Thursday, September 16, 2010

{7w6d}

It was probably the most terrified I've ever been.

After marvelling at a full week free of spotting, worried only about the fact that I'm still not really experiencing any pregnancy symptoms, I was not so pleasantly surprised to see the brown discharge covering my pantyliner. However, if my body was going to choose this very moment to start spotting again, it couldn't have been a better time or place to do so.

I was in the bathroom at the R.E.'s office, waiting to go into my second sonogram to see if I was still growing a little miracle. Up until that point during the day, I'd been pretty calm. Spot free-and with no painful cramps-most likely meant that everything was going to be OK.

But then there was the spotting, which meant everything was all wrong.

As soon as I walked out of the restroom-before I could even share the bleak spotting news with my husband-we were ushered into the sterile ultrasound room and prepared for what would either be one of the most amazing moments of our life, or quite possibly the worst.

As Dr. Greene positioned me in the stirrups and prepared the machine, I couldn't breathe. I wasn't able wrap my mind around the fact that we were about to see a heartbeat in the next sixty seconds, and the anticipation was almost too much to handle, because at that very moment I was one hundred percent sure there was no longer life inside of me.

And then we saw it.

The tiny, flickering flutter of a heart.

And at that moment-for the first time-I knew I was pregnant. The beta blood tests, the positive home pregnancy tests, even the previous sonogram of the gestational sac and fetal pole; none of it seemed real. None of it was moving or breathing, it was all an illusion; just a memory.

A possibility.

Everyone assured me that hearing the heartbeat would make this child real; but for me, it was seeing the small, subtle movement that woke me up to reality. For the first time, I was staring at a screen that was showing me something alive; something that couldn't be printed out on a sheet of paper, couldn't be captured unless you were actually standing there, staring at that tiny little heart, beating away at 165 beats per minute.

What in the world did I ever do to deserve this.

After another quick scan around the lady parts, we were assured that everything was progressing just as it should and measuring right on schedule. We were on our way to a very healthy pregnancy, and our possibility of miscarriage had just dropped to less than ten percent. I was given the green light to stop all shots and medications, ween myself off the dexamethasone and schedule an appointment with my regular OB like a normal, pregnant girl should.

But as I listened to Dr. Greene's instructions and congratulations, all I could think about was the picture I had taken in my mind of the second heart beating in my body, the quick, steady thump and whoosh sound strumming like a soundtrack to an old film.

We aren't out of the woods yet, it's still very early and we have a ways to go. I'm nervous about stopping my medicine after all this time, and I'm horrified that being a normal, pregnant girl means I won't get to see my baby again for a whole month at the OB office. But I'll just keep reminding myself that God brought us this far, and He has no intentions of leaving us hanging here alone.

He'll take care of us.

All three of us.

And in the meantime, I'll keep replaying that image over and over in my head, the solid proof that miracles really do manifest. One of them is in fact developing inside of me right now; forming limbs and organs, loosing it's little tail and looking less like a reptile and more like a little person every day.

And from the moment this little one enters into this world, he or she will know how extraordinary they are, and how amazing their life story really is. I hope there's never a day that passes that I don't praise God and glorify Him for this miracle, so full of gratitude for the opportunity to grow an answered prayer.

And a second heartbeat.

Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.
-Elizabeth Stone

14 comments:

Brittney said...

Wow, beautifully written. How scary to have bleeding! I'm so glad to hear everything is just perfect though - God is SO good, isn't He?:) I'm overjoyed for you. Can't wait to watch you experience this amazing journey!

Lisa said...

CONGRATS!!! I'm in Italy and I logged on just to see your update. I am so so so happy for you tab!!!

lparsons15 said...

Oh Tab..you have done so much to deserve this! I am so thrilled that this is happening for you guys! You have such a way with words..Congratulations!

Sarah said...

What a blessing! May you embrace and enjoy these 40 precious weeks...it really is such an amazing and special time!

RELH said...

: )

jessica56 said...

ohh Tab I am so happy that your ultrasound went well and you got to see your little baby's heartbeat! Just amazing!!!

Stephanie said...

My heart is so full, and happy for you. My family literally CHEERED aloud when I told them the news. I'm so full of joy for you, my friend and sister. Love you so much.

t.bird said...

oh- i'm all teary for you. seriously! i am so very excited for you guys! God is GOOD!!!!

i'm looking forward to following your ENTIRE pregnancy for the next 9 months.

<3

Jenni said...

So happy for you and your growing family...and soon to be growing belly! (c: What a blessing!

Life Happens said...

Seeing and hearing the heartbeat is the best sounds in the world! Enjoy those moments and many more to come!

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

i love this. thank you. you saw the flicker!

NotAChristian said...

