Retrieval Day {Part II}

Thursday, 10-8-09 (Day 23)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Because of today's retrieval and it's crazy no-eating-or drinking-after-midnight-the-night-before rules, this pill wasn't taken until this evening. I hope it's insomnia doesn't rob me of the sleep that both my mind and body are lacking.

Ciprofloxacin (500mg, oral pill): Quite a bit larger than it's tiny co-workers, this horse pill is harder to swallow than the rest. But it's an anti-biotic, and I'm desperate to do anything I can to keep my body ready for implanting in just a few short days.

So until then, bigger is better.

Dostinex (.5mg, oral pill): So far I haven't experienced any side effects of this tiny white pill; in fact I think it's E2 reducing powers are keeping me from swelling and bloating, and for that I am grateful.

PIO (1ml, IM injection): And we're back to the big shots.

Hopefully these stick around for the next few months this time.

Clindamycin (150mg vaginal suppository): It almost feels inappropriate to be writing about this little rocket shaped suppository that is shoved into a very private place, but for the sake of daily documentation of all things IVF, I must continue for one more day.

Egg Retrieval: After forcing my brain to shut down and try it's hand at sleep last night, I woke up with a peace and joy that can only be attributed to all the the prayers of our dear family and friends. My brain still struggled and debated, gently swaying between fear and happiness, but there was a present calm amidst the storm.

As we packed our bags and left for Sacramento for the third time this week, I kept praying and selfishly asking God to work His magic in today's retrieval. And then I would feel bad, because I realized I should be asking God to help others, like Noelle as she has her second beta today, and Summer as she struggles with receiving a negative result from her latest IVF, and Robin as she grows her precious miracle inside of her, just to name a few. So I'd stop and ask God to intervene for others and their needs, but then I'd find my self heading right back to my own again, going boldly to the thrown and making my requests made known to God.

Because praying is really all I can do.

As soon as we arrived at the office, we were promptly asked to sign papers, and my husband and I were immediately taken in two different directions; his to make his contribution to our precious pumpkins, and mine into the restroom to empty my bladder and change into the appropriate garb. I was then rushed into the pre-op room where my temperature and blood pressure were taken, and my IV was inserted.

Before I could ask if I would see my husband before being put under, I was whisked into the operating room and felt a surprising gust of cool air hit my naked behind as the anesthesiologist lifted up my gown and sat me on the end of the hard, sterile table. Suddenly I was surrounded by nurses and the doctor, all pulling at different parts of my barely clothed body, scooting me down on the table and lifting my legs into the stirrups.

I remember feeling embarrassingly exposed in a rare moment of modesty, and then I was out.

I woke up asking how many eggs were retrieved, and when the nurse said 22 I thought I was still dreaming. I must have asked her and anyone else in the room several more times, but I kept getting the same answer, until it finally sank in that really, truly retrieved 22 precious pumpkin follicles.

And then I started crying.

At that point the doctor walked in and immediately rushed to my side, disturbed by my tears and asking if I was in any pain. I assured him I was feeling fine, I was just so incredibly happy. Everyone was staring at me like I was insane, and all I could manage to do was cry and babble about the surprising number of follicles that were removed from my once shamed but newly reclaimed rockstar ovaries.

God is good, and although He proved again today that He is in control and in the business of answering prayers, we still aren't out of the woods yet. The doctor said that out of our pumpkin patch of 22 follicles, 7 of them seem to be mature, but he's keeping his eye on 4 or 5 others. We won't know the true amount of mature and fertilized embryos until tomorrow morning though, so once again we're doing our best to hurry up and wait.

The pain of last times results are still fresh in my mind, and there is still a piece of my heart that is just waiting to be broken by a sudden change in direction from tomorrows phone call. But I'm continuing to pray that God blesses and holds our precious pumpkins in His hands, ripening them and maturing them and allowing as many to fertilize as possible, as only He can do.

Because in Him, anything is possible; and pumpkin growing is a piece of cake.

"To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."
-Author Unknown

Shotaholic

Monday, 10-5-09 (Day 20)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I didn't have much of an appetite today, so maybe this pill's hunger making magic is wearing off.

Lupron (5units, subQ injection): After all this time, I've finally figured out the best place to shoot is directly under the belly button. My skin is tougher and tends to bleed a little bit more to the left and right, but I hardly feel a thing when that needle hits right down the middle.

Follistim (225units, subQ injection): I finally used up all of my Follistim cartridges, so now I'm using the old fashioned vials of Follistim, for which I have no needles or knowledge of how to draw up. Luckily my nurse coordinator did the hard work for me and hooked me up with a couple days worth of pre-drawn Follistim injections.

Luveris (1/2ml, subQ injection): Since she's the expert, I also had her draw up my next two Luveris injections, since I can't seem to get them right anyway. I watched-impressed of course-as she followed her own directions, gently mixed the liquid, and drew out the exact amount for the first shot.

But when it came time to draw the second half, she was confused as to why she was coming up short of the 1/2ml that she needed, turning the syringe in her hands and staring at it like she was waiting for it to tell her it's secret, just like I've been doing.

