Monday, August 23, 2010

One More Miracle

God works in mysterious ways that I may never understand.

Wonderful, miraculous, unexplainable ways.

This morning, I woke up and decided it was time to clean up all of our IVF things. As I readied myself for work, I took the time to place our embryo pictures back in the drawer, shove the rest of the meds and needles into the closet, and even pulled out my thank you cards to send out to everyone who prayed fervently for us.

I spoke with God on the way to work, asking Him to continue to give us the grace and strength to move on, and to guide our next steps and give us wisdom as we continued on to our FET cycle. And as I sat at my desk a little while later, I began to make a list of all the questions I needed to convert into an email to send to Dr. Greene, seeking as many answers as possible to ease our mind about this chemical pregnancy and everything surrounding it.

Because that's the only way I know how to deal, OCD style.

But before I could transfer my sticky notepad full of scribbled words into a full email, my phone rang. It was SIRM, presumably calling me to set up a phone consult concerning the FET, and saving me the trouble of constructing an extremely long email that would probably have frustrated me anyway and brought up tears that still hadn't found their way out yet.

But my assumptions were wrong. The nurse wasn't calling me to set up a phone consult, she was calling to tell me that the lab had left a message on her phone explaining how they had messed up our second beta results on Saturday and were going to have to run them again, just in case.

And before I could stop it, hope crept in.

Then it faded just as quickly as it appeared as I realized I had already began spotting heavily, an I knew the original negative beta just had to be correct. Besides that, I was just mentally and physically exhausted, and had finally found peace with this chemical pregnancy. I was grateful to have been pregnant, thankful for the opportunity, but so incredibly ready to just move forward and see what God had in store for us next.

Little did I know that what God had in store for us next was yet another miracle.


My beta was in fact not negative on Saturday, it had more than doubled-it had tripled-and then some. But as the excitement hit, so did the fear, born mostly from the realization that I'd been starving my body of the necessary hormones and medication that was so vital during this stage of and IVF pregnancy for the last forty-eight hours. Was my current spotting a result of a possible chemical pregnancy-again-or the result of a lack of PIO shots? I was in fact pregnant on Saturday, but was I sill pregnant today? And although thirty seven was a tripled number, wasn't it still low for a beta at fifteen days past ovulation?

I had to stop myself before I went crazy, and instead soak up the fact that God had shown favor on us, and was blessing us with this new possibility. And if this new life that was still growing in me on Saturday was in His will, there was no stopping it; the lack of medicine, major spotting, or any other obstacle would never get in the way of His plan coming to pass.

Within minutes I was faxed over another lab slip for a beta blood draw and had rushed over to the nearest LabCorp to end this madness once and for all. Then I had my father stop by my house to pick up my bag of meds that had been shoved in the closet, and had my mother come to give me a much needed PIO shot after I quickly applied estrogen patches, praying I hadn't done any damage to the unborn life that could very well still be growing inside of me.

And just a few short hours and a million prayers later, we were given our third beta number.


I was told not to stress over the spotting, continue with my meds and wait for an email tomorrow that would schedule my first ultrasound. And even though it made me nervous, the nurse told me I also wouldn't be needing any more betas, the tripling numbers were enough for information for them.

It was all so surreal; like I was on the outside looking in. I suppose I'd feel the same way if someone told me that I had just won a million dollars after filling for bankruptcy. This morning, I was coping with a chemical pregnancy that I had finally come to accept, but this afternoon I was rejoicing for the blessing still growing inside of me.

And God had this planned all along.

He knew they would mess up my beta and give us the negative results when our real number had in fact tripled, and He knew we would be devastated. But maybe He was waiting to see how we'd react after receiving the news. Maybe it was all just a test that He was giving us, one to teach us even more patience and endurance to prepare us for difficult times that may lie ahead.

Either way, I wouldn't change a single second of the last forty-eight hours.

