Keep On Shooting

Saturday, 10-17-09 (Day 32) 4dp5dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I remember the days when my only concern was how much weight I was gaining from this little pill.

Now all I want to do is get fat; really pregnant fat.

Ciprofloxacin (500mg, oral pill): Last one, praise the Lord!

PIO (1ml, IM injection): Tonight, I showed off my behind bruises to a few choice friends.

I'm pretty sure they were impressed.

4dp5dt-At four days past a 5 day transfer, the implantation process should continue as the morula buries deeper in the lining.

Sunday, 10-18-09 (Day 33) 5dp5dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): You'd think that after more than a month straight of taking these, I wouldn't forget to take them anymore.

But I still do.

And I'm blaming it on pregnancy brain.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): The heating pad is my friend. When placed on my backside after an injection and left on for about an hour, it completely stops the muscle soreness that I would normally experience the following day.

5dp5dt-At 5 days past a 5 day transfer, the morula should be completely implanted in the lining, and has placenta and fetal cells.

Monday, 10-19-09 (Day 34) 6dp5dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I don't think these ever really affected my appetite after all. Now that all of my other pills and shots are complete, I no longer have headaches, crazy cravings or fatigue.

PIO (1ml, IM injection):Now if only I could find something to stop the bruising, I'd be set.

6dp5dt-At 6 days past a 5 day transfer, the placenta cells should begin to secret HCG in the blood.

I had full intentions of testing for that precious HCG this morning, but when I woke up to see some pinkish red blood mixed in with the nastiness of last nights PIO suppository residue, I chickened out.

I'm not going to lie; I'm pretty scared, and desperation has set in.

I have the reassurance from fellow IVFers and my doctor that some light bleeding can be completely normal. I also know that I serve a God that is the creator of life, and He is hearing the prayers that are going up today; He is more than capable of perfoming a miracle on our behalf.

But that doesn't mean that just because He can, He will.

Tuesday, 10-20-09 (Day 35) 7dp5dt

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): It's probably just stress and nerves, but my appetite for regular food is pretty much non-existent.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): As much of an inconvienience and bruise maker this shot is, I'm praying that tonight won't be my last one.

7dp5dt-At 7 days past a 5 day transfer, more HCG is produced as the fetus develops.

I was really hoping not to find any scary pinkish-red discharge this morning, but that's exactly what I found. My heart immediately dropped as I realized I was destined yet again to spend the day chugging water and checking my panties for spotting.

Just like yesterday, the majority of the pinkish-red discharge found it's way out early this morning, with just a few episodes of a bit of pink residue on the toilet paper throughout the rest of the day. My doctor asked me not to look to far into the situation, because it's not a full flow and therefore could simply be vaginal irritation brought on by my suppositories, but I know it could also be much more.

Part of me wants to give up now and be realistic-seeing fresh blood is never a good thing-but there is still another piece of my heart that just can't let go of hoping this is our time, no matter how hard I try. I'm still struggling to hold on to the possiblity of a positive outcome, but somewhere deep inside I still feel peace.

I'm hoping this is just another bump in the road to show how powerful God and prayer can be when overcoming the odds seem utterly impossible. And until my beta tomorrow comes and puts an end to this strenuous waiting game, I'll keep doing the only thing I know how.

I'll just keep shooting.

"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose."

-Tom Krause