{Day 3} Rediscovering Thankfulness

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): It's amazing just a few days of this tiny little blue pill burrowing into my system can turn me into and eating machine.

And how suddenly-after several months of being frappachino free-all I can think about is that sugary poisen topped with whip cream and carmel drizzle.

Lupron (10units, subQ injection): Another almost perfect injection paired with a small bits and pieces of hope, excitement, worry, fear, anxiety, and a tiny bit of numbness made me thankful that my life is anything but boring.

I feel like I've been caught somewhere between ignoring the fact that we're on our final IVF-blocking out as many emotions as possible to ensure the safety of my damaged heart-and finding reasons to be thankful that I'm in the midst of this amazing miracle.

Despite our disappointment in finding ourselves so far gone into this mess of infertility, medical treatments and the possibility of never having our own biological family, I really am thankful for the opportunity given to me to be able to try, especially when there are so many others out there that don't have that same opportunity given to them.

It really makes my complaints about shots, steroid pills and cravings seem pointless.

Even if it is our fourth try, and I'm tired, broken hearted and somewhat permanently damaged by pieces of our past and the long, hard road we've been traveling on the way to our happy ending, I am still thankful. There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling all of the emotions that come along with the added hormones and crazy pills being pumped into my body on a daily basis, but it's imperative that I remember that I have been given an amazing chance to glorify God and possibly even get the pregnancy I've always wanted at the same time.

And if that's not a blessing, I don't know what is.

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

Philippians 4:6 (KJV)

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for allowing me to come freely to you with every need, every anxious request that I hold in my heart. You already know every single one of my deepest desires, but I know You take joy in me coming to You daily to share them with You so that You can calm my anxious heart and remind me that You are always available to listen if I'm only willing to come to You in prayer.

Thank You for never tiring of hearing my pleas, and for reminding me to not only come to You as often as necessary with my every worry, but to also take joy in the many blessings I've been given; coming to You in the very same desperate, pleading prayer with plenty of thanksgiving, too.

Amen.

“We are often slower to recognize blessings than evils.”

-Titus Livy

{Day 2} Finding Faith

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): It may very well be a figment of my imagination, but I did indulge in a random case of snacking last night as I rummaged around my parents kitchen like some sort of rabid animal.

A handful of pretzels, a couple bites of peach ice cream, a few potato chips, one organic strawberry yogurt bar and three quarters of someones left over hamburger later, and I was finally able to talk some sense into myself.

Lupron (10units, subQ injection): Thrown off guard by the ease of yesterday's injection, I was little disappointed at the unsteadiness of my more than capable hand this morning. Still nothing to complain about-the needle swiftly broke the skin and left no sign of damage behind-but it was definitely enough to let a little discouragement sink in.

And then I panicked at the realization of emotion breaking through; which meant my numbness was disappearing more quickly than I'd previously anticipated.

But before I could shake it off completely, my husband started talking about how we would tell our families and friends the good news of our long awaited pregnancy. He dreamed up plans of a large BBQ-because that's what country boys think is necessary to have a good time-and even asked if he could be in charge of the ever-expanding guest list and all the glamorous specifics of the festivities, since I would be tired and nauseated from my pregnancy, of course.

And although I wanted to tell him it wasn't safe to start planing something yet, remind him that it's better not to get our hopes up and gently shatter his dreams of the perfect coming-out-of-the-pregnancy-closet-BBQ, I just gave in and granted him my permission.

And since I'm a type A personality by nature, I even began to form a mental picture right along with him, contemplating how long we would wait to announce our precious blessing, and what time of the year this massive BBQ would take place in. And before I knew it, thoughts of where we would have it, how we would decorate, and where we would come up with the money to put it into action took up at least an hour of our regularly scheduled bedtime conversations.

I still can't bring myself to do the math required to figure out the estimated due date of our miracle baby if this cycle happens to actually work, and I definitely will not take part in any sporadic baby purchases this time around. I realize I'm guilty of holding back in attempt at protecting what's left of my heart that hasn't been stained with infertility, but it doesn't mean I can't still live.

And it most certainly doesn't mean I can't pretend plan a BBQ, either.

And the apostles said unto the Lord, Increase our faith. And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you.

Luke 17:5-6 (KJV)

Dear Lord,

When things get hard, when I feel overwhelmed by the madness around me, remind me that with you, all things are possible. I can let down my guard because You are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow; and the advice that was given so long ago to the apostles still stands true against the trials and tribulations that I face today.

Lord, increase my faith, especially when a mustard seed seems so much bigger than it really is.

Amen.

"The battles that count aren't the ones for gold medals. The struggles within yourself-the invisible, inevitable battles inside all of us-that's where it's at."

-Jesse Owens

{Day 1} Fighting Fear

And so begins IVF, Part 4.

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): In the past, this has been my section to complain about the usual bloat and weight gain that accompanies any normal IVF cycle, but I'm going to try to keep that to a minimum this time around.

Although I wish I were just a few pounds lighter going into this cycle and possible pregnancy, I'm happy enough with my progress at the moment and I refuse to let this tiny pound-packing steroid pill crush my dreams.

Lupron (10units, subQ injection): As I stood in front of my bathroom mirror this morning-slightly freaking out at the realization that I forgot to order a sharps container and extra alcohol wipes-I was amazed at the numbness I felt about the actual debacle of epic proportions that lie ahead.

For our first IVF, I couldn't sleep the night before; I was much too excited to jump into the world of shots, ultrasounds and new life. For IVF #2, I was more confident, but still scared to death because of our previous failure. By IVF #3, I was a professional shooter; excited again by the swiftness and smooth sailing of the previous cycle, yet cautiously optimistic because of the negative ending result. But as I stood there at the starting line of our fourth and final IVF, wearing my mismatched pajamas and gazing sleepily at the tiny needle that defines the beginning of the end, I couldn't seem to feel much of anything in the emotions department.

And I was sort of...relieved. Not paralyzed by fear, giddy with excitement or even over thinking how I would document today's events for the world to see; just relieved to be numb, more concerned with what I was going to wear to work today then with the fact that it was time to embark on our fourth and final IVF.

And of course grateful for the current peace being had before the unstoppable dam of hormone laced emotions breaks loose and I have to spend my days fighting fear.

And as I stopped contemplating my odd state of mind long enough to slip that tiny bee sting needle into what's left of my always present stomach pooch, I was encouraged by the ease and painlessness at which it entered the first few layers of the epidermis.

And I felt a little bit of hope creep in.

And the Lord, He it is that doth go before thee: He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.
Deuteronomy 31:8 (KJV)

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for your word; for the simple, yet powerful reminders you have hidden inside that let us know that you are always walking closest to us when we need you the most. Your promise in this encouraging verse wipes away absolutely any reason I've ever had to fear the future. Please help me to hide these words in my heart and bring them to my memory when I'm discouraged and afraid by the uncertainty of the next few weeks, because-although I'm feeling fairly calm right now-I have no doubts that the hormones being reintroduced to my body will wreck havoc on my peaceful state at any moment.

Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for your promises, and thank you for removing all of my feeble excuses to be afraid,

Amen.

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure."

-Bill Cosby