Friday, July 16, 2010

{Day 3} Rediscovering Thankfulness

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): It's amazing just a few days of this tiny little blue pill burrowing into my system can turn me into and eating machine.

And how suddenly-after several months of being frappachino free-all I can think about is that sugary poisen topped with whip cream and carmel drizzle.

Lupron (10units, subQ injection): Another almost perfect injection paired with a small bits and pieces of hope, excitement, worry, fear, anxiety, and a tiny bit of numbness made me thankful that my life is anything but boring.

I feel like I've been caught somewhere between ignoring the fact that we're on our final IVF-blocking out as many emotions as possible to ensure the safety of my damaged heart-and finding reasons to be thankful that I'm in the midst of this amazing miracle.

Despite our disappointment in finding ourselves so far gone into this mess of infertility, medical treatments and the possibility of never having our own biological family, I really am thankful for the opportunity given to me to be able to try, especially when there are so many others out there that don't have that same opportunity given to them.

It really makes my complaints about shots, steroid pills and cravings seem pointless.

Even if it is our fourth try, and I'm tired, broken hearted and somewhat permanently damaged by pieces of our past and the long, hard road we've been traveling on the way to our happy ending, I am still thankful. There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling all of the emotions that come along with the added hormones and crazy pills being pumped into my body on a daily basis, but it's imperative that I remember that I have been given an amazing chance to glorify God and possibly even get the pregnancy I've always wanted at the same time.

And if that's not a blessing, I don't know what is.

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
Philippians 4:6 (KJV)

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for allowing me to come freely to you with every need, every anxious request that I hold in my heart. You already know every single one of my deepest desires, but I know You take joy in me coming to You daily to share them with You so that You can calm my anxious heart and remind me that You are always available to listen if I'm only willing to come to You in prayer.

Thank You for never tiring of hearing my pleas, and for reminding me to not only come to You as often as necessary with my every worry, but to also take joy in the many blessings I've been given; coming to You in the very same desperate, pleading prayer with plenty of thanksgiving, too.


“We are often slower to recognize blessings than evils.”
-Titus Livy


WantWait&Pray said...

YAY! I am following you daily and praying like crazy. There is a baby boom happening right now with a lot of pregnancy announcments and yours is next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can not wait!

A.E. said...

Tab, PLEASE accept my apology for not seeing your previous two posts. When I got home tonight I was thinking about you and wondering if it was time yet for you to start meds. Lo and behold, I checked your blog and BAM!'s here. You have a partner in this EVERY DAY you are at the top of my list. I love you, dear friend. May the peace He give you surpass all understanding.

Robin said...

Oh Lord please hold my dear friend tight in Your arms. Speak to her, comfort her and guide her along the path You planned for her precious life before You created the heavens. You are the author of all life and I pray for the little lives that will be created through this process. You provided and orchestrated every move including the lives of her future children. We praise You and worship You. You are the great I am and we are humbled by Your love for us.