I hope that God continues to grow this life inside, and that our story will bring hope and peace to so many others out there that are struggling with infertility, loss, or any other trial and tribulation that life brings. We serve an awesome God who is capable of anything, and He's shown us today that He truly has no limits, He hears our prayers, He is faithful, merciful, and still just as capable of miracles today as He was over a thousand years ago.

We are still cautiously optimistic and will continue to be until we see a healthy heartbeat or two on that fuzzy black screen that has only brought us pictures of growing follicles and plump linings in the past, because we know that although we've experienced a true miracle today, God may not choose to allow this pregnancy to continue. He may have already proven Himself and shown us His power and glory, and it may not be in His will for this blessing to continue.

But no matter what happens, we will still praise Him, giving Him all the glory. Because it wasn't the acupuncture, the medicine, the yoga or the doctors that made this possible; they were merely tools He used to bring this to pass. God heard the prayers we've all been sending up for the last three and a half years, and He chose to answer them in His time, not ours.

And as always, His timing is perfect, His ways are perfect.

I can feel God working, and I suspect He hasn't shown us everything quite yet. I'm still trying to grasp the full effect of what has taken place here today, ashamed to be so amazed by what He's done for us when I knew He was capable of this all along. I feel humbled to be a part of this experience, and I'm so excited to start this new journey and to continue glorify Him for the many more miracles that He has in store for us and for this new life; waiting and watching for Him to continue to blow us away.

I'm so unworthy of this gift. So undeserving of this latest miracle. So in awe of God and how He continues to work in my life despite my stubborn, selfish ways, choosing to show His power and glory through my very own broken story in a way that can only be described as miraculous.

Thank you God, for this precious gift.

"I say to my child, I will explain to you as much of life as I can, but you must remember that there is a part of life for which you are the explanation."
-Robert Brault


jlynn said...

I am beyond elated and completely filled with happiness reading this. Congrats!!!

Praying your little one continues to grow and amaze you each and every day :)

Momma Wilson said...

Oh my gosh, I'm totally doing a little happy dance for y'all right now!!! grow babies grow:)

Jamie said...

What an unbelieveable turn of events! I am beyond excited for you as I sit here typing this! I have continued to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to pray that your baby/babies snuggle in for the long haul.

And I am amazed about what a miracle this cycle has been in so many ways!

lparsons15 said...

Absolutly UNbelievable! I Am so beyond thrilled for you and your husband..You so deserve this! I am so happy you are getting your miracle and this cycle turned out to be everything you wanted it to be!

A.E. said...

Lord, you have given us what we asked of you. We will never forget the favor you have shown us by giving us these children, by hearing our requests and acting on our behalf. We will rear these children ever-mindful of their Creator, honoring you in every decision we make on their behalf. Thank you is not enough, Lord, but you have left us speechless. You are our Savior and you have saved the day. We love you.

WantWait&Pray said...

Yes, I have been stalking your blog to see this post. I forgot to tell you that I was in awe of how you handled the news on Saturday. Your email gave glory to God when I think most of us would want to throw in the towel. And then guess what......your servant-like attitude towards this was rewareded....richly. I am SO beyond thrilled for you. I love you.....I am SO excited!

The Curtis Family said...

I have chills reading the about incredible journey you have been on today and I am in awe of our AWESOME God! YAY!!!

Sarah said...

Heavenly Father,
I humbly beg you to continue this life in our sweet Tab's belly. Please, Lord, let this be a most miraculous story that only you could plan. Give Tabitha and her husband strength to endure the coming days while they wait. Please, please, please let this be the baby they have been waiting for.

Robin said...

Lord, we are humbled. We are amazed. And we are so very grateful. Thank you for every moment of this journey. Thank you for the strength You have given to Tabitha and Willie. Thank you for the witness their lives are for Your kingdom. Thank you for reminding us that You are God. And how much this precious life is a part of Your plan. What a blessing and a privelge! We will pray over this child's life and cannot wait to see how You will use him/her for Your glory!

MHughes said...

