Right now I'm shamelessly downing some Grande-Mint-Mocha-Frappachino-with whipped-cream-and-carmel-drizzle-goodness.
Darn these things, they suck me in every time.
I had no choice; Frappachinos mixed with a few extra-strength Tylenol is the only thing that quites my throbbing ovaries during times like these.
Not that I'm counting, but today is the start of cycle number 28 and the first day of our last unmedicated and unmonitored month of trying to produce our much awaited offspring. Literally our last chance at a natural pregnancy before we open up that pack of birth control and jump into the medically advanced world of ART treatments and IVF.
My mind is racing. Should I even bother being hopeful that we could actually get pregnant on our own this cycle, or should I just resume preparing for IVF and pretend like I really don't care? Is it crazy that I'm actually excited for IVF instead of terrified? Do I need to call the Dr. and double check that they've ran every test possible to accelerate our chances of this working? Is all this emotional Frappachino drinking making me fat?
The only thing besides the Tylenol and Frappachino that quites my rebellious ovaries and eccentric mind is the fact that God doesn't think in terms of months and to-do-lists. He doesn't have a countdown in his head like I do, mentally checking off my jumble of tests, blood work, ovulation dates and Frappachino calories.
It's all new, exciting, and wonderfully terrifying, but it's also liberating to have faith that God knows exactly how this is going to turn out; He'll never be surprised or caught off guard because He's already written the ending to this story.
And it's pretty pointless to stress about and contemplate the future when I fully trust that God will take care of it, because the thought of God in control of this entire process is far more powerful than a Frappachino and Tylenol.
And it's fat free, too.
When through life’s darkened maze I go
And troubles overwhelm my soul
Oh grant me, Lord, the faith to know
that you are always in control.