Third Shot's A Charm

And so begins the documentation of All Things IVF, Part 3; where I'll share my experiences of our third attempt at starting our family using the most evasive medical procedure possible.

We're praying that the third shot is our charm.

Wednesday, 12-30-09 (Day 1)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Let's try to avoid ravenous hunger and excessive weight gain this time around, shall we?

Lupron (10units, subQ injection): My first injection of this cycle was not lacking drama, that's for sure.

I've been extremely blessed in the past to have received most my meds for free through a donation program that's saved me thousands of dollars. I had my best turn out by far with this third cycle, having every last one of my expensive indictable drugs donated and leaving me a mere $50 worth of antibiotics and suppositories to purchase.

Amazing.

Among those drugs was a last minute Lupron donation, just in time for my cycle to begin. My sweet donator took the medication to the post office and set the delivery date for Tuesday, exactly one day before my cycle began, and paid extra shipping to guarantee it's arrival. However, on Monday I checked the tracking information to make sure the delivery was on schedule, and found that that the package was in fact on it's way back to Pennsylvania where it started.

So after a very large frappachino, an e-mail and a few phone calls, we had verified that the shipping address was indeed correct, everything was on track, and the package would be delivered as promised on Tuesday afternoon. I breathed a sigh of relief and then scolded myself for drinking caffeine this close to the start of my cycle.

Then Tuesday arrived, and instead of my Lupron package I received an email from my donator letting me know that the package was instead back in her hands in Pennsylvania, less than twenty-four hours away from my first scheduled injection here in California.

So I had myself a panic attack, followed by an even bigger frappachino.

My donator was stuck, completely unable to go to the UPS store to sort things out because she was an hour away from one without a car, and couldn't leave work. She called them several times, explaining our unique situation and asking them to send out a truck to come pick it up from her and get it to California, but the best they could do was have her bring it to them by 6:30pm so they could send it out and guarantee delivery by today at 10:30am.

It wasn't ideal, but it was the best we could do; in fact at that point it was all we could do, because even if I ordered it from my pharmacy and paid for it myself, it still wouldn't have arrived any earlier.

Luckily the Lupron arrived around 9:45am this morning, and I was still able to give myself the injection on the appropriate start date, although it arrived in the middle of a meeting I was having with some clients. I had to ask them as politely as possible to look around the showroom while I excused myself to the restroom, mutilated the package while trying to open it, and stuck myself with a little 1/2" needle that burned and itched like crazy. Then I had to try to hide the evidence since this is our first secret cycle, shoving it under the bathroom cabinet and hoping no one would find it before I could retrieve it again and hide it in my trunk.

It's a good thing I'm a pro at these awkward, untimely injections.

I succeeded, and as far as I know my customers had no idea I was shooting up in the bathroom. And even though I polluted my otherwise organic well being with frappachinos and stress, the bottom line is that the medication arrived just in time and my injection was given only a few hours later than it should have been. God provided and everything worked out wonderfully in the end.

And if today was any indication of how the rest of the cycle is going to be, The Documentation of All Things IVF Part 3 is going to be full of twists and turns around every corner, never a dull moment.

But perfect in the end.

Thursday, 12-31-09 (Day 2)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Being the very last day of 2009, I'm resorting to a medical resolution. I will not beat myself up over the type and amount of foods that I disperse into my body, but instead I will remain gracious and continue to be thankful for this amazing opportunity, trying my best to take care of myself but also enjoy every moment of this blessing to the fullest.

Oh, and absolutely no frappachinos.

Lupron (10units, subQ injection): Today's injection was much less dramatic. I simply woke up, loaded the syringe, and gave myself the tiny injection.

I shouldn't be surprised, even after all of yesterdays craziness. After all, this is my third cycle of injections, and the odds are that this will be the smoothest set of shots yet. I don't even have to look at a calendar any more in fear of messing up a dose or giving the wrong injection on the wrong date. I can mix vials with ease, I've finally mastered the sharps container (I swear that first one was defective) and I can pretty much convert a mL into form of measurement possible.

I can even give myself an injection just about anywhere, anytime.

