Tough Times

At church this morning the pastor talked about using God's grace to find the joy and excitement that each day brings, even in bad situations.

Infertility is a bad situation.

Sometimes I forget that being a Christian doesn't mean that every day is going to be easy and pain free; it just means that when times get hard, God's grace will always be there to help us through...He won't ever give us anything that we can't handle. As long as we choose to lean on Christ and trust that he works every situation for His good, we can get through even the hardest of times with peace and comfort.

So even though my period finally showed up today, I've found myself somewhat thankful for all that infertility has brought my way. I've wanted a baby for so long now that I haven't taken the time to appreciate all the positive things that infertility has given us throughout this journey. We've experienced heartache and tears, but I'm thankful for the new friendships that I've made. I'm grateful for the closer walk that I have with Jesus. And I'm excited to see what God has in store for us in the end.

I still want to be pregnant so bad it hurts, and I still have some really hard days, but I know it's up to us to find the joy in this difficult situation; and with God's Grace, we can.

Even in the tough times.

"We are often so caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet along the way. Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it."

-Author Unknown

My Ovaries Are Laughing At Me

And my cervix, and my uterus. I feel like they've joined forces with Ashton Kutcher and Punk'd me.

I tested today, at 13dpo and it was a very clear negative. Not even a hint of a second line was present. I really thought I'd see a second line on the test this month; but instead I stared hard at the same faithful, solitary line that I've seen month after month, willing it to change, but it didn't. So all I can do now is move on. I'll stop taking my beloved progesterone supplements and welcome the spotting that will lead me to my next cycle and a new beginning.

I'm OK though. Of course I feel emotional, frustrated, and defeated, but I also feel surprisingly hopeful. There is only so much I can do and the rest is in God's hands, he knows better than I do and I have to trust in Him. He said "no" this month, but there is always next month, right?

"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."
-Sir Winston Churchill

Spot Watch

Today is 12dpIUI, and my spotting is nowhere to be found.

Doubling up my dose made a HUGE difference, and progesterone is now one of my most dear friends.

Although I am supposed to wait until Wednesday (14dpo) to test, I woke up in a panic this morning at 4:51am and decided that I absolutely HAD to test. I fumbled into the bathroom in the dark and tried to open the HPT box. Once I mastered crushing the cardboard and ripping it to shreds, I made my way down the hall to the guest bathroom where I figured I would be less likely to wake up my poor sleeping husband. Now at my destination, I attempted to break open the plastic wrap on the test with no luck. I pulled at it, bit at it, and finally squeezed the sucker out the top.

I swear, those things are more child proof then medicine caps.

Finally I sat on the toilet, ready to do my thing...and realized I didn't have a cup. I always pee in a cup, then dip the stick in. But I was so frustrated at this point that I just decided to go for it, I was finally going to POAS instead of PIAC.

Bad idea.

Not only did I make a complete mess, but my body decided I didn't really have to pee that much-I barely made the required 5 seconds of urinating-even though my bladder is usually bursting at 6am. Feeling defeated, I finally capped the stupid test and set it up on the counter, splashing and dripping urine all over myself and my no-longer-clean bathroom vanity. And to make things worse?

The test was completely defective.

No lines whatsoever showed up. And since I peed on the stick instead of in a cup, I didn't have any urine left to try another test. I suppose that's what I get for not being patient; I guess I'll never learn.

But the good news is that my spotting finally seems to be under control, and even if don't achieve a pregnancy this month, I'll be happy with at least that.

No, that's a big fat lie. I want to be pregnant.

There is no use trying, said Alice; one can't believe impossible things. I dare say you haven't had much practice, said the Queen. When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
-Lewis Carroll

What?

So I called the Dr.'s office yesterday to let them know that the progesterone I'm taking is not solving my spotting issues.

Me: My spotting showed up yesterday. Should I double my dose since I have extra pills?

Nurse: What day in your cycle did you start taking them?

Me: CD19. I've been taking them for 4 days.

Nurse: (mumbling to herself) So that would have be CD1 for you... just stop taking them, your period will come.

Me: Stop taking them? What!?!

Nurse: What?

Me: Wha...never mind. I can't stop taking them, they're supposed to prevent spotting and keep my lining lookin' good.

Nurse: Ooohhh. Ok, let me get your chart...(long pause, and I can hear her talking to another nurse in the background)...ok, so you are supposed to be taking 200mg of progesterone at night. And it says here your lining looks great.

Me: Right. But I'm spotting again. So the progesterone isn't working. Should I double my dose and see if that helps?

Nurse: Wait...so why are you taking the progesterone?

Me: *sigh* To try and stop my spotting. But it's not working.

Nurse: Oh, ok, I can see that in your chart here. So you should take 200mg at night.

