Wednesday, July 14, 2010

{Day 1} Fighting Fear

And so begins IVF, Part 4.

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): In the past, this has been my section to complain about the usual bloat and weight gain that accompanies any normal IVF cycle, but I'm going to try to keep that to a minimum this time around.

Although I wish I were just a few pounds lighter going into this cycle and possible pregnancy, I'm happy enough with my progress at the moment and I refuse to let this tiny pound-packing steroid pill crush my dreams.

Lupron (10units, subQ injection): As I stood in front of my bathroom mirror this morning-slightly freaking out at the realization that I forgot to order a sharps container and extra alcohol wipes-I was amazed at the numbness I felt about the actual debacle of epic proportions that lie ahead.

For our first IVF, I couldn't sleep the night before; I was much too excited to jump into the world of shots, ultrasounds and new life. For IVF #2, I was more confident, but still scared to death because of our previous failure. By IVF #3, I was a professional shooter; excited again by the swiftness and smooth sailing of the previous cycle, yet cautiously optimistic because of the negative ending result. But as I stood there at the starting line of our fourth and final IVF, wearing my mismatched pajamas and gazing sleepily at the tiny needle that defines the beginning of the end, I couldn't seem to feel much of anything in the emotions department.

And I was sort of...relieved. Not paralyzed by fear, giddy with excitement or even over thinking how I would document today's events for the world to see; just relieved to be numb, more concerned with what I was going to wear to work today then with the fact that it was time to embark on our fourth and final IVF.

And of course grateful for the current peace being had before the unstoppable dam of hormone laced emotions breaks loose and I have to spend my days fighting fear.

And as I stopped contemplating my odd state of mind long enough to slip that tiny bee sting needle into what's left of my always present stomach pooch, I was encouraged by the ease and painlessness at which it entered the first few layers of the epidermis.

And I felt a little bit of hope creep in.

And the Lord, He it is that doth go before thee: He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.
Deuteronomy 31:8 (KJV)

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for your word; for the simple, yet powerful reminders you have hidden inside that let us know that you are always walking closest to us when we need you the most. Your promise in this encouraging verse wipes away absolutely any reason I've ever had to fear the future. Please help me to hide these words in my heart and bring them to my memory when I'm discouraged and afraid by the uncertainty of the next few weeks, because-although I'm feeling fairly calm right now-I have no doubts that the hormones being reintroduced to my body will wreck havoc on my peaceful state at any moment.

Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for your promises, and thank you for removing all of my feeble excuses to be afraid,

Amen.

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."
-Bill Cosby

2 comments:

Robin said...

Girl, I love you.

lparsons15 said...

Fingers and toes crossed!