Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): The insomnia threatened on the side of the pill bottle came out in full force last night, but it was sort of a blessing in disguise after yesterdays endless complaints about exhaustion.
Right around nine o' clock sharp I received an unexpected second wind. After showering and reorganizing the bathroom, I headed out to watch some mindless reality shows and eat the newest after dark indulgence as requested by my dexamethasone cravings, of a bowl-or two-of cereal. But instead of winding itself down amidst my normal bedtime routine, my body decided that sleep was an absurd and unnecessary waste of precious time.
I've never used recreational drugs before, but I'm pretty sure I was operating as though I was snorting crack cocaine in large quantities; or maybe even speed.
I'm not sure what the difference is, really, or if there even is one.
Anyhow, even after having to force myself to lay quiet and motionless at the ungodly hour of one in the morning, I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed at six thirty on the dot. And believe me when I say that even after ten hours of sleep, bright eyed and bushy tailed are the last two adjectives I would use to describe myself on any given morning, so this was completely bizarre.
Bizarre, yet somehow productive.
Lupron (5units, subQ injection): Having teamed up with the tiny steroid pill, my lupron injection put me more on a high today then I've been in a long time. My sluggish movements and aching head were suddenly replaced with a frantically sleep deprived yet seemingly giddy individual, and I'm thinking that as always-just as I began to fall weakly under the pressures of my circumstances-God's grace and strength have been perfected again.
As I've taken the time to reflect back on this long journey, I've been amazed at His perfect timing over the last few days, months, even years. If I had my way, I never would have been infertile. I would have been pregnant just months after marriage with at least three children by now; and although that was always my dream, I'm finding myself thankful that God had other plans.
Without infertility, I wouldn't have been as grateful for the small yet brilliant things that fall into place all around me every day. I've been on my knees more in the last few years than I have been in my entire life, and God has made His presence known time and time again, weather I've chosen to recognize it or not. Without this thorn in the flesh, none of these much needed changes would have been possible.
I count myself blessed to be here, going through my fourth and final IVF. God's timing has always been nothing short of impeccable, and I'm filled with awestruck wonder at the way He is able to control even the smallest situations and place people and events right where they need to be in attempt to draw me closer to Him. And even when I'm in too much of a hurry to stop and recognize His hand in everything I do, He still sustains me and performs miracles on my behalf without ceasing.
And I feel strongly that this next cycle will be no exception, and He'll prove His sovereignty in ways my weary and medicated mind can't even begin to fathom; blessing me even more than He already has despite the circumstances.
And no matter the final outcome, His timing will be perfect.
He hath made every thing beautiful in His time...
Ecclesiastes 3:11 (KJV)
Thank you for all of the many times that You've intervened on my behalf, right on time. And forgive me for not taking the time I should to give You the praise and glory for Your numerous daily miracles, both great and small.
Remind me always that Your timing is in absolute perfection. Your plan will always be far better than the one I've created on my own timetable, so give me the wisdom to understand that You most certainly can-and absolutely will-make all things beautiful, someday.
“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”
-Henry Van Dyke