God works in mysterious ways that I may never understand.
Wonderful, miraculous, unexplainable ways.
This morning, I woke up and decided it was time to clean up all of our IVF things. As I readied myself for work, I took the time to place our embryo pictures back in the drawer, shove the rest of the meds and needles into the closet, and even pulled out my thank you cards to send out to everyone who prayed fervently for us.
I spoke with God on the way to work, asking Him to continue to give us the grace and strength to move on, and to guide our next steps and give us wisdom as we continued on to our FET cycle. And as I sat at my desk a little while later, I began to make a list of all the questions I needed to convert into an email to send to Dr. Greene, seeking as many answers as possible to ease our mind about this chemical pregnancy and everything surrounding it.
Because that's the only way I know how to deal, OCD style.
But before I could transfer my sticky notepad full of scribbled words into a full email, my phone rang. It was SIRM, presumably calling me to set up a phone consult concerning the FET, and saving me the trouble of constructing an extremely long email that would probably have frustrated me anyway and brought up tears that still hadn't found their way out yet.
But my assumptions were wrong. The nurse wasn't calling me to set up a phone consult, she was calling to tell me that the lab had left a message on her phone explaining how they had messed up our second beta results on Saturday and were going to have to run them again, just in case.
And before I could stop it, hope crept in.
Then it faded just as quickly as it appeared as I realized I had already began spotting heavily, an I knew the original negative beta just had to be correct. Besides that, I was just mentally and physically exhausted, and had finally found peace with this chemical pregnancy. I was grateful to have been pregnant, thankful for the opportunity, but so incredibly ready to just move forward and see what God had in store for us next.
Little did I know that what God had in store for us next was yet another miracle.
My beta was in fact not negative on Saturday, it had more than doubled-it had tripled-and then some. But as the excitement hit, so did the fear, born mostly from the realization that I'd been starving my body of the necessary hormones and medication that was so vital during this stage of and IVF pregnancy for the last forty-eight hours. Was my current spotting a result of a possible chemical pregnancy-again-or the result of a lack of PIO shots? I was in fact pregnant on Saturday, but was I sill pregnant today? And although thirty seven was a tripled number, wasn't it still low for a beta at fifteen days past ovulation?
I had to stop myself before I went crazy, and instead soak up the fact that God had shown favor on us, and was blessing us with this new possibility. And if this new life that was still growing in me on Saturday was in His will, there was no stopping it; the lack of medicine, major spotting, or any other obstacle would never get in the way of His plan coming to pass.
Within minutes I was faxed over another lab slip for a beta blood draw and had rushed over to the nearest LabCorp to end this madness once and for all. Then I had my father stop by my house to pick up my bag of meds that had been shoved in the closet, and had my mother come to give me a much needed PIO shot after I quickly applied estrogen patches, praying I hadn't done any damage to the unborn life that could very well still be growing inside of me.
And just a few short hours and a million prayers later, we were given our third beta number.
I was told not to stress over the spotting, continue with my meds and wait for an email tomorrow that would schedule my first ultrasound. And even though it made me nervous, the nurse told me I also wouldn't be needing any more betas, the tripling numbers were enough for information for them.
It was all so surreal; like I was on the outside looking in. I suppose I'd feel the same way if someone told me that I had just won a million dollars after filling for bankruptcy. This morning, I was coping with a chemical pregnancy that I had finally come to accept, but this afternoon I was rejoicing for the blessing still growing inside of me.
And God had this planned all along.
He knew they would mess up my beta and give us the negative results when our real number had in fact tripled, and He knew we would be devastated. But maybe He was waiting to see how we'd react after receiving the news. Maybe it was all just a test that He was giving us, one to teach us even more patience and endurance to prepare us for difficult times that may lie ahead.
Either way, I wouldn't change a single second of the last forty-eight hours.
I hope that God continues to grow this life inside, and that our story will bring hope and peace to so many others out there that are struggling with infertility, loss, or any other trial and tribulation that life brings. We serve an awesome God who is capable of anything, and He's shown us today that He truly has no limits, He hears our prayers, He is faithful, merciful, and still just as capable of miracles today as He was over a thousand years ago.
We are still cautiously optimistic and will continue to be until we see a healthy heartbeat or two on that fuzzy black screen that has only brought us pictures of growing follicles and plump linings in the past, because we know that although we've experienced a true miracle today, God may not choose to allow this pregnancy to continue. He may have already proven Himself and shown us His power and glory, and it may not be in His will for this blessing to continue.
But no matter what happens, we will still praise Him, giving Him all the glory. Because it wasn't the acupuncture, the medicine, the yoga or the doctors that made this possible; they were merely tools He used to bring this to pass. God heard the prayers we've all been sending up for the last three and a half years, and He chose to answer them in His time, not ours.
And as always, His timing is perfect, His ways are perfect.
I can feel God working, and I suspect He hasn't shown us everything quite yet. I'm still trying to grasp the full effect of what has taken place here today, ashamed to be so amazed by what He's done for us when I knew He was capable of this all along. I feel humbled to be a part of this experience, and I'm so excited to start this new journey and to continue glorify Him for the many more miracles that He has in store for us and for this new life; waiting and watching for Him to continue to blow us away.
I'm so unworthy of this gift. So undeserving of this latest miracle. So in awe of God and how He continues to work in my life despite my stubborn, selfish ways, choosing to show His power and glory through my very own broken story in a way that can only be described as miraculous.
Thank you God, for this precious gift.
Monday, August 23, 2010
God works in mysterious ways that I may never understand.
Posted by Tabitha at 8:05 PM