Me: Yes, I know. But should I be taking more since it isn't working?

Nurse: Well, hun, how do you know it's not working?

Me: (rolling of the eyes) Because I'm still spotting.

Nurse: Well, you could be spotting for reasons other than progesterone issues. Your chart here says your progesterone levels are fine. Or maybe your body just isn't responding to the low dose.

Me: I know, but the Dr. thought this would work, and it's not. So what should I do?

Nurse: Just keep taking them.

Me: So should I take a higher dose just to see if it works?

Nurse: Ummm...no, I don't think so. Just keep taking the 200mg at night.

Thanks a lot.

So I decided to double them up, just for a few days to see if I notice a difference.

I don't think the nurse knew what she was talking about anyway.

"Always listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it."
-Robert Heinlein

I Need A Miracle

So I woke up this morning to...

SPOTTING at 7dpo, and my heart dropped. This was my first month using progesterone supplements that were supposed to STOP my spotting, but there it was, right on time. It's light brown today, and if it's like every other month it will gradually get darker until it becomes my period. Ugh. Either the nasty progesterone supplements I'm taking aren't doing the job, or they are doing the job, but my body just isn't cooperating. Needless to say, I don't have a whole lot of hope left for this cycle, and that's frustrating. But in the end, we did everything we could this cycle, and the rest is up to God. I guess I just need to pray for a miracle!

"Don't believe in miracles - depend on them."
-Laurence J. Peter

The Dreaded Two Week Wait

Is driving me insane.

I'm in the dreaded and infamous 2 week wait...and I'm trying everything I can think of to keep myself busy. I feel physically and mentally incapable of thinking about anything else other than the outcome of this cycle. Tomorrow I start sewing lessons, so hopefully that will keep my mind off of every little ache, twinge and cramp that I have. When did I start living my life in 2 week increments? Oh, that's right...about 19 months ago! It wouldn't be nearly so bad if it was the 1 week wait, or better yet, the 2 day wait. Stupid infertility. *Sigh*

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."

-Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

A Good Thing

A new way to look at infertility!

One of my friends recently revealed on her blog that after a struggle that lasted a little over a year, she is finally pregnant! In response to her blog, someone left a comment stating that “This just proves that your child is essential to God's purposes here on earth and will be so powerful! Look at how the enemy tried to stop he/she from coming into this world!”

Isn’t that an amazing way to view infertility? My child/children will be fighters, they will be strong, and they will be blessed. They will be important people, with hearts that will serve the Lord and accomplish great things. Because of this, Satan wants to do everything he can to keep them out of this world.

Infertility is a constant struggle, but perspectives like this make it all the more worth it to me!

"If it takes my whole life I won't break, I won't bend. It will all be worth it. Worth it in the end."
-Sarah McLachlan

We Have A Plan

After meeting with the Dr. last Thursday, he found us to be good candidates for an IUI. We are very happy with him; he listened to all of our questions and concerns, answering in complete detail and thoroughly explaining everything for us. He seemed pretty surprised that all of the other Dr.'s we've seen have brushed us off, telling us we are "fine". He said after this long, it's about time we start doing something about this. So here's the plan:

CD 5-9: 50mg of Clomid
CD15: sonogram to check follicle size & trigger
CD16: IUI #1 (12 hours after trigger)
CD17: IUI #2 (36 hours after trigger)
CD19: Start progesterone supplements

Even though my body ovulates on it's own we are going to try out Clomid to see if we can't get some stronger results, or at least a few extra "targets" to hit. I have to admit, I'm pretty nervous about the Clomid. Up to this point the only thing we've done is chart ovulation and my period. Now we are going to introduce a fertility drug into the mix, and I guess it just seems so official! After that, he plans to do a sonogram to check the growth and see how mature my eggs are, and if they are ready he may give me a trigger shot to ensure a timed ovulation. Then the IUI, which will hopefully help bypass any "hostile cervical mucous" that I may have (there is a possibility that the reason we aren't getting pregnant is because my body treats sperm as a foreign anti-body and kills the sperm before it has a chance to reach my cervix. The IUI will allow the sperm to be placed safely inside my cervix, and away from any sperm-killing CM). Then finally, progesterone supplements. I'm pretty excited about these, because for the last year I have been experiencing horrible spotting before my periods. My progesterone levels have been checked pre-ovulation and said to be fine, but this progesterone should stop this ugly spotting once and for all.

So that's our plan. We are trying to keep in mind that while medical intervention in most situations can help achieve results, only GOD is in control and can give us the baby we have been praying for. For now we'll just have to give an IUI a shot, and hope for the best.

"100% of the shots you don't take don't go in."
-Wayne Gretzky