Friday, October 16, 2009

One Shot Deal

Wednesday, 10-14-09 (Day 29) 1dp5dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I'm eating like a bird during the day, and hogging like a heifer at night.

You know it's bad when you use a pig and cow in the same description.

Ciprofloxacin (500mg, oral pill): Still swallowing these big guys, two a day. One in the am, and one in the pm.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): If only it were appropriate to take a picture of my behind and post it for the world to see, then maybe you'd all feel my pain.

Progesterone (50mg suppositories): I know I'm all about the honest daily documentation of all things IVF, but recording this one is going to have to remain a one shot deal.

These rocket shaped suppositories have to be inserted vaginally every night for the next thirty days, and I just can't imagine what in the world I'd be able to write about that wouldn't be borderline inappropriate about something this messy, that's going into such a private place, for such a long period of time.

So I'll spare you the details that you really don't want to hear anyway.

1dp5dt: At one day past a 5 day transfer, a blast is expected to hatch out of it's shell.

Freeze Report: I never received a call letting me know if any of our remaining pumpkins made it to freeze, so I'm praying that no news is still good news.

Thursday, 10-15-09 (Day 30) 2dp5dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Since I'm treating my body like it's already pregnant, I'm trying my best to only eat what I want the life inside of me to be eating, and I'm finding it a lot easier to be held accountable for good food choices when your feeding more than just yourself.

Ciprofloxacin (500mg, oral pill): Still taking them.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): Still getting shot.

2dp5dt: At 2 days past a 5 day transfer, a blastocyst is expected to attach to a site on the uterine lining.

Freeze Report: After sending numerous e-mails regarding the state of my precious remaining pumpkins, I was finally informed that none of our left over little ones reached a freezable state.

I'm saddened because I feel like they were already my children and I'll never get to know them. But I have to trust that God will take good care of each one of them, and I'm praying even harder for the life that's inside of me now.

Friday, 10-16-09 (Day 31) 3dp5dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I found a new recipe for some delicious oatmeal pumpkin chocolate chip cookies today, and immediately ran to the store to purchase the ingredients for a double batch of them.

It's OK because they're pumpkin, guys.

Ciprofloxacin (500mg, oral pill): Only one more day. After tomorrow I'll be back to where I started, with only one pill a day.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): Amidst all the complaining about the array of pills I'm taking, I've forgotten to acknowledge how very nice it is to only be receiving one shot a day.

3dp5dt: At 3 days past a 5 day transfer, implantation should begin as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining.

With the completion of the majority of my meds, the feelings of sickness, nausea, bloating, and headaches are slowly subsiding, and my previous belly bruises are almost completely faded. The worry and fear have also mellowed as the stressful wait for follicle counts, retrieval dates, fertilization reports, embryo statuses and transfer day have all passed.

On the day of the transfer, all I could think about was the life inside of me. I just knew this would work, and I was praising God all day long for the blessing of being able to make it this far, no matter what the outcome. And now, at a mere 3 days past transfer, I find myself forgetting to pray and thank God for the miracle of what's inside of me.

Because it may not last, and today should be a day of celebration. These precious few days I have left with the innocence of assuming I'm pregnant are ticking away faster then I ever imagined, and I don't want the joy I feel or the attachment I have to the life inside of me to fade away.

I'm spending more time dreading next weeks test then looking forward to it. I'm not in a huge hurry for next Wednesday to come, because in my mind I'll remain pregnant until something tells me otherwise; and I'm trying so hard not to think about that. I want to enjoy today, this very minute, and praise God for the blessing of this entire journey, no matter the outcome next week. I don't want to forget that I'm pregnant today, and I don't want to loose hope that I'll continue to be pregnant tomorrow.

And for the next nine months.

Because I've done my part, and the rest is up to God. There is nothing more I can do than to pray and give everything to the Lord, allowing Him to turn my fear of the unknown into joy and praise for the blessings I have already experienced. This cycle has been full of ups and downs, but our prayers have been answered with miracles and I know that people are continuing to pray fervently for more miracles of the pumpkin variety.

And for that, I am grateful.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
-Melody Beattie


Anonymous said...

Um...not only are they pumpkin, they're oatmeal...your welcome ;)

Positive thoughts your way!!!

Brittney said...

You have such a way with words, Tabitha - your beautiful post so moved me.

Continuing to pray for your precious pumpkins, and for your BFP. You made it past all the hard parts!:) CONGRATS. Relax and enjoy the next week - you deserve it...

Looking forward to your next post:)

Rachel said...

I love keeping up with your through your posting.

t.bird said...

fingers crossed...

Nicole said...

The fact that there is nothing more you can do is both unsettling and reassuring, isn't it?
I'm trying to think of some advice or "words of wisdom" to share, but it seeems like you always have a lock on that. I think you offer much more encouragement than you receive through your posting, which is why so many people love following your journey.
I'm sorry that your leftover pumpkins didn't make it to freeze. But like I've said before, I have a good feeling about this one for you! I sure hope I'm right! :)
Wishing you peace in your 2ww

WantWait&Pray said...

Please text or email if you have any news...I thought about you all weekend!

Beautiful post....and SO MUCH of what you wrote is exactly where I was at waiting for my results. And in a way, exactly where I'm at today. I'm finding it hard to experience joy because in a matter of days we will finally see, God willing, the heartbeats or we will not. So, today I am pregnant still and I'm praying that my fear of the unknown is covered with His grace and joyful blessings of what has already been given to us. Love ya! My prayers are with you!

Tim and Heather said...

I hated the waiting part, too. I kept going back and forth between hoping and trying to talk myself into thinking I wasn't pregnant so I didn't have my hopes up too much. You're already being a great mommy, though- those cookies sound amazing!

Those suppositories are disgusting. I couldn't wait to stop taking them, but they're a means to a good end. :p I never got a report on my frozen embies either- I guess no news is good news! I'll keep my fingers crossed and lots of prayers for you. I'm looking forward to your news this week!

Sumer said...

I love reading your blog - you always make me laugh and know what I am going through!

You got an award!! Check out my blog!!

Nicole said...

You've received an award!

Michele said...

Praying for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!