{5w0d}

And I thought getting pregnant was supposed to be the hardest part.

Today, the calender tells me I am five weeks pregnant. I've been waiting literally for years to get here, but now that we've been blessed with this crazy roller coaster of a pregnancy, I'm more anxious than ever.

I wake up every morning and grab my chest, just to see if it's sore. Some days it's more sensitive than others, but I'm never happy unless my touch is accompanied by a bruised-like sensation. Then I run to the bathroom, checking for any sort of spotting so I can categorized the color as dark yellow, brown, pink, red, or a mixture of them all, followed by a quick pregnancy test, and the realization that I sort of wish I was a boy.

Because my husband has no fear of colored bodily fluids.

And no uterus to over analyze.

On Wednesday, I woke up to a little pink spotting and some very tiny, almost invisible clots of red. They were so minuscule, I almost thought I'd imagined them, but I still emailed my nurse in a panic, requesting one more beta lab slip just in case. Understanding how I operate-and still feeling horrible about our second beta mix up I'm sure-she obliged and sent me our fourth and final beta request which I printed out and drove down to the lab to immediately fulfill.

314.

My beta's are still more than doubling. I know it's normal for most girls to spot a rainbow of colors during the first few weeks of pregnancy. And I understand that every little twinge I feel in my uterus, every morning I wake up and realize my chest is less sore than it was yesterday, and every time I see a tiny bit of pink in my underwear does not mean this pregnancy is necessarily over.

So why can't I just feel relief? Why am I more anxious today then I was last week when thought I had already experienced a chemical pregnancy? Why are high rising beta numbers not enough to ease my mind? Why do I feel the constant need to remind everyone who knows about this pregnancy that my betas are low and it may not last, as if I'm preparing them-and myself-for bad news?

Because I over analyze, and I know way too much. Because I've seen and heard more sad than happy stories from low beta numbers like mine, more than doubling or not. Because I know that spotting is never good, no matter the shade.

And because google is the devil.

No joke.

I'm incredibly frustrated with myself, because I know the real deal is that I'm experiencing a lack of faith. I'm ashamed to have had God show me so many amazing feet's in the past few months, yet I still question Him-and my situation-even when all signs are pointing to something worth celebrating. I almost feel like He'll end up punishing me for my unbelief in His ability to provide even more miracles instead of just trusting Him to have His way.

I do trust Him, I do know that God is powerful and omnipresent and capable of taking these low numbers and turning them into triplets. I know that He is watching over us and He has a great big plan for our lives. I know He can take this spotting, these low betas, and show the world His glory and power through this pregnancy.

But I also know that He may not choose to do that.

Fittingly, I'm reading through the book of Job right now, and I cringe as a follow the story of a faithful and righteous man who was robbed of his family, his riches, and his health yet still chose to follow the Lord and never once became angry with God or his situation. God allowed satan to utterly destroy Job's life, just to prove that Job would remain faithful; to show us all that it's possible to glorify God even in the worst of situations, leaving us no excuse to shake our fists at God when we get scared or angry.

I'm certainly not as faithful and righteous as Job was, but I can't help but compare myself to the possibility of his situation. No, God hasn't stripped me of my friends, family, earthly possessions or my health, but at times I feel so close to loosing the one thing I've wanted for years, and it terrifies me.

Although I haven't finished reading the chapter yet, I've read it before and I know how the story ends. After Job proves himself, continuing to praise God despite all he's endured, God restores all he had to start with, and then some.

I know that right now, I should spend more of my time praising God than worrying about what could happen with this pregnancy. I know I should be excited and hopeful, instead of leery and fearful. I should think freely about the possibility of holding a child in my arms this coming April, instead of the possibility of seeing nothing on our first ultra sound next Wednesday.

Right now my body is pregnant, but my head and heart still feel infertile, and it's a nasty place to be.

I understand that it's in my nature to worry, and that with low beta numbers that are still more than doubling-but slightly slowing down-coupled with random spotting, most girls in my situation would be feeling the very same things right now.

But I want more.

I want to celebrate and embrace this pregnancy. I want to wake up every morning and thank God for this gift, this enormous blessing, instead of fretting over symptoms and bodily secretions. I want to get crazy excited over a positive pregnancy test, instead of analyzing the darkness of the line or how fast it showed up as compared to the previous days test. I want to find that balance between being cautiously optimistic and ridiculously giddy, because we've waited so very long to get here.

I want to spend more time in prayer, and less time in fear.

Next Wednesday, I'll be five weeks and five days pregnant at our first ultra sound, and I'm anticipating seeing at least an appropriately sized gestational sac, yolk sac and a fetal pole at that time, since they should be visible between five and six weeks. By then, we'll know if this pregnancy is progressing as it should.

Some days are harder than others, and I've been told that it never really gets any easier. As the pregnancy progresses and each new milestone is crossed off, another rises and you hit a whole new level of anticipation. I also suspect this fear only increases once that precious child is birthed and placed in your arms, as your permanent responsibility for the rest of your life.

