Monday, September 20, 2010

A New Begining

This isn't really the end, just a transition.

Two and a half years ago, I started this blog to document what I thought would be the fairly short journey to starting our family, but I had no idea what I was in for.

We'd already been trying for a year, and had pretty much been ignored by every doctor we saw because we were healthy, we were young, and apparently sometimes it just takes longer for some people to get pregnant than others. But I always knew in my heart something was wrong, and we fought like crazy to find out what it was.

We spent the wide gap between the beginning of this blog and our present day affair learning to grow physically, mentally and-most importantly-spiritually. We've questioned God, searched for answers, suffered through two failed IUI's, received a diagnosis of male factor infertility, attempted three unsuccessful IVF's and experienced the crushing heartbreak of feeling absolutely lost and hopeless in our given situation, even knowing all along that God was in control.

And finally, in the midst of our fourth and final IVF, God answered our prayers.

It wasn't a simple feet, either. God chose to display his marvelous works throughout the course of our entire last cycle, dropping one miracle after another in our laps week after week, proving his sovereignty through negative home pregnancy tests, extremely low beta numbers, and an obsessive compulsive girl who just needed a little more faith.

And when we saw that heart beating away at a day short of eight weeks, we praised Him again for yet another miracle.

It wasn't always easy, and it's still difficult at times. We've struggled with the downpour of multiple failed cycles and are constantly finding it difficult to accept this gift as a reality while we continue to deal with the scars of infertility and the fear it brings. And being that it's still so early in the pregnancy, I'm daily fighting a never ending battle that can only be conquered through fervent prayer and increased faith as I wait on the Lord to bless and grow our precious little one.

Because this child does not belong to us, it belongs to God.

And as we push through this new journey, this new chapter of our lives, I've decided it's time to find a new place to document our growing family. Think (+) Positive has been an incredible outlet for me to share my thoughts and feelings while struggling with infertility, but I want to be able to start fresh, sharing the next several months freely without fear of saddening anyone who may still be struggling with their own battle of infertility.

However; though my body is now pregnant, my mind and heart are still very much infertile. For those of you still fighting, please know that I really do understand what your going through and I want to continue to support and encourage you, and this blog will stay open so that I can still come over and document my feelings about infertility and share the blessings God's so graciously given me.

Because what started off as a blog to document my attempt to grow my family quickly became my venting place, my support system, and my sanity. So when-God willing-our precious miracle is born, I'll come back. We've been blessed with two miraculous frozen embryos, so there is a FET in our future, along with the possibility of more IVF's if God provides and leads our hearts in that direction.

So for now, this isn't really goodbye, it's more of a transition. And now that we'll be less concerned with keeping this overwhelming journey a surprise from our closest friends and family within the next few weeks, we'll be making Think (+) Positive a public blog once again and I'll be sharing our new journey over at our newest soon to be public blog, Paper Airplanes.

I'd love for you to all join me as we praise God for finally growing our new little family in His perfect timing; but before I go, I want to leave you all with my long awaited acceptance speech.


I've been planning this for years. And after seeing nothing but negative pregnancy tests my whole life, finally being able to hold a positive pee stick in my hand feels an awful lot like I'm holding a massive trophy at a global event.

The only thing I'm missing is the ball gown.

So first and foremost, I'd like to thank my Heavenly Father for this precious miracle, and for the struggle of infertility that accompanied it. The second heart beating inside of me at this very moment wouldn't be nearly as precious to us had it come easily. We know that You alone are able to create new life, and You chose this broken road for us for reasons that we may never know, but what we do know from this journey is that You are merciful, faithful, and awesome.

You've made my dreams come true, this child belongs to You.

Next I'd like to thank my gorgeous husband, who without his generous donation of sperm and DNA, this wouldn't be possible. You've seen more mood swings than any man should, yet you love me unconditionally despite them. You've been my partner in crime, my best friend, my shot giver, cervical mucous analyzer and second line squinter. You've pushed your own personal needs aside to conform to our endless months of cycling, and I'll never forget the way you insisted on talking to my stomach the day you found out we were finally pregnant.

I pray this baby is as beautiful as you.

And my parental units, the main financial contributors to this precious child, the most expensive grandchild in the history of the world. It's because of you that we were able to use the medical intervention that God allowed to bring us our miracle, and we'll never be able to repay you for this priceless gift. Your love, support, and faithfulness in raising me up to know the Lord has kept me sane, I couldn't have done it without you. I pray that I can be half the parents you guys were to me.

I can't wait to share this baby with you.

To my never-even-met-before-blog-friends, they don't have the words in the English language to explain such an immense love for a group of women I've never seen in real life. You've been my prayer partners, my google, my venting crowd and a never ending support system that's forever accessible twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I wish I could call you all out by name, but I'm afraid that wouldn't be appropriate given this will soon be a very public internet blog once again.

It's ridiculous how good you've been to me.

