Thursday, January 28, 2010

Transfer Day {Part II}

Thursday, 1-28-10 (Day 30)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Starbucks and I are good again, because I finally found something I can have that doesn't make me feel guilty one little bit.

A sugar free, caffeine free passion fruit ice tea.

Now only if they could make it organic.

Ciprofloxacin (500mg, oral pill): Last one.

Dostinex (.5mg, oral pill): Second to last one.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): Tonight, I gladly excepted this injection, so much so that I almost opted to get shot twice just to make up for the skipped shot last Tuesday.

Egg Transfer: After packing our bags and heading down to my in-laws late last night to be closer to the clinic for this mornings possible transfer, the sheer panic and fear of loosing our remaining embryos resulting in a canceled cycle began to slowly diminish.

God, I trust you.

The more I contemplated yesterdays events, complete with the surprising news of three struggling life's still growing in a petri dish, the more I began to find peace in remembering that God is in control.

I knew this all along, but I finally began to really trust it.

And as we woke up early to make the hour long drive to Sacramento, I still felt a slight pang anxiety every time I caught a glance at my phone, mentally willing it not to ring and bring us news that none of our babies made it through the night and our transfer was off.

God, I trust you.

As we arrived at the clinic and opened the doors, a rush of peace came over me. And then as we sat down in the waiting room and waited to hear our fate, Dr. Greene himself came out to greet us and assure us that we still had two beautiful expanded blasts ready to transfer; they would have called first thing this morning, but they didn't want me to see them on the caller ID, think the worst and fall into cardiac arrest, so they decided to wait until we arrived.

I love that they know me so well.

We were then taken into his office and shown the pictures of our precious little ones, and reassured that although they were graded at a three, that doesn't mean they are hopeless. It just means they wouldn't be freezable, because only the highest grades are frozen as they are the most capable of surviving the stressful freeze and thaw process, but they were still miraculous.

Slow growing and fragmented, but miraculous fighters nonetheless.

And as we watched the Dr. and his team place our babies inside of my uterus on the fuzzy black screen, the past few days flashed through my head, playing like an old black and white film that only I could see.

I watched the follicles dance on the ultrasound screen, and felt the disappointment of an unchanged response, followed by the pride of being told we should expect around fifteen good eggs. Then I was in the recovering room, upset and crazed by a low number of the five thought-to-be-mature-follicles, followed by the gratitude of finding that in fact nine had been mature. And then I was at my desk at work, receiving the call that eight had fertilized, but the majority of our embryos were low celled, low grade, and not showing appreciable change even after day four, followed by the sense of hope that came with knowing on day five that we may still have a chance at transfer.

God, I trust you.

And then I was back in the room, laying on the sterile table once again with my husband by my side, watching conception take place on a gritty screen and being told that as of right now, we're pregnant with two flashing white spheres.

The most beautiful flashing white blurs I've ever seen, ever.

And so begins the week long wait to see what God has in store for us. By this time next Friday, we'll know if He has chosen us to carry two of His littlest angels and raise them here on this earth, or if He's decided to take them back to His Heavenly home to join our other embryos that were just too beautiful for this earth.

God, I trust you.

"Sometimes when we're waiting for God to speak, He's waiting for us to listen."
-Martha Bolton

16 comments:

Waletzko's said...

I get teary eyed and goosebumps reading this. God is so big.

Regina said...

You are amazingly blessed. I will continue praying for you, your DH and your beautiful little babies.

WantWait&Pray said...

Yes....praise God. You can actually know BEFORE Friday.....but that's no pressure from me! ;-)
I'm gonna be texting you every single day asking if you've tested because you're 1dp6dp today or 7dpo. I tested early and am SO glad I did. :-) Praying for you my dear and those two amazing babies of yours!

lparsons15 said...

Fingers crossed!!!

Kelli said...

Amazing!! God is so faithful and I love reading about how He is working in your heart through all of this! Congrats on being PUPO and praying this is the one!! xoxo

colleen said...

I hope your dreams will come true.. Keep wishing on the stars above. Thank you for sharing your journey.I hope this is the beginning of a new wonderful joyous joourney.

A said...

I think your attitude is amazing. I stand with you, trusting God that He will be faithful!!

Hillary said...

What a roller coaster these last few days have been - I am so sorry for the fear and stress BUT am so very thankful for the two beautiful embryos transferred!!! I am praying that they would grown and implant, Tab!

Life Happens said...

Here's to day 6 transfers!! You get your first beta on 2/5?! Mine's not until 2/10!! I'm sure I'll POAS before then.

Mrs. Hammer said...

What good news. You will be in my prayers as you wait to see if your little ones stick. God is good!

Brittney said...

Wonderful news. I'm praying for you! Snuggle in tight, little embabies.

Nicole said...

Oh man I just caught up on your whole ER, fert, and ET whirlwind. I wish your "perfect" cycle had kept being just that. But think (+) positive, and remember no matter how good your embryos or odds are, (or how bad), ultimately it is all up to God. We cannot cheat Him out of the procreative process. Case in point: Sonja and I had our IVFs on the same days. I transferred two beautiful blasts and the docs said I would for sure have twins with them. I am having one (not to sound disappointed at all, I'm not!). Sonja transferred three dismal blasts in hopes of one taking by miracle, and now she has FOUR! It really is all up to God, especially after we've done all that we can do.
I hope with all my heart that it is His will for you to get pregnant this time, and that you can hold on to whatever hope and trust you've got over the next five days. Good luck with the rest of your 2ww, and hopefully Friday will bring the best news you've ever heard :)

Mom Genes said...

Praying for you this morning.
Praying for your babies this morning.

I pray this is IT for all of you.

Suzanne said...

I'm praying that you'll have wonderful news on Friday! I'm so glad that the transfer went well. Tabitha, your positive attitude and faith continue to inspire me. Best of luck to you!

Lisa said...

Oh this is going to be the LONGEST 2ww ever! Best of luck to you sweetie, and I hope those embies are snuggling in for the next 9 months!

Trudy said...

Wishing you all the best & saying prayers for your precious little miracles!