So I figure if I can't beat it, I may as well embrace it.

Today, I am a mother of a five week old fetus. My chest is sore to the touch, my beta levels are rising beautifully, my home pregnancy tests are turning positive for the first time in my life, and I've got more people praying for this tiny little blessing than I even know what to do with.

Last night, after our family pictures were over and everyone else had left, my husband and I stayed behind to capture a few shots of us holding our positive pregnancy test; which is something I've had my heart set on since two years ago. I already have a donated jogging stroller sitting in my garage, and I even know what brand of cloth diapers I want to use.

Despite my uncontrolled fear, it seems that God is right in the midst of making my dreams come true. It's way past time for me to bow out gracefully and let Him take it from here, trusting that He has this under control.

Because He certainly doesn't need my help.

Just my gratitude.

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."

-Author Unkown

One More Miracle

God works in mysterious ways that I may never understand.

Wonderful, miraculous, unexplainable ways.

This morning, I woke up and decided it was time to clean up all of our IVF things. As I readied myself for work, I took the time to place our embryo pictures back in the drawer, shove the rest of the meds and needles into the closet, and even pulled out my thank you cards to send out to everyone who prayed fervently for us.

I spoke with God on the way to work, asking Him to continue to give us the grace and strength to move on, and to guide our next steps and give us wisdom as we continued on to our FET cycle. And as I sat at my desk a little while later, I began to make a list of all the questions I needed to convert into an email to send to Dr. Greene, seeking as many answers as possible to ease our mind about this chemical pregnancy and everything surrounding it.

Because that's the only way I know how to deal, OCD style.

But before I could transfer my sticky notepad full of scribbled words into a full email, my phone rang. It was SIRM, presumably calling me to set up a phone consult concerning the FET, and saving me the trouble of constructing an extremely long email that would probably have frustrated me anyway and brought up tears that still hadn't found their way out yet.

But my assumptions were wrong. The nurse wasn't calling me to set up a phone consult, she was calling to tell me that the lab had left a message on her phone explaining how they had messed up our second beta results on Saturday and were going to have to run them again, just in case.

And before I could stop it, hope crept in.

Then it faded just as quickly as it appeared as I realized I had already began spotting heavily, an I knew the original negative beta just had to be correct. Besides that, I was just mentally and physically exhausted, and had finally found peace with this chemical pregnancy. I was grateful to have been pregnant, thankful for the opportunity, but so incredibly ready to just move forward and see what God had in store for us next.

Little did I know that what God had in store for us next was yet another miracle.

37.

My beta was in fact not negative on Saturday, it had more than doubled-it had tripled-and then some. But as the excitement hit, so did the fear, born mostly from the realization that I'd been starving my body of the necessary hormones and medication that was so vital during this stage of and IVF pregnancy for the last forty-eight hours. Was my current spotting a result of a possible chemical pregnancy-again-or the result of a lack of PIO shots? I was in fact pregnant on Saturday, but was I sill pregnant today? And although thirty seven was a tripled number, wasn't it still low for a beta at fifteen days past ovulation?

I had to stop myself before I went crazy, and instead soak up the fact that God had shown favor on us, and was blessing us with this new possibility. And if this new life that was still growing in me on Saturday was in His will, there was no stopping it; the lack of medicine, major spotting, or any other obstacle would never get in the way of His plan coming to pass.

Within minutes I was faxed over another lab slip for a beta blood draw and had rushed over to the nearest LabCorp to end this madness once and for all. Then I had my father stop by my house to pick up my bag of meds that had been shoved in the closet, and had my mother come to give me a much needed PIO shot after I quickly applied estrogen patches, praying I hadn't done any damage to the unborn life that could very well still be growing inside of me.

And just a few short hours and a million prayers later, we were given our third beta number.

114.

I was told not to stress over the spotting, continue with my meds and wait for an email tomorrow that would schedule my first ultrasound. And even though it made me nervous, the nurse told me I also wouldn't be needing any more betas, the tripling numbers were enough for information for them.

It was all so surreal; like I was on the outside looking in. I suppose I'd feel the same way if someone told me that I had just won a million dollars after filling for bankruptcy. This morning, I was coping with a chemical pregnancy that I had finally come to accept, but this afternoon I was rejoicing for the blessing still growing inside of me.

And God had this planned all along.

He knew they would mess up my beta and give us the negative results when our real number had in fact tripled, and He knew we would be devastated. But maybe He was waiting to see how we'd react after receiving the news. Maybe it was all just a test that He was giving us, one to teach us even more patience and endurance to prepare us for difficult times that may lie ahead.

Either way, I wouldn't change a single second of the last forty-eight hours.

