That is the question.
*sigh* I thought this was going to be an easy decision, but my period is just around the corner and I just can’t make up my mind. Should I attempt to wait a few more months in hopes that we still may achieve a pregnancy on our own, or should I make that appointment that will result in my body being artificially inseminated like a female cow? Neither one sounds very appealing at the moment.
I always thought that if/when my husband and I reached this infamous 19 month mark it would be easy to give up control and surrender to the wonders of the medical world…but I’m finding it more difficult than ever to accept the fact that I probably won’t get pregnant on my own. I’m fully aware that the odds are against me after all this time, especially since there is nothing wrong with either of us and we are categorized as unexplained. But I can’t help but be sad, because this just isn’t how I thought it would be. I never imagined that in order for me to get pregnant it would most likely take a vial of sperm and a huge syringe in a cold, sterile room. Then of course there is the gut-wrenching fear that after going through all of the poking, prodding and money spending it may not even work. It just seems so wrong.
Then, last night while I was on a walk around the neighborhood I started to cry, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I guess I had all of these emotions bottled up and they had to flow out. I prayed and prayed and prayed, asking God for wisdom and guidance in this decision, but I couldn’t help but feel that my prayers were bouncing off the sky. I know that was just my head getting in the way of my heart, and that God undoubtedly heard my prayers, but this is a tough decision to make while you’re already in a PMS induced emotional state.
Regardless, it needs to be made soon, and I know that God will lead my husband and I in the right direction. I just pray that we'll listen.
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
-Yogi Berra
2 comments:
You are in my prayers. No one can decide this for you. It is different when you are the one who sits there and hears all the details of what the doctor will do and what it will require, physically and financially. Let yourself feel all of what you are feeling. It only makes it worse to hold it all in. Remember you are not alone and that many prayers are headed upwards for you and Willie.
I say "not to IUI". I think you had some good break through last night in your tears. Trust in the Lord, and know that his timing is best. I have friends that tried for 7 years and never gave up hope... she is due in 2 weeks now. I know you don't want it to take 7 years but would you rather force yourself to have a baby or would you rather have a baby in God's timing? That is the real question. Just wait, be patient, your time will come; trust me, I know.
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