Saturday, April 4, 2009

Another Milestone

It's been a full year since the day I started this blog. I can see it now, in all it's dark blue and polka dotted background glory. I hadn't even come up with a final blog name yet, Just Tab. I was so nervous and excited to venture out into the blogging world; full of hope that positive vent-blogging would suddenly make me fertile.

After a few months had passed and I remained faithfully infertile, I chose to rename my blog Think (+) Positive to remind myself of the necessity to always see the good in my situation, and to use it to help others. I still had faith that one day I'd see that (+) on a pregnancy test, and had a plan to get there that included a round or two of clomid, possibly an IUI.

And here I am, one year, two IUI's, and one male factor infertility diagnosis later. I'm still Thinking (+) Positive, and am proud to say I've accomplished more than just an upgraded background; I've met new friends, amazing ladies who have shown me unconditional support though they've never met me in person. I've learned more about me, more about how my plans usually turn out. More about my limits, my fears, my personal struggles. I'm not as naive as I was back then, and this year has really opened my eyes.

I used to think that infertility had stolen things from me. My innocence of pregnancy. My ability to be truly happy for others around me that are pregnant. In some ways it's made me more compassionate towards others who are struggling, but it's also added a bit of bitterness into my heart, a jealousy and envy that I don't think was really there before. Sure, I'm stronger; but I'm also a little bit harder. And I blamed infertility for it.

But then I realized that infertility-or any situation for that matter-isn't responsible for changing us. How we choose to deal with the matter, what we let into our hearts is what changes us. Infertility did not make me hard, bitter, or jealous at times. I did. I alone am responsible for my feelings, actions, and attitude. During those weak moments, instead of looking to God for strength and help I chose to wallow in self pity, if even for a second, and that's when the envy and fear crept in.

As I type this entry, I'm realizing that there are many more stressful and traumatic things that happen to people far worse than infertility. I'm blessed that this trial I've been given is most likely something fixable, a broken dream that will become a reality someday. But I think it just seems so dramatic to me because up until this struggle, I've lived a pretty uneventful, trauma free, perfectly beautiful life. I was happy, blessed, and continually thriving. But since infertility, I'm really, truly awake. I know now, at 26 years of age, that life isn't always perfect. Things won't always go my way, and sometimes bad things happen to good people. But I've also learned that God's grace is sufficient, no matter what we're dealing with in life.

I'm not being punished for anything, and God didn't give me infertility, He's just holding my hand as I walk through it.

So maybe I'm a little messed up after all this time. Who isn't? The important thing is that I've grown. Not on my own-of course-but with the help of God, family and friends. It's really hard to look back on all I've experienced over the last year and have any complaints, any regrets. because even though this year hasn't brought me a baby, but it's taught me so much more than I ever expected. I've experienced more sunshine than rain, far more joy than pain.

God has revealed Himself to me in so many ways; and it's made me more ready then ever to be a mother. I am so blessed, and God has proven over and over again His very simple truth.

He is all I need.

It doesn't matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. it follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up...before we can step up.
-Alex, Grey's Anatomy


Kelli said...

Wishing you more sunshine and even more joy as you conintue on your journey!

BNHMAMA said...

what a blessing your blog has been to me and so many others!!!

Lisa said...

Great post!

The Pifer's said...

I left you something on my page-

twondra said...

I'm coming over from Tiffany's blog and wanted to wish you luck on your journey. :) You seem like such an inspiration. (((HUGS)))