Tabitha, I am SO excited for you!! You handled everything so well on Saturday. I'll continue to pray for the life inside you!!

Suzanne said...

What wonderful news!!! Congratulations!!!

colleen said...

Tabitha- It's so awesome to hear/read your praises during such a trying time. Your faith is amazing, but really God is the one who amazes us both. I'm thankful for this miracle for you and excited to hear how He continues to work in your life.

Brittney said...

Tears streamed down my face as I read your post...what a beautiful blessing!! I am so, so happy for you and will continue to send up prayers for you, Will and your sweet baby(s). You are going to have SUCH an amazing testimony to share with everyone one day. I feel so privileged to be reading a piece of it already.

Brittney said...

Also, my faith had been weak lately but your experience and post are helping to restore it. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us.

Carrie said...

Hello, My name is Carrie and I am Tabitha's mom. I have been reading everyone's comments to Tabitha's posts thru the years and just want to say thank you for all of your love and support and prayers for Tabitha and Willie during this time in their lives. Tabitha has met so many sweet, loving, open hearted people, she is truly blessed. Thank you all for adding your prayers to ours!

Jennifer said...

I'm in tears!!! Amazing, Tab :) I can't imagine how your heart must have been racing as you were on the phone with the nurse! Grow baby(ies), grow!!!

t.bird said...

OMG!!! i can't believe i just caught up- YES!!

i'm praying so very hard for that child- SO HARD!!!!

t.bird said...

oh- and if it helps calm your fears at all- take a look @ my bleeding/spotting/stopping meds/beta roller coaster back in Jan 09' with alex.

i bled & spotted & cramped & cried- and like you, saw that oh so faint 2nd line.

my beta @ 10dp5dt was only 107. i was hopeful but doubtful- where was my 300+ beta level like some people?!

but He had a plan :)

ok!!! still praying!

Life Happens said...

Oh my, what a miracle blessing!! I can not stop smiling for you! And thanking Heavenly Father for such a miracle. Congrats!! You DESERVE this blessing.

I pray that the baby will continue to grow and nestle in for the next 9 months! So HAPPY for you both!!!

Mrs. Hammer said...

Wow! What are the odds of a lab mix up like that?!?!?! I'm so praying for those tripling numbers turning into a healthy pregnancy! Sweet Jesus please hear our prayers for Tab and the little life growing inside her tummy. Let this little life be a testimony of You.

Katie said...

I am speechless as I read your story and I will be praying that God protects this sweet life/lives!! Your faith is truly amazing, and God is watching over you and your babies. May He grant you His peace and love during this time!! I could not be happier for you!!

Melissa said...

What an amazing story. As I commented before my betas also started out low and that is because my daughter implanted later than they expected. I did so much research on the subject and my numbers were low but more than doubled as well....and everything was fine. Praying for you!!

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

Thinking of you.

lparsons15 said...

This just keeps getting better and better..That number just keeps going up..Its just amazing how this turned around.

Stephanie said...

Girl, I may not know you IRL, but if anyone deserved this now, you DO!! I am so elated over this news. I will be (in)patiently waiting for your next post!!!
Lots of prayers for you sweet friend! What a miracle!

A said...

WOW, this is amazing!! Congratulations!!

colleen said...

i see high numbers, left side. woohoo!! anxiously awaiting an update!!

Martin Family said...

Tab I'm so excited for you... we will continue to pray for your little blessing/s...totally excited for your ultrasound i programed it into my phone lol! Cant wait for the babyshower... its going to be the largest one ever! I'm already have my eye on oh so much stuff!

Anonymous said...

I am so happy for you! I have been following your blogs closely and praying for your five week old fetus. Try to enjoy the moment, too. I know how hard it can be!

Auntie K said...

I am obviously ridiculously late to your amazing news!!! Because your blog is set to private it doesn't update on my blog. But anyways, a HUGE congratulations sent your way!!!

That is nothing short of amazing!!!

Can't wait to continue watching and reading about your journey!!!