I hope that God continues to grow this life inside, and that our story will bring hope and peace to so many others out there that are struggling with infertility, loss, or any other trial and tribulation that life brings. We serve an awesome God who is capable of anything, and He's shown us today that He truly has no limits, He hears our prayers, He is faithful, merciful, and still just as capable of miracles today as He was over a thousand years ago.

We are still cautiously optimistic and will continue to be until we see a healthy heartbeat or two on that fuzzy black screen that has only brought us pictures of growing follicles and plump linings in the past, because we know that although we've experienced a true miracle today, God may not choose to allow this pregnancy to continue. He may have already proven Himself and shown us His power and glory, and it may not be in His will for this blessing to continue.

But no matter what happens, we will still praise Him, giving Him all the glory. Because it wasn't the acupuncture, the medicine, the yoga or the doctors that made this possible; they were merely tools He used to bring this to pass. God heard the prayers we've all been sending up for the last three and a half years, and He chose to answer them in His time, not ours.

And as always, His timing is perfect, His ways are perfect.

I can feel God working, and I suspect He hasn't shown us everything quite yet. I'm still trying to grasp the full effect of what has taken place here today, ashamed to be so amazed by what He's done for us when I knew He was capable of this all along. I feel humbled to be a part of this experience, and I'm so excited to start this new journey and to continue glorify Him for the many more miracles that He has in store for us and for this new life; waiting and watching for Him to continue to blow us away.

I'm so unworthy of this gift. So undeserving of this latest miracle. So in awe of God and how He continues to work in my life despite my stubborn, selfish ways, choosing to show His power and glory through my very own broken story in a way that can only be described as miraculous.

Thank you God, for this precious gift.

"I say to my child, I will explain to you as much of life as I can, but you must remember that there is a part of life for which you are the explanation."

-Robert Brault

{Beta Day, Part II}

I waited on pins and needles for nine hours for good beta news.

Nine hours.

I kept telling myself to just relax, because I was pregnant. I could feel the tiny twinges and twitches of a growing uterus, and I was already lighting up with that healthy pregnancy glow. I was careful not to pick up anything weighing more than ten pounds for fear of putting my unborn child in danger, and I had finally brought out my collection of pregnancy clothes to stare at longingly until I was large enough to have to wear them.

They've been stuffed in the back of my closet for years; along with the pregnancy books, baby blankets, onsies and stuffed animals.

This entire cycle was an answer to prayers, this pregnancy was a miracle, and I just knew God was going to show us-and everyone else-great things through this little blessing. Because after two IUI's, four IVF's and a little over three and a half years, I was finally pregnant.

But then it was gone almost before it started.

I didn't know what to say when my nurse told me that she was calling with bad news, and I wanted to hang up the phone and make her call back when she had good news for me. I had almost forgotten how to receive bad news at this point, I was finally getting used to all of the good news for once, and I almost threw the phone down like it was a poisonous snake.

I asked what the number had dropped to, and she said it was already negative.

I didn't ask her out loud, but I couldn't help but wonder what this meant. Did I miscarry? Was this a chemical pregnancy? With a beta of eleven only thirteen days past ovulation, did that really count as a pregnancy?

I never even saw a positive pregnancy test; my numbers were never high enough to turn a second line pink.

It's almost as if it never really happened. If we wouldn't have had our blood drawn as early as we did, we would have never known we were pregnant at all. And it felt like someone was playing an awful, cruel joke on me, telling me I was pregnant and then taking it back less than two days later.

But I was pregnant, even if it was for a very short time. I really was. My beta of eleven was proof of that. Somewhere along the line, we were successful in attaining an embryo or two that God allowed to hatch and attach, snuggling into my uterus, and I was pregnant.

I have no idea what this means, and I have fifty-million questions to ask the doctor about when I get all of my thoughts in order; and of course I haven't forgotten that we still have two frozen embryos on ice and one more chance that we are so very grateful for. But I'm also scared because I know the odds of a frozen embryo transfer working are only about half of the odds of a fresh IVF cycle working, and we all know how well fresh IVF's have worked for us so far.

I also know the three best embryos were placed inside of me almost two weeks ago, so that-along with the realization that some embryos never make it through the thaw, let alone with out cell damage-makes me nervous as well.

But I'm trying my best to push these thoughts away and just move past this.

I know God has a plan, and He chose to give us these two embryos that were able to be frozen, so I know we have a chance. And I may never understand why our most perfect cycle and short lived pregnancy ended almost before it began, but I'm still praising God that we were able to get pregnant at all.

Even if it was only for a few days, it was still our miracle.

The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

Job 1:21 (KJV)

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You for this cycle, and thank You for this pregnancy. Although our hearts are breaking right now, we still give You the glory, honor and praise for this miracle that was only with us for a short time.

Please continue to give us the grace and strength to move forward, and please bless the two precious embryos that You've allowed to survive and be frozen. Give us wisdom to look to You and do Your will, and please guide and direct us in the way that You'd have us to go.

Amen.

“The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle.”

-Anais Nin