Sunday, July 18, 2010

{Day 5} Rejoicing

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I've tried my very best to stay away from the scale this cycle, knowing the mental and physical damage that small piece of scrap metal can bring, but I can't help but feel it mocking me every morning as I pass it by to start my day. So I stepped up this morning onto the cool, firm glass and waited for the black flashing digits to tell me the truth.

Is it really possible to gain five pounds in two days?

It sure is.

But I didn't panic, because as long as I'm doing my best to eat well and give my body the proper nutrients that it needs right now, the scale really isn't much of an issue. Besides, isn't the desired ending result of this madness to gain weight anyway?

There. Totally justified.

Lupron (10units, subQ injection): It cracks me up to think back to last year when I insisted that resting an ice pack on the injection site for at least five minutes before injecting this little guy was an absolute necessity. Now I just push and go, and the thought of being slowed down by a chilling attempt to numb my pooch in the early morning hours seems like a complete waste of precious sleeping time.

And while we're on the topic of numbness, I'm pretty sure that I'm still being blessed with a sense of peace and calm that I didn't have in my previous cycles. I still want a baby, I still get excited at the thought of this working and a little scared at the thought of it not, but mostly I'm just afraid of what will happen when the flood gates open and the emotions that I'm hoarding inside break loose.

Hopefully this will be our blessing cycle and we'll get the miracle we've always wanted, but there's always the possibility that it won't work and I'll experience that mental breakdown every one's been waiting for me to have.

Or maybe, if I have a little faith, I'll be fine either way.

I know I keep referring to this feeling as numbness, but there really is an even larger piece of my heart that just knows this is right. I'm confident that this is where I'm supposed to be at this exact moment, and have this strange, calming sensation that something really big is coming. And even though I can't be guaranteed a perfect cycle and happy ending, I'm thrilled to not be my usual obsessive compulsive self with a slew of backup plans and detailed lists, just in case.

This is our last try, and feel like I should be freaking out.

But I'm not.

And it feels amazing.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise Him.
Psalm 28:7 (KJV)

Dear Lord,

I know that this cycle is just beginning, and that we'll soon be picking up speed where satan will do his best to use the stress of it all to break me down; but for now I just can't help but recognize how incredibly blessed I am to have amazing friends and family lifting me up in prayer, pouring there hearts out to You on our behalf. I believe those very same prayers are protecting me now, enveloping me in Your mercy and causing my heart to rejoice in Your perfect peace.

I truly am blessed.

As this cycle progresses and the darkness begins to outweigh the light, help me to trust You and Your perfect plan. Remind me that You are the source of my strength, and the only one able to shield me from satan's fiery attacks. Gently turn my heart back to You as many times as it takes for me to give You the praise and honor You so rightly deserve,


“He who loves, flies, runs, and rejoices; he is free and nothing holds him back.”
-Henry Matisse


Robin said...

Calm is good! Push and go. That's fabulous. It fits into your life instead of trying to make your life adjust around IVF. I like it. A lot.

Life Happens said...

At the beginning of our IVF#3, I was sad because it was our last cycle and there was something about the finality of it that terrified me. But I kept praying for peace and comfort because I knew that the Lord was in control.

It is perfectly normal to be anxious, it's human nature. But it takes a lot of work to have faith and to believe.

I am praying so hard for you! I am grateful that our paths have crossed and I know the Lord has great plans in store for you both.

lparsons15 said...

Good for you for remaining so positive and calm!

jlynn said...

It's not an easy road, but your clear head and acceptance of the journey are I'm sure helping to keep that calm in place.

Continuing to think of you and praying for your miracle.

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

you are amazing!

Hillary said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. I am so scared of our last IVF that feels like it is just around the corner. You remind me that God CAN give me peace that surpasses understanding, even if I do end up in that scary "last attempt" place.

I am praying for you, friend, and entrusting you to God!