Shot of Hope

Monday, 1-4-10 (Day 6)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I did it.

I took the first step to recovery from my recent addiction today and purchased a very soothing leaf patterned yoga mat instead of a frappachino.

I can't drink it, but it sure looks good.

Lupron (5units, subQ injection): My dose dropped down from 10units to 5units this morning, and I'm excited to hopefully rid myself of the sleep deprivation that's been haunting me for the last few nights.

Tuesday, 1-5-10 (Day 7)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I still haven't used the new yoga mat yet, but I have completed my second day in a row of at least twenty minutes of brisk walking.

It's amazing how wonderful I feel when warm blood is pumping through my body in the cold winter air. It really clears my head and gives me a chance to look around at the sights, sounds, and smells of everything that God's created, and to know that if He can make all of this in less than seven days, He can make me a baby easily; if it's in His will to do so.

It's truly breathtaking.

Lupron (5units, subQ injection): It's been a whole week of these injections and I've experienced very minimal bleeding and absolutely no bruising so far. The few side effects I've been plagued with are no longer in sight, and I'm feeling good.

Really good.

Wednesday, 1-6-10 (Day 8)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): The yoga mat that's setting unused, rolled up in the corner of my living room floor isn't doing anything to defer my cravings.

They're getting worse.

Tonight, as I sat down on the couch and spread out my turkey and cheese Lunchable, 60 calorie pudding cup, bag of Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish, celery sticks filled with cream cheese and my bottle of Minute Maid Blueberry Pomegranate juice, my husband asked me if I thought the little steroid pill was really causing my cravings, or if there was any possibility this was all just in my head.

I didn't know what to say, so I just shot him the dirtiest look I could manage without interrupting my feeding frenzy. He stayed pretty quite about it for the rest of the night, but I could still see him evaluating me out of the corner of his eye every once in a while; silently judging me and my untamed appetite as I indulged.

It didn't help that we were watching The Biggest Loser, either.

Lupron (5units, subQ injection): Everything is going so smoothly. I'm not stressed, worried, or obsessive about the process or it's ending result-possibly because I finally let God take control, or maybe because I know we purchased a two cycle plan so I still have a shot even if this time doesn't work-but either way, it's so very nice.

No restrictions, no scales, no worries.

Just hope.

“In all things it is better to hope than to despair”

-Johann Wolfgang