Waiting For Our Shot

Monday, 2-1-10 (Day 34) 4dp6dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Still taking them, still on the diet, albeit at a standstill in weight loss.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): Easy.

Progesterone (50mg suppositories): Just the usual; small amount of pinkish red discharge when I wake up, and a tiny bit throughout the day.

4dp6dt-At four days past my six day transfer, the implantation process should continue as my morulas bury deeper into my lining.

I'm experiencing some very dull cramping, and I just can't decide if that's something to be excited about or something to loathe. I know every pregnancy is so different, I just wish someone could respond-when I tell them that my back is aching and that's not normal for me-that I'm for sure pregnant for that reason alone.

But we all know it doesn't work that way, so I'll just try to ignore the twinges, cramps, and dull aches, and not look too far into them.

Because they could be growing babies.

But they could also be from my body preparing to start my period.

Tuesday, 2-2-10 (Day 35) 5dp6dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Check.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): Because of earlier events, tonight's injection was hard to take.

Progesterone (50mg suppositories): Remember how I said that despite my morning and mid day spotting that was most likely related to these nasty suppositories, I would remain calm?

That all went out the window-or flushed down the toilet-today.

Amidst a busy day at work, I rushed to the bathroom late afternoon for a quick potty break and found that my pantyliner had completely soaked through with a pinkish red discharge. Not quite blood, but not quite not, either.

Just enough to assume that despite the insane amount of PIO I'm consuming, my body was still attempting to start my period. And even after contacting the nurse just to ease my mind, all I was left with was a nurse that was just as apprehensive and confused as I was. Oh, and instructions to continue all meds and keep her updated.

Fast forward to several neurotic trips to the bathroom later, and it's still there, along with a very light, dull cramping that I may not have noticed had I not been leaking pinkish red fluid like a stuck pig.

5dp6dt-At five days past my six day transfer, my morulas should be completely implanted into my lining, and have developed their placentas and fetal cells.

God, I trust you.

Wednesday, 2-3-10 (Day 36) 6dp6dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): It's day eleven of a twelve day diet, and after holding steady at an unideal weight for the past few days and feeling discouraged, this morning brought the loss of two more pounds.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): Check.

Progesterone (50mg suppositories): After the unwanted blood tinged discharge made it's major debut yesterday afternoon, I spend the rest of last night drinking water like a fish and praying for a miracle.

This morning, I didn't wake up to the usual pink and red tinted gunk that's haunted me the past few days, I simply found a dark yellow mess instead.

6dp6dt-At six days past my six day transfer, the placentas cells should begin to secret HCG into my blood.

Technically, I could have tested this morning like most girls would. But after yesterdays bleeding scare I much more prefer the blissful state of ignorance that I'm floating in as of late, and I can't bare to spend the money on a home pregnancy test anyway.

I'm slightly crampy, accompanied by a very dull back ache, and the constant flutter of nerves paired with a heartbeat that suggests I'm about to die.

Other than that, I'm good.

Thursday, 2-4-10 (Day 37) 7dp6dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): And I'm down one more pound on the last day of my diet, bringing the grand total of weight loss to seven pounds, which I'm very happy with. Tonight, I will make myself a dot cake with dot frosting and refrain from licking the spoon and the bowl, and come this time tomorrow I'll be eating that entire cake out of either sorrow, or pure bliss.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): It makes me sick to my stomach to think that this could be my last PIO shot. I'd much prefer to continue them for months to come, despite the pain, the bruising, and the hard lumps that have formed all over my behind.

Progesterone (50mg suppositories): I should have known yesterday was too good to be true.

I remember waking up sometime in the middle of the night to an extreme burning sensation where I knew my suppository was setting inside of me. I took it as a good sign, assuming that meant that my cervix was indeed being irritated and drifted off back to sleep.

I woke up again around four am and drug myself into the restroom, praying I wouldn't see red, so when I looked down and saw the pinkish discharge in such a small quantity in my underwear I was actually grateful.

Until I looked in the toilet and saw pink water.

And then at the toilet paper that was soaked with the color red.

I sat there for a few minutes longer, until I decided that it was best to go back to bed. I crawled in, curled into the fetal position and fell asleep as I fought back the tears and prayed over and over again that the morning would bring better news and less blood.

When I woke up this morning to get ready for work, I found a clean pantie liner but still experienced blood in the toilet and on the toilet paper. As the day had progressed, I've seen less and less on the toilet paper every time I use the restroom, but it's still there.

I'm not entirely convinced this is my period, because it just doesn't feel the same, so I'm praying that it's irritation, although my mind is telling me that just doesn't fit either. I know that spotting is normal after IVF, and even throughout the first trimester of a pregnancy.

But this isn't spotting. It's bleeding.

7dpt6dt-At seven days past my six day transfer, more HCG should be produced as my fetus(s) continue to develop.

And so begins the end to my oblivious state of purposed pregnancy. Come tomorrow, I will know the final outcome of this cycle, and the present state of my uterus.

For those of you who are curious as to how I'm holding up, I'd say I'm simply holding on right now. Following this weeks numerous bleeding scares, I'm just so torn. I know I serve a God that can make anything happen, so I'm wishing, hoping and praying continually that He will choose to bless us with a pregnancy despite the strange and disturbing pink and red discharge issues. I know I have a sensitive cervix, so the simple explanation of irritation causing the bleeding would make sense if it was a small amount, but it just seems like too much to be justified as irritation.

Meanwhile, my heart and mind are kicking themselves into survival mode. All I've ever known is negative results from any kind of infertility treatment you can possibly think of, so while I have faith, it's still so hard for me to wrap my head around seeing blood and picturing a positive result after tomorrows beta blood draw all in the same brain wave frequency.

I want to believe so badly that this is our time. I want to imagine myself receiving a phone call tomorrow that includes a super high beta number, a congratulations, squeals and happy tears. I want to know what it feels like-for the first time in my life-to truly be pregnant and know that inside of me is growing a child that is half mine, and half my husbands.

I want to look for baby cribs, diaper bags, walk into my own baby shower and decorate my own nursery. I want to see an ultra sound screen that holds a heart beat or two, instead of multiple follicles and a rock star lining.

I want so badly to be pregnant.

But I know that all the positive thinking in the world won't will that to happen, it has to be God's will, not my own. I want God to want me to be pregnant, I want Him to will me to be pregnant, I want Him to let me be pregnant.

All of the above, please.

I could just leave work, purchase a home pregnancy test, and bring all of this mindless waiting and billowing anticipation to an end here and now, but I just can't do it. Because if I take the test and it's positive, I'll be ecstatic, but still won't be able to believe it until the beta numbers come back nice and high. And if the test would come up stark white and negative, I'd still hold on to the hope that it's defective, because I'd fall into denial.

All signs point to wait until beta.

God, I trust you.

“If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine.”

-Morris West