For this cycle Im trying my best to have no fear of mistakes. I know the possibilities, I know that stats, I know the process; and all of this just leads me to spend more time praying for God's will, and less time trying to design a path to reach my own. God holds the future in His hands and He is completely in control of the situation, leaving me with the one task of letting go of my need to be in control at all times and give it all over to Him for this next cycle.

One day at a time.

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."

-Elbert Hubbard

A New Beginning

Today, I realized I'm officially a "multiple IVFer".

A title usually reserved for couples who have more severe problems than slight MFI, it basically means you've undergone several IVF attempts. As in more than one. Derived from our original thinking that it would only take us one try at IVF to become pregnant, the intensity of this role hit me hard.

I contemplated how in the world this happened, how we managed to get here. Questioning how we became that couple, the one in their mid twenties with perfect health and non-alcohol, smoke free rockstar ovaries, still un-impregnated after almost three years and two full IVF cycles.

Well, one and a half to be exact, but still.

After the trauma of today's realization settled, I deemed it necessary to treat myself to the only drug that ever works for me. I purchased a previously denied, much deserved, caffeine laden Frappachino that I enjoyed immensely until I remembered that I was sipping poison into my veins.

Because come December 30th we'll secretly be moving on to IVF number three-holding tight to our freshly earned title of multiple IVFers-and caffeine is thus far still forbidden.

So now you hold the key to the largest part of the reason this blog has officially become private. It all started about a month ago when my ridiculously generous parents let us know that they were ready when we were to try again, mere seconds after the results of our negative beta was released.

At the time we respectfully declined, but not because we weren't physically or mentally ready to try again. The truth was that we just couldn't bring ourselves to accept even more money from bank of mom and dad again, especially on the eve of our previously failed IVF.

I could practically see their money getting flushed down the toilet as I threw the negative HPT into the trash, and it killed me.

However, my father isn't one to take no for an answer, and he spent the next few days reminding me that they can afford it, they are willing to do it, and I'll understand their logic and undying suport when I have my own children.

And the fact that he-and my eggs-aren't getting any younger.

Mostly due to our unfeigned desire to attain a biological child, it didn't take long to break down our defenses. And while I'm still struggling with pride and guilt ridden thoughts of being the most expensive child ever as my parents once again pay out an extremely large sum of their own money in a crappy economy to fix a problem that isn't even their own, I'm trying instead to focus on the gratitude I feel for this blessing that God has provided for us.

But this time, we're following through with this new chapter of our journey in a more secretive form. Although I'd never change the past-and the fact that everyone we knew and their mother supported us throughout these last two cycles-we've decided to change things up. No one besides us, my parents, and the blog sphere will be made aware of our endeavours this time around.

This is our chance to shed the label of infertile and be somewhat normal for once. Under our current circumstances, we now have a unique opportunity to advance through this next cycle in secret, soaking up the prayers that I know are still going up for us, all while being able to do what we've always wanted to do.

Become pregnant, make it through the first trimester, and surprise everyone with our news.

So that-mixed with a slight change in our med regimen that I'll talk about in an upcoming post-is our new plan. We'll embrace our controversial title of multiple IVFers and stand proud, excited for what is to come and ready to take another shot at our own version of faith mixed with medical intervention.

This is our new beginning, complete with a new ending.

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

-Maria Robinson

Coming To Conclusions

It's official; Think (+) Positive is going private.

Blogger only allows 100 readers when you switch your blog to private, so I'm going to give everybody one more week to request an invite before I make the official switch. As of right now, I there are only a handful of spots available and I'm first-come-first-serving, so if you want an invite e-mail me soon at Tab2710@aol.com before time-and spots-are gone.

I would really love to continue sharing this journey with the entire world, but we know without a doubt the best thing for us is to make this blog private, at least for a little while. Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support, we need them now more than ever as we venture back to the beginning of our journey where times were easy, life was simple, and we had all the hope in the world that we'd be parents someday.

Because now, after almost three long years and a roller coaster of emotions, we are back to square one.

Presumably, right where God wants us to be.

So if there's anything I've learned

From this journey I am on

Simple truths will keep you going

Simple love will keep you strong

Because there are questions without answers,

flames that never die,

And heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise

So thank you Lord,

How could I ask for more
- Cindy Morgan Lyrics