Last Year

About this time last year I was throwing my little sister her first baby shower. I remember being so incredibly happy for her, but a little saddened by the fact that I still wasn't pregnant, especially since her shower was full of pregnant bellies mocking me the entire time.

Fast forward a year later; to my sisters second surprise baby shower hosted again by yours truly and our mother. And inevitably, 32% of the guest list is sporting way cute rounded tummies.

But this year there are two big differences. The first one:

63% of the guest list were also new mommies, and most of them brought their bundles of joy with them, making it look more like a daycare center than a baby shower! And if you can get past these unflattering pictures of me looking like a blue blob and not sitting like a lady, you'll see the second difference:

I loved every minute of it.

I'm not implying that I didn't have a good time last year, because I did. But I think I was stuck in the beginning stages of denial, refusing to believe that I could actually be infertile. At the time we'd been trying for just under a year, and I was determined to get pregnant before that defining one year mark. And let me tell you; ignorance is not bliss. At least it wasn't for me. Watching all of the pregnant bellies at the shower last year was-at times-absolute torture. I felt completely left out of conversations about pregnancy symptoms, crazy cravings, nursery decor, and labor classes.

So what's changed between last year and this years baby shower? I don't really know. You'd think I'd have had an even harder time this year, but that just wasn't the case. Not only were there the ever-present pregnant bellies, but also an army of new babies as the result of last years pregnant bellies. And instead of pushing the one year mark, I'm now looking at almost 2 years of unproductive baby making, with two failed IUI's under my belt instead of a growing belly. And of course instead of holding my own baby in my arms, I'm holding everyone elses.

Yet I'm still happier than I've ever been. Even before infertility.

Maybe I'm just over it. Not over wanting a baby of course, but over the poor-me aspect of it all. Maybe it's the lack of fear of being considered "infertile" after hitting the one year mark since I'm about to lap it, just like my sister is about to lap me with baby numero dose.

Either way, I'm counting my blessings. I'm happy, healthy, been given more than I deserve and have the most amazing family and friends ever. I have a brand new nephew on the way, and I'm going to be an Auntie all over again. And although being a mommy is still at the top of my to-do list, I'm done wasting time worrying about what could have been/should have been.

I'd rather focus on what will be.

"This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson