Fertilization Report {Part II}

Friday, 10-9-09 (Day 24)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I'm so bloated and swollen right now, I can't even imagine how I complained about my little pooch before all of this.

I couldn't suck it in even if I tried.

Ciprofloxacin (500mg, oral pill): This big guy makes me sick to my stomach, but so does the stress associated with IVF, so it's not the only culprit.

Dostinex (.5mg, oral pill): I'm not in quite as much pain as I was after the retrieval last time, I haven't even taken any pain meds or Tylenol yet. I'm pretty sure this little pill, and it's hormone regulating powers are to thank for that.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): Even though it's the big one, it's my only shot left, and for that I'm grateful.

Clindamycin (150mg vaginal suppository): Tonight was my last one, praise the Lord.

Fertilization Report: Of the 22 eggs retrieved yesterday, they were able to performed ICSI on 7 of them (where they take an individual sperm and shoot it directly into the egg). As of today, 5 are fertilized and doing "well" and 1 is still being watched for possible fertilization.

One one side of the equation, 5-possibly 6-embryos out of 22 retrieved eggs seems pretty unsatisfactory. But on the other hand, it's far better than the 2 embryos we had to work with last time, especially since they were made presumably from only slightly mature eggs.

I was sick to my stomach all morning-partially from the pain of retrieval but mostly from nerves-waiting for the fertilization phone call. Last time I was woken at 8am by the call, this time I had to wait until after lunch time to receive it, and the anticipation was almost more than I could bare. The worst part was that after the phone call was complete, I couldn't decided if I was happy or sad.

And then I felt horrible.

Absolutely terrible.

Because I was more upset about the lack of mature eggs and fertilized embryos than I was grateful for the 5-possibly 6-precious pumpkins that I had. I wanted to be extremely excited, but all I could feel was a numbness that was quickly replaced by a fear that still hasn't gone away.

God always has been and still is in control; I know this. But the blinding anticipation of waiting until Sunday to hear how my precious little ones are growing is enough to drive me insane with completely unnecessary worry and fear.

These precious embryos could very well all grow and thrive and divide cells, and I really have no reason to believe otherwise. Except the fact that last time, they didn't. Neither of my two fertilized embryos made it past 3 cells, and that falls far short of the 8 they are expected to be on day three. So how am I to believe that this time will be any different?

In my head exists a jumble of emotions, mixed with desperation and a tiny bit of hope. I'm slightly upset that less than a third of our eggs were mature again, because I always had the nagging feeling that we should have waited longer this time. I'm disappointed in myself for struggling so hard to hold onto faith and believe that trusting in God is all I can-and should-do at this point. I'm tired of feeling sick to my stomach over these precious little embryos that I can't help but worry about, and I'm ashamed to be so selfish as to complain about something that could very well be the answers to our prayers.

But deep down, I still have the unwavering hope that I'm trying so desperately to hold onto. No matter the outcome of this cycle, I still have my God, my husband, my family and my friends.

And as of right now, 5 little pumpkins.

"I can complain because rosebushes have thorns, or I can rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."

- Author Unknown