And finally, to Dr. Greene and his staff over at SIRM. God made this baby, but you were the tools. You put up with my continuous line of obsessive question emails regarding the newest infertility experiments, my ill-equipped body that acts like it has PCOS when mixed with Follistim but doesn't, and even catered to my insane requests for a freakish amount of betas and early ultrasounds.

You guys clearly wanted this baby as much as we did, and that means the world to me.

I hope I'm not forgetting anyone. We love you all, and we are so very thankful not only for this unspeakable gift, but also for the broken road that God orchestrated that led us straight to our miracle; the road that we were blessed to have been able to document and share with you all.

A road that we still haven't reached the end of yet.

So this isn't goodbye, it's simply a new beginning. A clean slate, a brand new start to a fresh chapter in our lives, one that we pray is filled with love and blessings as rich as the last.

And we can't wait to see what God has in store.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."
-T.S. Eliot


Hillary said...

Tab, I am just so amazed and thankful to our God of miracles for the little one growing inside of you. Thanks for letting me walk with you on this journey. Love you!

Robin said...

What a beautiful post! And a fabulous acceptance speech!!! That's so creative, girl. Can't wait to see what the Lord sends you on those Paper Airplanes we all keep looking for cause I know it will be amazing. Much love my sweet friend!

lparsons15 said...

Seriously..what an amazing post! I am SO happy you are going to keep on blogging..Thank you so much for letting me follow along on this journey and I certainly will be moving on to your new blog!

Melissa said...

Beautiful post...made me teary eyed.

A.E. said...

Tab, You have a gift, girl. I hope that if you are ever led to tell your story, you are encouraged by how much we all gain from reading your thoughts. This morning, you brought a fresh, precious reminder of how far we've come. I am honored and thrilled to follow you on this new journey. I'm in LA this morning peering out over a foggy Glendale mountain enjoying your state!

WantWait&Pray said...

Can't wait to follow the new bloggity blog! SO exciting- savor every single moment my dear friend. This time is too precious to wish away- even though every week feels like a milestone. Soon pregnancy will be a distant memory and you'll be gazing into the beautiful eye's of your baby boy or baby girl (I think girl)! xo

RELH said...

: ) I tried to click over to the new one... Are you going to do invites?

Stephanie said...

Girl you are amazing! I wish you knew how much you inspire people (going through infertility or not) through your tribulations. You have a way of writting and it's incredible!!
Thank you for always finding the right words even when you werestrughling more than I could ever imagine. I can't wait to start reading your new blog!
Lots of prayers for you as always!!!

jlynn said...

You are an amazingly beautiful woman and I thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to hearing more of your growing little one. Thinking of you :)

JackieMac said...

Hey Girl - I got your e-mail about the new blog - but I accidentaly deleted it - can you send it to me again???

Mrs. Hammer said...

I just had to comment back that when it hit me how calm I was this cycle I totally thought of you! Just thought you'd get a kick out of knowing that God uses his people!

Momma said...

Tabby it has been months since I was able to sit by my computer for than just a few minutes. Finally had the time today and peeked in. Seriously my eyes just welled up with tears about the wonderful news. I am so happy for you. I've spent the last hour reading and I am so moved. You're amazing!!! Keep these wonderful posts coming. I am gonna make the time to follow your wonderful journey. May God continue to bless you more and more every single day.


Anonymous said...

Why do you think that God answers some people's prayers for a baby bot not others? Is it because they pray better or are more deserving?

Tabitha said...

Dear Anonymous,

Good question! If only it were easy to answer...

All I can tell you for sure is that I know God's will for all of His children to recieve the very best. However, we can't see the big picture, so we never really know what the best for us really is...only God does. We just know what we want, and what we think is best.

With that being said, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that God does not answer some peoples prayers for a baby because they prayed harder or because they deserve it more! The bible says that God is no respector of persons (Romans 2:11), and unfortunetly, because of the sin cursed world that we live in, it rains on the just AND the unjust (Matthew 5:45).

In my own personal life, I wanted a baby four years ago. I wanted one, I thought I deserved one, and I thought God should have given me one right then, and three more right after that, all before I was 30 :). But...He had other plans! Four years, two IUI's, and four IVF's later, we finally got the answer to our prayers. Because it was in GOD'S time, not mine. And I just have to trust that He has His reasons for making us wait, and believe that HIS plan is better than any plan I could have ever made for my own life.

I can't tell you for sure why some people's prayers get answered and other's don't, but I do know that when one door closes, God openes another. And He here's ALL of our prayers, even if we think He isn't listnening, or if we think He gave us the wrong answer. :)

I hope this helps!

Brimonidine Tartrate said...

Hello nice blog, iam going to follow your blog..just keep on work.

Mona Lisa said...

What Kool-aid did you drink? Your God talk makes me want to barf? What the heck makes you think you are so special that god answers your prayers above anyone else's?

Tabitha said...

Mona Lisa,
God answers everyones prayers in His own timing and in His own will. My prayers aren't any more special than anyone elses, he loves us all the same :) And I don't much like cool Aid...too sweet for me! said...

Your baby must be keeping you busy by now. A belated congratulation and God bless you and your family.