I'm so glad you feel God has answered your prayers for a baby. My view is God is completely different from yours. I don't believe God is like Santa Claus where you ask for things, explain that you've been good and expect to receive them. But if it works for you and your family, so be it. Congratulations on your healthy pregnancy.

Tabitha said...

NotAChristian,
I think we are more simular that you think...because I don't think of God as Santa Claus either, answering all of our prayers just because we've been good and expect to get our way. I just know that God has a plan for everyone, and I am so greatful that He chose to allow me to cary this child, though I certainly don't deserve it; I'm not in any way perfect, that's for sure! Thank you for the congradulations though, and I'll be praying that someday you can come to know God the way that I do, and I also pray that you will be blessed in everything that you do!

mariam baurice said...

MY NAME IS Mariam Baurice FROM SOUTH AFRICA...I SAW THIS COMMENT ON POSITIVE BLOGS AND I WILL LOVE TO TELL EVERY BODY HOW MY STATUS CHANGES TO NEGATIVE, AND AM NOW A LIVING WITNESS OF IT AND I THINK ITS A SHAME ON ME IF I DON'T SHARE THIS LOVELY STORY WITH OTHER PEOPLE INFeCTED WITH THIS DEADLY VIRUS...,HIV HAS BEEN ONGOING IN MY FAMILY... I LOST BOTH PARENTS TO HIV,. AND IT IS SO MUCH PAIN IVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO GET OVER.. AS WE ALL KNOW MEDICALLY THERE IS NO SOLUTION TO IT..AND MEDICATION IS VERY EXPENSIVE..SO SOMEONE INTRODUCED ME TO A NATIVE MEDICAL PRACTITIONER IN AFRICA..I HAD A JOB THERE TO EXECUTE SO I TOOK TIME TO CHECK OUT ON HIM.I SHOWED HIM ALL MY TESTS AND RESULTS.. I WAS ALREADY DIAGNOSED WITH HIV AND IT WAS ALREADY TAKING ITS TOWL ON ME.. I HAD SPENT THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS SO I DECIDED TO TRY HIM OUT...I WAS ON HIS DOSAGE FOR 6MONTHS. ALTHOUGH I DIDNT BELIEVE IN IT, I WAS JUST TRYING IT OUT OF FRUSTRATION... AND AFTER 2 WEEKS, I WENT FOR NEW TESTS... AND YOU WONT BELIEVE THAT 5 DIFFERENT DOCTORS CONFIRMED IT THAT AM NEGATIVE..IT WAS LIKE A DREAM,,I NEVER BELIEVE AIDS HAS CURE..AM NOW NEGATIVE,,AM A LIVING WITNESS..I DONT KNOW HOW TO THANK THIS MAN... I JUST WANT TO HELP OTHERS IN ANY WAY I CAN..HAVE JOINED MANY FORUMS AND HAVE POSTED THIS TESTIMONIES AND ALOT OF PEOPLE HAS MAIL AND CALLED THIS MAN ON PHONE AND AFTER 2 WEEKS THEY ALL CONFIRMED NEGATIVE..BBC NEWS TOOK IT LIVE AND EVERY.. HOPE HE HELPS YOU OUT.. EVERYBODY SAW IT AND ITS NOW OUT IN PAPERS AND MAGAZINES THAT THERE'S NATIVE CURE FOR HIV AND ALL WITH THE HELP OF THIS MAN,,HAVE TRIED MY OWN PARTS AND ALL LEFT WITH YOU,,IF YOU LIKE TAKE IT OR NOT..GOD KNOWS HAVE TRIED MY BEST.ABOUT 97 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN CONFIRMED NEGATIVE THROUGH ME..AND THEY SEND MAILS TO THANKS ME AFTER THEY HAVE BEEN CONFIRMED NEGATIVE,,THIS MAN IS REAL..DON'T MISS THIS CHANCE,,HIV IS A DEADLY VIRUS,,GET RID OF IT NOW..
case there is anyone who has similar problem and still

looking for a way out, and he those cast all kind of spell like ::
Love Spells
Luck, Money Spells
Health, Well Being
Protection, Healing
Curses, Hex, Breakups
NEW! Combo Spells
High Priestess Spells
Vampire Spells
Authentic Voodoo Spells
Custom, Other Spells
Business spells
Health/Healing spells
Curse removal
Job spells
Healing from all kind of diseases
Love binding
Barrenness(need a child)
Need love
Lottery Spells
Promotions
Success
Money rituals
winning court case
Divorce spells
Low sperm count
Infertility in women
Breast enlargement/reduction
Penis enlargement/reduction
YOU CAN CONTACT HIM HERE AS (spirituallighthealing101@live.com) if you need any question contact me via here as mariambaurice@gmail.com