Monday, July 26, 2010

{Day 13} Sharing The Love

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I know I claimed to have the willpower to stay off the scale, but it's just too much a part of my routine to completely disregard. So I still stepped, but more so for documentation than for the vain glory of watching the number drop to a more desirable outcome.

Organic green tea is attempting to replace Ben & Jerry's, and Doritos are no longer allowed in our home; so in implementing those two changes, I should be good to go even though the stim medication that begins tomorrow will begin to rob me of my comfort, causing a reduction in workouts.

Lupron (5units, subQ injection): These shots are still going smoothly. So smoothly, in fact, that I really have nothing quirky or quick witted to comment about; which may be part of the reason I skipped the last two days of documenting this glorious process.

I think it may be part of my my learning-to-let-go phase really, fighting to go with the flow and not against it. But it still drives me bananas that I didn't write a post on Saturday or Sunday, and it saddens the perfectionist in me that I won't be able to look back at a complete, day by day play book of how this cycle went down. I debated my options in my head over and over again, contemplating writing the posts late and still publishing them, but that just seemed so forced and it pretty much defeated the purpose.

And it was sort of nice to break out of my usual obsessive compulsive behaviour, to try my patience with myself in areas that I feel like I fail because I just can't keep up with. I still plan on documenting this process to the fullest of my ability, and as the next few days come into play it will definitely get more eventful, but for now it was nice to just have a break to stop and think, without having to come up with a post title or quote at the end.

And think, I did.

As I spoke with on of my favorite customers at work today about my infertility and how it's affected my life, I was reminded that everything happens for a reason. I know how often I repeat that God has a plan and He knows best, and that I truly am thankful for all infertility has taught me, but today I realized that my trials and tribulations are not always just my own.

Everything I go through-infertility related or otherwise-is an opportunity to share God's love with someone.

I often feel guilty for being a child of God, saved by His grace, yet seemingly unwilling to share the gospel with the world. Knowing that I should be out there, spreading the story of Jesus and how He died for us so that we wouldn't have to fear death and hell, but I've never been one to shout about it from the rooftops for fear of rejection, among other things.

But my story-my infertility-can be my witness.

I'm experiencing something difficult. Something frustrating, mentally and physically exhausting, and emotionally draining. But through this blog, and through the conversations with people that I encounter on a daily basis, I'm given an opportunity to share Christ by showing the love and strength that He gives, enabling me to make it though these trials.

I'm often complemented on how well I'm holding up, praised for how strong I am and told how amazing my attitude is; but the truth is that I'm not these things. I'm weak, imperfect, broken and-more often than not-faithless. But God is made perfect in my weakness, and I know that if I try my best to glorify Him in every situation, He is able to heal my infirmities and lead me right where I need to be.

I've always considered infertility as a blessing because it's helped change me, mold me and grow me into a better individual and a more competent future mother. But the truth is, I've always desired an answer to why I'm really here, experiencing infertility, unable to escape.

And I think I've found one of them.

Because even if this cycle doesn't result in the pregnancy I've wanted for so long now, God may simply have intentions to use me to help someone else.

Maybe God knew that I wouldn't be the most comfortable spreading the gospel in a more traditional form, but He knew that I'd be able to write a blog that would attract someone who needed to hear something He had laid on my heart. Or maybe He knew that I'd meet people every day on my job, individuals who would ask if I had any children, opening up doors for me to share my story and how I'm dealing with it by trusting in God to take care of me.

Everyone has something in their life that they have trouble dealing with. We all face trials and tribulations of a drastic nature, and I always find comfort in knowing that my situation could be worse. But these past few days have really put things into perspective for me, and I just feel like God really has something amazing planned for my life. Right now, I'm praying that I become a mother, and that my husband and I have the family we've waited so long for; but I have to accept that God my very well have other plans.

So in the meantime, while I'm stuck here on this bumpy road, I may as well glorify God and do my best to share His love with others while I still have the chance. Not everyone can empathise with infertility or even fully understand the depth of it, but if I can show someone-anyone-that God can give you what you need if you just trust Him, then maybe this journey will have been worth it in the end.

Whether I'm blessed with a baby, or not.

Because in the end, it's really not about me. My desire should be to tell others about Jesus, to strive to be like Him and to share Him and His love with the world. And without infertility, I may never have been able to do anything with my life that would have shown the example that infertility has given me the chance to display. And while I'm certainly not perfect, and most of the time I probably do more damage than good as a child of God, it's still an opportunity that I have to share Him with everyone that I come into contact with.

So now, among other things like desperately attempting to become impregnated, I'm on a mission to spread the love anyway I can. I'll think twice about being rude to the nurse who can't find my vein, have more patience with the doctor who won't email me back, and sympathize more for others going through physically demanding situations. And while I may not be good at walking around the mall and asking everyone I come in contact with if they have a personal relationship with Jesus, I'm still more than capable of using my story in attempt to come to the same end result.

And if He chooses to bless me with a child in the process, I'll make sure my pregnancy is used as another example of His miraculous grace; because pregnant or not, I am blessed.

And it's time to share the love.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (KJV)

Dear Heavenly Father,

Just like Paul, You've given me a "thorn in the flesh", and just like Paul, I've asked for it to be removed over and over again. But just as You told him so long ago, I'm reminded in this verse that Your grace is enough for me, too.

I know You won't give me anything I can't handle, so please help me to learn to praise You in my infertility, and to be thankful that when I'm weak, You are strong. Give me the wisdom I need to share Your love with others through this trial, and the grace to allow You to work miracles in my life for the world to see,


"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."


Hillary said...


Kelli said...

Love your humility and desire to praise God in this storm and throughout life. You are a rock and I so admire you. Many prayers that this is the one! xoxo

Robin said...

What a beautiful post! Love you!!!

A said...

I love this post :) I also am grateful for IF because I think it has changed me for the better, even though there are days when I don't want to admit/acknowledge that. And on the hardest of days, I try to remind myself that I don't know who's watching and seeing how I will respond to tragedy and disappointment- specifically how I, as a person who they know is a Christian, allows my beliefs to pull me through anything.

A.E. said...

His strength is made perfect in weakness.
Thank you for every word of this. You've got a gift.