Tomorrow morning my husband and I will meet in Sacramento with an Reproductive Endocrinologist for the first time. We'll give our Sample at 8am and then find out the results of our third and final SA an hour later.
Until yesterday, I was really excited about this. Not nervous, anxious, or worried, just...excited. Hopeful. Ready for some answers.
As I was packing my bags this morning for our weekend trip, the doubt started to creep in. I became aware of the obvious truth, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Whether or not our SA results come back normal, we still have a problem either way. Good sperm or bad sperm, we're still not pregnant after more than two full years. Why didn't I think about this before?
I immediately began examining the possibilities of tomorrows endeavours, one being that after 3 long months of ConceptionXR vitamins our SA shows excellent volume, perfect morphology, and speedy motility. The Dr. tells us we have amazing sperm and everything checks out great for both of us, but after more than two years of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, our odds of getting pregnant on our own are pretty much slim to none. He then proceeds to give us the IVF speech, since we've already had two miserably failed IUI's.
Then there is scenario two. The Dr. informs us that our volume is inadequate, our morphology is mutated and our motility is sluggish. So we've got plenty of sperm, but what we do have is lazy, retarded, and unlikely to penetrate through to my eggs. Assuming I have good eggs, of course. And he then proceeds to give us the IVF speech, since what we've just learned tells us that IUI's would do us little to no good at this point.
So there you have it-all signs point to IVF.
And realizing that my excitement for tomorrow has turned to disappointment- before we've even seen the Doctor-is a sad revelation to me. How did I get to this place? What happened to the God-Is-In-Control part of me that usually kicks in right about now?
But thankfully, as I type out this entry, my thoughts and feelings are slowly changing. That's one of the things I love most about blogging; it seems to put everything into perspective. Makes me refocus on what really matters, making me accountable for my thoughts and actions. And as I reconsider the possibilities of tomorrows events, I'm feeling a peace and joy that only God can give creep in. He is in control. He knows what He's doing. And He has us here in this place for a reason, no doubt with our best interests in mind. And despite my freakish need to be in charge, this is what I know. What I need to believe.
Suddenly, all the questions don't seem so important. My husband may or may not have great sperm. I may or may not have great eggs. Infertility isn't fair, and it's expensive and painful and extremely difficult. But for some reason God chose us, and now we have to make a conscious effort choose Him every day.
I know I'll have kids some day. They may come naturally, or with medical intervention, or possibly through adoption, I don't know. But what I do know is that when I have them, I will love them so much more deeply because of this whole mess. All of the fear, worry, pain and unanswered questions will fade away, and all that will matter is the "now". And no matter what news we hear tomorrow, it will bring us one step closer to that "now".
And that is something to be excited about.