle.
Much Luck.

Kelli said...

I'm totally in the multiple IVF club, too! We're gearing up for IVF #4 in the spring. (And if you count the 2 that were turned into IUI's then it's actually 6) Good grief! I've been on a blogging hiatus, but I'll be updating soon.

I'm thrilled for you and your dh and totally understand the desire to fly under the infertile radar on this one. I'm praying for you and hoping for a spectacular 2010 for us both. (((hugs)))

The Wilson's said...

Tab, I feel so special reading this wonderful news! As a previous post said, I totally believe third time's the charm:) Praying for you always!

The Wilson's said...

Tab, I feel so special reading this wonderful news! As a previous post said, I totally believe third time's the charm:) Praying for you always!

Dave and Elaine said...

Awesome news! I'm on board with you praying as you start #3 on the 30th!!

Jennifer said...

This is amazing news! I am so happy that you have decided to try again. Your parents love you very much and I am happy you decided to let them help you. You're so blessed to have such amazing family! Best of luck with your new cycle. You definitely deserved taht frap. I'm will happily continue to follow your journey and support you in whichever way I can. God Bless!

Michelle said...

I'm so excited for you! I completely understand your desire to make this a private thing. After we had a miscarriage I realized that I'll do things differently next time. I'm waiting till 13 weeks to tell people next time (if I can). We'll keep you and your family in our prayers.

Sarah said...

So glad you're going to keep on truckin'!! We'll be joining you mid-January with a fresh cycle!! It's good to have a cycle buddy!!
Write if you need some encouragement! As always, prayers going up for you...for strength, perseverance, and of course, the blessing of a child!
Sarah

Sarah said...

P.S.-We're part of the parent bank account handout as well. It's really hard to accept it, but they are investing in your happiness! (And yes, you will understand when you hold that little bundle in your arms...you would do anything to make your kids happy!!)

Lindsey B said...

I am so glad to hear this. And I think keeping this IVF secret will be therapeutic to you and your DH!

My prayers are with y'all!!

Stephanie said...

Oh my goodness, I am so happy for you guys! Your parents are such a blessing!
I totally understand now why you went private, and I am honored to follow your journey!
I will have to remember to come back and check the blog on my own since it doesnt update anymore! :)
Praying for you like always!!

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

I am so beyond happy for you. What amazing parents you have. They will make amazing grandparents. :)

I have read SO many IVF blogs where women have had a slight change in their protocal and become pregnant. I bet youll be JUST like them. :)

Stephanie said...

Just wanted to check in with you and say Merry Christmas!!!
Hope you are getting ready for the big day!!
Lots of prayers coming your way :)

Mom Genes said...

My Sweet Girl,
I don't know if you'll get this comment before tomorrow, but I want you to know that I'm fervently praying for you starting your next IVF tomorrow.

It shouldn't suprise me that God has worked in a way that allows me to begin my first IVF on the same day as someone I admire so much.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Stephanie said...

Just wanted you to know I am praying for you tomorrow!!
Praying for you, hubby, the doctors and your body!!!
Keep us posted once you know more!
Hope you had a wonderful Christmas!!

Kelli said...

Thinking of you today and praying as always. Hope the new year brings new blessings for you! xoxo