Sunday, January 31, 2010

We Still Have A Shot

Friday, 1-29-10 (Day 31) 1dp6dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Four pounds down, a lot more to go. But I'm starting to wonder if this change in diet is actually working, or if I'm just finally loosing some water weight from the retrieval.

Dostinex (.5mg, oral pill): Last one.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): Despite the pain, I hope I have to continue these for a very long time.

1dp6dt: Today, at one day past my six day transfer, the blastocysts should be hatching out of their shells.

As a sort of disclaimer, I should mention that the above information is actually used to describe what happens one day past a five day transfer instead of a six day transfer, but I'm still using this description because technically, my embryos reached the expanded blast stage a day later than normal, so there a little behind anyway.

Unlike last cycle I spent today at home, on the couch, doing absolutely nothing. I felt lazy and a bit spastic do to a lack of movement, but I'm taking advantage of the second half of my forty-eight hour rest to ensure I give these little ones all the time they need to settle into their new home.

The plan is to resume life as normal starting tomorrow, and trust that I've done all I can to rest my body in preparation of this pregnancy.

Pregnancy.

How weird is that? I keep forgetting that unless God has decided to take these little ones home to be with Him already, I really am pregnant.

Although I trust Him and His will for my life, I can't help but selfishly pray that He let's me keep them.

Saturday, 1-30-10 (Day 32) 2dp6dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): According to this Mayo Clinic diet, I should be dropping about half a pound every day, but I'm not budging.

Oh well, I'm pregnant, so it doesn't really matter anyway.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): I'm starting to enjoy my nighttime injections now that we're settling into a sort of routine. Every night I prepare my injection, shower and get comfortable, receive my injection, then relax on the couch with my heating pad for about an hour with my husband while watching mindless TV.

The whole process is actually pretty enjoyable.

Progesterone (50mg suppositories): :::sigh:::

I was supposed to start these awful, nasty, messy suppositories last night, but I completely forgot. So when I realized my mistake early this afternoon, I ran to the bedroom, inserted the oily, rocket shaped suppository, propped up my legs and read for about an hour.

But as soon as I stood up to jump in the shower, gravity pretty much pushed out everything I had worked so hard to put in, so I'm not sure how successful this endeavour really was.

2dp6dt: At two days past my six day transfer, the blastocysts should be attaching to a site on my uterine lining.

Sunday, 1-31-10 (Day 33) 3dp6dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Since the diet itself doesn't seem to be working, I took our precious embryos for their first brisk walk today. It felt so nice to get out of the house and enjoy the sunshine that's finally made it's debut after weeks of rain, rain, and more rain.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): Tonight's injection was followed by a heating pad, a glass of diet root beer and the girls of Wisteria Lane.

Progesterone (50mg suppositories): Last cycle, I experienced some spotting that was linked to these suppositories, but it didn't begin until almost a week into taking them.

Yesterday, I experienced a small amount of light pink spotting, and today, I woke up to a few streaks of bright red blood.

I would love to panic, I really would, but I'm not going to.

Instead I wrote my nurse an email explaining our predicament, and I'll do my best to stay away from the message boards and google about this matter until I hear her take on it all. I'll also try not to worry that the brisk walking I did this afternoon very well may have interrupted the implanting process that my time chart tells me should be happened today.

The reality is that this same spotting happened last cycle, and even though I didn't believe it was the suppositories at the time, as soon as I received my negative beta and stopped taking them, the spotting stopped. So this time I have to trust that it's just the suppositories, nothing else.

And that my body is simply a freak of nature.

3dp6dt: At three days past my six day transfer, implantation should begin as the blastocysts begin to bury into my lining.

I feel like a plastic yo-yo, all wound up one second, and then released the next. My drama induced over analytical self is telling me to be realistic and keep my hopes low, because the embryos that we transferred were slow-growing, low-graded, and a day late.

But then there's a still sensible yet optimistic side of my heart that just can't forget the happenings of the past few days, and the reality is that weather this cycle results in a pregnancy or not, a miracle has already taken place.

When the clinic called with our day three embryo reports, I was sure this would end up being another canceled cycle all over again. I started to put away my paperwork, plan my schedule around no longer having to leave town for a transfer, and start thinking about the next cycle and what I'd do differently.

I even refused a PIO shot.

But despite my sullen attitude, God chose to grow two of our precious embryos and bring them to an expanded blast state even when it seemed impossible. He hand picked these two miracles, molding and shaping them into exactly what He wanted them to be, making a six day transfer possible even when it shouldn't have been, and that's a kind of hope I choose to hold on too.

These two miraculous embryos that I pray are still thriving inside of me were given the lowest grade possible, but after what God has done for us this past week, what does it really matter? How dare I limit God in saying that they probably won't stick around, or that they have any less of a chance of survival then two perfect grade one embryos would have?

So I'm trusting God and trying my best to keep a healthy balance, knowing that He can make a pregnancy out of this, but keeping in mind that He still may not choose to do so.

But He can.

"Lord, I don't know where all this is going,
or how it all works out,
lead me to peace that is past understanding,
a peace beyond all doubt."
-Anonymous

11 comments:

theworms said...

Praying those embies are snuggling in as I type.

I hope this is finally it for you and DH.

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

i am praying hard, my love! so hard.

Mom Genes said...

Tab, I want this for you SO badly. All prayers on deck for you. I am checking in on you often, so please update us frequently. All my love to you!

Robin said...

He can!!!! Love you!

Suzanne said...

I am praying that you are pregnant!

A said...

I am definitely praying that He CHOOSES to bless those embies with a long happy healthy life!!

Jennifer said...

I'm praying so hard for you! xo

WantWait&Pray said...

You know I'm praying....and going out of my mind with impatience.
Soak in these next few days before the beta. Pray, dig into His Word and believe. Miracles do happen- and I have faith you have two miracles inside of you right now that you'll one day hold in your arms.

Kelli said...

Yes He can!! Praying those babies are making themselves at home! xoxo

Rebekah said...

You're in my prayers. I have such hope for you this cycle!

jessica56 said...

Thinking of you Tab! I love your blog entries! You are filled with so much hope and love and there are times I read your words and wish that I could feel the same sense of faith.