Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Left Behind

Today I arrived at work and started my morning ritual, logging into my blog to check my blog list. And suddenly I felt left behind.

Over the last few weeks I've watched my I'm Not Alone list dwindle down, and my Proof It Can Be Done list grow steadily. I've been struggling to find new blogs to re-fill my rapidly shrinking section, but it seems like every time I add one, I loose another. Then today, as I switched over some new mommy's to the other side, one of the blogs that I've read since we started TTC called Maybe Baby caught my eye. As I opened up Jill's blog to read her latest post, I teared up reading her birth story and looking at the pictures of her precious new baby girl Ava...and then it hit me. A year and a half ago I started reading 3 blogs that I fell in love with about these girls struggling with infertility. Out of those 3 original blogs, Jill has had her baby, Rachel is due next week, and Bev has just under 8 weeks to go. And suddenly I panicked, realizing that after all this time I haven't even had a pregnancy and they're all delivering theirs.

And then I realize something else. None of these girls have had an easy road. It's not like they were only on my blog list for a few months before they moved onto my success list; each of them had already spent 2 to 3 years TTC before they ever achieved a pregnancy. Jill struggled with PCOS, Rachel with MFI, and Bev with Unexplained Infertility before God finally blessed them with their miracles through IUI & IVF. They felt the same pain that I feel. They moved girls down the line on their own blog lists, wondering when it would be their turn to move to the Proof It Can Be Done list.

So here I am today, just a few months short of two years of TTC, still feeling left behind. And I'm pretty sure it's only natural that I'll continue to feel left behind as I move blogs on down the line. But luckily I'll be OK, knowing that even though today leaves me feeling left behind, tomorrow holds hope of a better day to come. Someday, I won't feel left behind. Someday, I plan on becoming my own success story, and I'll move forward on someone else's blog list.

Someday.

"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow."
-Orison Swett Marden

7 comments:

Jennifer said...

Tab, you have me in tears. I know that God has it in His plan for you to be a mother. Struggling with IF is so stressful and only women who have been through the endless testing and upsets can know that. You're in my prayers every day and I will always be checking in with you. Have you heard back from the RE?

WantWait&Pray said...

Hi hun...I am still here. And I know the feelings that you type about all too well. I know of two girls that I connected with when first TTC and they are both pregnant with baby #2. Ugh! With this failed IVF cycle...the real fear set in. I have been really disappointed, jealous, and so sad about our infertility but not scared because I believed that God would make us parents. This failed IVF caused a huge jolt- but I need to quit overthinking things and remember that God hears our prayers and wants our hearts and our heads to turn to him in times like these and remember that he will provide. My thoughts are with you!

RDgirl said...

We may be a small crew on your 'not alone list' but we are still there with you. Remember that God knew His plans for your life before you were even born. That is how much He loves us!
- Jeremiah 29:11

Jennifer said...

I think you are making a great decision about talking to an RE about the SA results. Justin had his initial SA done through his primary dr and when I took them to my RE, she was not happy with the numbers so she referred him to a urologist. When he took the SA results to a urologist, he was told that the lab that ran the test did not specifically run a fertility test and it was inconclusive. After several repeat SAs with the urologist, it was determined that the numbers weren't terrible...his count was a low, but his volume was above normal which made it perfect for IUIs. I pray that you and your husband find some answers soon.

JackieMac said...

You are not alone - I am always trying to update my blog list because so many girls are getting pregnant and I am not - I have been on the nest over a year now and many of the girls I have started with are now having their babies - I wish it was us too. I also cried when I saw Jill's baby Ava - she is just so beautiful and they make such a happy family - I to hope to have that one day soon. I hope that for you as well - we are going to get there - it is going to happen for us.

jessica56 said...

I know how you feel- sometimes you can't help but feel left in the dust. But I know that your BFP is out there- and mine too! We just have to continue to wait and I know it will be worth it!

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

hi! i just came across your blog and it seems like we have a few things in common. i have also been trying for close to two years, with no luck. and we also have unexplained infertility. having no known problems is the most frustrating part!

i am hoping you will soon be proof there is hope. :-)