Open Doors

We’re getting this party started!

Our initial appointment for an IUI is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon! We have no doubt this is the best decision for us right now. Without going into too much detail, we have recently seen God open many doors for us, and He has made this opportunity-and decision-a very obvious one.

My reasoning? I think our situation is so debatable because we were sort of thrown into the unexplained category, meaning that even thought they can’t find anything wrong, most likely there is something hindering us from achieving a pregnancy. Lovely, right? Anyway, because of this questionable diagnosis some think that we should just keep trying and stop worrying about it since there is nothing wrong with us, which is true. To an extent. But I believe that if God opens up doors for us, why shouldn’t we walk through them?

I’ve also realized that following through with and IUI isn't showing a lack of faith, it’s actually quite the opposite. It’s a simple as this: We prayed, God opened a door, and now we are walking through it. And please don’t get me wrong, I don’t assume that just because God presented this opportunity to us means that this IUI will necessarily be successful and promise to bring a guaranteed pregnancy; but that’s where faith comes in.

We definitely want a baby in God’s time, but who am I to say this opportunity wasn’t handed to us by God and isn’t in His timing? I'd hate to refuse this blessing just because this isn’t how I originally envisioned getting pregnant, because this wasn’t in my original plan for starting our family. We just have to believe that God will take care of us, and bring us comfort and healing no matter what the future holds.

Again, thank you to everyone who offered us their advice and words of wisdom, even to those who advised us against an IUI. We are so grateful for every single one of you. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, and I’ll post an update after our appointment tomorrow!

"When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us."
- Alexander Graham Bell

To IUI, Or Not To IUI?

That is the question.

*sigh* I thought this was going to be an easy decision, but my period is just around the corner and I just can’t make up my mind. Should I attempt to wait a few more months in hopes that we still may achieve a pregnancy on our own, or should I make that appointment that will result in my body being artificially inseminated like a female cow? Neither one sounds very appealing at the moment.

I always thought that if/when my husband and I reached this infamous 19 month mark it would be easy to give up control and surrender to the wonders of the medical world…but I’m finding it more difficult than ever to accept the fact that I probably won’t get pregnant on my own. I’m fully aware that the odds are against me after all this time, especially since there is nothing wrong with either of us and we are categorized as unexplained. But I can’t help but be sad, because this just isn’t how I thought it would be. I never imagined that in order for me to get pregnant it would most likely take a vial of sperm and a huge syringe in a cold, sterile room. Then of course there is the gut-wrenching fear that after going through all of the poking, prodding and money spending it may not even work. It just seems so wrong.

Then, last night while I was on a walk around the neighborhood I started to cry, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I guess I had all of these emotions bottled up and they had to flow out. I prayed and prayed and prayed, asking God for wisdom and guidance in this decision, but I couldn’t help but feel that my prayers were bouncing off the sky. I know that was just my head getting in the way of my heart, and that God undoubtedly heard my prayers, but this is a tough decision to make while you’re already in a PMS induced emotional state.

Regardless, it needs to be made soon, and I know that God will lead my husband and I in the right direction. I just pray that we'll listen.

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
-Yogi Berra

God's Plan

I found this excerpt on a fellow blogger's site, and thought it would be good to share with everyone, both fertile & infertile:

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive advice. We can list all the most popular ones: just relax and you’ll get pregnant, just stop trying and you'll get pregnant, just adopt a baby that needs a home...of the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan; maybe God never meant for you to have children. Excuse me? The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

So, what do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down, making us stronger.

No, I don't believe that God's plan is for me to not have children. Infertility is not my destiny; it's merly a fork in the road that I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled. I’ve gained more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment, and I am thankful for this trial. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I can't deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice about what God's plan is for my life; I just may smile and kindly say “You don’t need to tell me why He handed me infertility. I'm pretty sure I already know."

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
-Mark Twain

Babies vs. Bellies

I've come to the conclusion that my envy of a big fat pregnant belly far out ways my jealousy of a new mother with a tiny baby. Here's my reasoning:

-When I see a mother with her child, I see something that I will have someday. For me, a baby is an end result that is still attainable, although it may be difficult to reach. Whether it be naturally, with fertility treatments, or through adoption, I have hope that I too will be a mother some day.

-When I see a pregnant belly, I see something I have always wanted, but may never have. I want so badly to feel a baby do somersaults inside my tummy, to feel those little kicks and punches. I want to hear that heartbeat and see a grainy black and white image of my child on the computer screen, flipping around and around. I want morning sickness, cravings and weight gain. I want to be asked rude questions like, "geez...how far along are you?" and "oh, my! How many do you have in there?!" But more than anything, I want to hold my baby in my arms. I can't wait to see them, smell them, and choose the perfect name...

So there it is. I know I shouldn't be complaining, technically, there really is nothing wrong with my husband and I...no real reason to believe that we may never achieve a pregnancy accept our track record of the inability to produce offspring thus far the last 18 months. It's so strange to think that I've spent most of my life wanting to be and/or stay skinny, but right now I can't help but covet those big fat pregnant bellies! Bring on those stretch marks!!!

“I still think people who get pregnant in their own homes and only see their doctors every 4 weeks are freaks of nature...”
-schmoodle, from the blog Busted Baby Maker

Brokenness

I know, I know...I have been a horrible blogger.

After much prayer, my husband and I decided to take a two month break this summer before possibly turning to infertility treatments. I was surprised at how relaxing it was to not have to deal with OPK's, charting cervical mucous, and checking for spotting during that dreaded two week wait...it also helped that we spent most of the past month at a family trip on the coast and then at Church camp. (the weather at the coast was perfect and 14 souls were saved at church camp!) I was able to keep myself busy, and am proud to say that even when AF reared her ugly head right on schedule, I wasn't too discouraged.

But then we moved on to our second and final break-month, and after the craziness of our summer had come to an end I found myself experiencing a sort of "brokenness" that I had never felt before. It only lasted a few days, but it really brought me to my knees and sort of stripped me down, which is right where I think God wanted me to be so that He could pick up the pieces and heal me, proving once again that He's the only one that can fix our problems. Since then, I have realized how much time I spend in prayer when times get tough, and how little time I spend when things are going my way.

One of my weaknesses as a Christian is to only run to God when things are hard, asking for His strength and guidance. But it's important to remember that I need God just as much in the good times as in the bad times. I still need to lean on God even when things seem perfect, because that's when Satan attacks.

Now we are both praying that God will guide us in the decision to begin treatments if this month doesn't bring us a pregnancy. God is already opening up doors, and it's amazing to sit back and watch him work in our lives!

"Character cannot be developed in peace and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
- Helen Keller