These Days

I haven't been blogging much these days.

Mostly it's been difficult making the switch from daily documenting of all things IVF, back to regular blogging of all things infertility. It's also strange not having to produce a post title involving some form of the word shot; almost as strange as not receiving or giving myself scheduled shots or taking a pill of some sort.

I really am doing well, despite the fact that our first IVF-although expected to be our miracle-was just one more failure. So well in fact, that I've actually wondered if something were wrong with me.

The grief does come in waves, but not like I expected it would. It surfaces rarely, and more in the form of endless questions, irritation or self-pity. I'd love to blame the birth control pills for this hot mess, especially since it hit me just last week as I was a few days into the pack, but I know better than that.

I'm only human, and I know it's normal to feel sad or upset when something doesn't go my way. I'm also aware of the need to let myself feel the pain of a failed cycle, while still struggling to keep my mind, body and soul healthy and ready to try again. Is there really a way for both to coexist?

Absolutely.

I'm avoiding all things caffeine, eating more organic, ditching nail polish, canceling hair appointments, and attempting to making my own cleaning products. My vanity may suffer, but I'll do whatever I can in the next six weeks to avoid as many unnecessary chemicals as possible, taking the best care of my body and in turn giving myself the best chance at success with IVF part II.

These steps are certainly helpful, but they won't guarantee a pregnancy or promise me a life of happiness. They are simply a great distraction from satan doing his best to throw doubts and fears in my head, jumbling my thoughts into a mass of questions about the future that I just can't answer, kicking my obsessive controlling nature into full gear.

The real antidote is slightly more challenging.

I'm trying my best to constantly remind myself that God is in control, and it's my job to fully depend on Him-not myself, doctors, their medicine, or google-and not worry about what tomorrow holds.

Not so easy for a control freak like me.

But worry is pointless, really; what benefit does it hold? What will it help to achieve, what good will ever come of it? I can spend my days getting my body healthy and my heart ready for our next try, or I can be severely bummed out because God's plan and my plan just didn't match up this time.

Being sad and disappointed is normal, but dwelling on the past and fearing the future will get me absolutely nowhere. So on a bad day when I feel discouraged and bitter-because the bad days will come-I'll do my best to take my fears and burdens to Jesus and lay them down. Let them go, give them up.

As Snoop Dogg said, drop it like it's hot.

God is the only one that knows my future, the only one that I can truly depend on to never disappoint me. If I trust that He is by my side and will never ever leave me-focusing on the many promises He gives us in His word-I'll be able to bring glory and honor to Him through any situation, and praise Him through any storm.

So that's what I'm doing these days.

"God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because He knows the glory will be worth it, God will risk being misunderstood."
-Beth Moore

When At First You Don't Succeed

Be thankful you get to try again.

It's been exactly one week since we received the phone call letting us know that only 3 of our 13 retrieved eggs were mature enough to attempt to fertilize. We knew at that moment our chances of conception at the end of the cycle were diminishing rapidly, but we never completely lost faith.

And now, even after an early conclusion of our first IVF attempt has come to pass, we are still praising God for his faithfulness and mercy, thanking him continually for the chance to try one more time.

During our post IVF phone consult with Dr. Greene this afternoon our conclusion remains the same, as does our optimism for the next cycle in September. He still feels that I responded perfectly to the protocol and medication, so the only change taking place will be the timing of our HCG trigger shot. If administered at a more appropriate time, we should be able to produce more mature eggs and eliminate all of the drama and disappointment that yielded from our last failed cycle and replace it with plenty of healthy, viable embryos.

As my bruises heal and our hearts mend, we're excited to see what our next try in September brings; fighting fear and doubt brought on by last weeks loss with our optimism and hope for our next try. We know our chances of success are even higher next time, but there is always the possibility that something different could go wrong. Even a perfect cycle may not lead to conception.

But it could, and that's good enough for us.

"How long should you try? Until."

-Jim Rohn

Embryo Growth Report

Saturday, 7-25-09 (Day 25)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Check.

Ciprofloxacin (500mg, oral pill): Is a drug used to treat bacterial infections, and from what I read, should not be used on pregnant women. Yet they have me taking it for at least another week and a half, of which I should be pregnant during the later part of.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): The shots are still going well, but I'm starting to feel the side effects now. My chest is very tender and sore, and it feels as if someone has literally kicked my butt.

I'm also experiencing a lot of pain in my midsection. The entire core of my body feels as if someone has taken out all of my insides, rearranged them, then put them back in the wrong place. I'm also severely bloated, but I'm told this is normal, so I'll just keep taking my extra strength Tylenol and using my heating pad until the pain subsides and is replaced by pregnancy symptoms.

Sunday, 7-26-09 (Day 26)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I finally got back on the scale again, and was surprised to find I'm not quite as heavy as I feel.

Ciprofloxacin (500mg, oral pill): Common side effects are headache, nausea, and abdominal pain, which I'm already experiencing from the egg retrieval anyway. Why not make it worse?

PIO (1ml, IM injection): It's getting hard to receive these shots and their vicious side effects when I'm not even sure if it will be worth it; and I'm not being a pessimist, but rather a realist.

We're down to one embryo today, and it has only 3 cells.

A strong, healthy embryo should have at least 6 cells by now.

Monday, 7-27-09 (Day 27)

No meds to report today because this cycle is over, prematurely.

Our sweet little 3-celled embryo still has only 3 cells, 24 hours later. This means that unless something drastic happens, our final embryo is not viable and non-transferable.

I still haven't cried yet.

Trying to find the silver lining on this raincloud, we are so thankful that we still have one more try. By tomorrow we should be speaking to Dr. Greene and have a better idea of what happened and what we can do to avoid this next time. The nurse told us to not give up hope, she said that we learned so much from this cycle and we'll continue to learn even more from the little embryo that we have struggling in a petri dish right now.

I don't believe this is happening. I can't help but wonder how things would be right now if we had waited just one more day to trigger. Would those 4 almost mature embryos have been fully mature given one or two more days? If they would have been mature, would they have fertilized normally and become healthy blastocytes, or would they have arrested and stopped dividing like the two we already had? Does this mean that my husband’s sperm and my eggs just don't make viable embryo's, or is this simply a timing issue and luck of the draw?

I'd be lying if I said I'm not terrified to do this again. Since we signed up for a two cycle plan our next try will be our final try, and all of the naive bliss and positive thinking that came along with our first cycle will be hard to hold onto, now that I'm aware of what can really happen; even for a couple that has all the odds in their favor.

All we can do now is take this one day at a time. Someone once told me that when God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

I believe it.

I have to.

"If you want to get somewhere, you have to know where you want to go and how to get there. Then never, never, never give up."

-Norman Vincent Peale