I couldn't help by say it.

I told you so.

Follicle Count Ultrasound and E2: As I sat on that cold, sterile table again, I was feeling positive, but slightly more apprehensive than last time. I tried my best to make small talk with the doctor and my nurse, but it was a little difficult to do as I watched him lubricate the wand that would show us a glimpse of my freshly grown pumpkin patch, or the lack thereof; since-once again-I wasn't feeling a thing.

In it went, and the measuring began as I carefully kept track in my head of the numbers and sizes he was calling out. First was my uterine lining, which he praised at a 15, once again labeling me as an overachiever for extending far past the 9 he was hoping to see. I tried to share his enthusiasm over that high number, but my heart dropped a little as I realized that 15 is great, but its still 1.5 smaller than last time.

And then it picked itself up off my uterine lining and jumped right back into my chest as the Doctor started measuring and counting my beautiful pumpkin follicles. I lost track around twenty, mesmerized by the incredibly gorgeous black blobs on the screen. The perfect, precious round circles that could very possibly be a portion of my future babies. But knowing more than I did at this point in the game last time, I quickly became less concerned with quantity and more concerned with matching sizes.

During my last cycle, the sizes of my follicles were all over the place. I remember the doctor calling out random numbers between 10 and 21mm, all ranging in size and shape. This time the majority of the follicles sat around 14, 15 and 16mm; which is excellent because that means we can focus on that particular group and make sure they grow mature and ripe, hopefully avoiding last cycles lack of mature eggs due to a too early trigger and retrieval.

This is exactly what we were hoping for.

After I was once again vertical and sporting panties, the doctor assured me that he was incredibly pleased with my response this time and set me up with another sonogram tomorrow. And as he marched off to visit the next patient, he smiled sheepishly at me and pumped his fist into the air in victory, excitedly telling me to "think positive".

You have no idea, doc.

No idea.

Tuesday, 10-6-09 (Day 21)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Check.

Lupron (5units, subQ injection): I didn't know it at the time, but this was my last Lupron shot. I just may miss the drama of it all, but now my stomach will finally have the chance to recover and de-bruise for the first time in three weeks.

Dostinex (.5mg, oral pill): My E2 level landed higher than they liked yesterday, so we're adding another pill into the mix for the next eight days.

HCG Trigger (1ml, IM injection): When we found out that we would be triggering tonight-a few days earlier than we expected-my husband packed up and drove back down to his parents house and me, towing the necessary extra clothes and trigger shot that I needed for tomorrow.

Before I knew it, 11:45pm arrived and I was icing my behind and planning our shooting location. My husband stood above me, ready to pierce a 22 1/2 Gage needle through my ice cold flesh and into my muscle and tissue, sending a final dose of raging hormones meant to release my organic pumpkin patch.

And I just kept praying that they'd ripe enough this time.

Follicle Count Ultrasound and E2: I was experiencing such an insane mix of emotions as I sat there on that table, watching the fuzzy black screen lay out the rest of this cycles agenda for me in the form of round, dark blobs.

As I sat up and tried to cover myself with the flimsy pink paper that is supposed to act as a blanket but offers no such coverage or warmth, the doctor smiled and stated that we are on for a trigger tonight and retrieval tomorrow. I tried incredibly hard to get excited, but my emotions froze solid as I realized that last time, we did the exact same thing at the very same time, with the same amount of meds, on precisely the same cycle day.

And the heat rose uncontrollably to my cheeks as I considered what that meant.

I wanted to remind the doctor that last time, my eggs ended up not being mature at this stage of the game. I wanted him to remember that I endured weeks and weeks of shots, pills, suppositories, bruising, emotional insanity and tears only to have my precious follicles taken from me too early. I needed him to recall that last time he took my follicles from me, he never gave them back.

This time, I want them back.

But instead I smiled politely and sat through the rest of today's instructions and the trigger shot lecture, falling apart on the inside. To keep myself from breaking down in tears, I repeated in my head that God is in control, and the doctor knows what he's doing. He knows me, he knows follicles, and he knows what happened last time; and I have no doubts that he wants to avoid the disasters of last time just as much as I do.

Every cycle is different, and just because last time resulted in failure doesn't mean this time will yield the same results. And my E2 level was slightly higher than they like to see yesterday, so I'd like to think that means that my little pumpkins are larger in size and more numerous in quantity this time around, and that could be a very good thing.

I need that to be a very good thing, because I can't do last time again.

Wednesday, 10-7-09 (Day 22)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Massive amounts of sugar were consumed today, in order to ensure the sweetness of my little pumpkins, of course.

Dostinex (.5mg oral pill): I'm not sure exact what the purpose of this medicine is besides holding or lowering E2 levels, the bottle says it may cause upset stomach, headache, and nausea.

Pretty much everything I'm already experiencing, so I wouldn't know the difference.

Clindamycin (150mg vaginal suppository): These are always fun.

Tonight, I'm dancing dangerously close between excitement and insanity. I realize that focusing on the dates and methods of last cycle aren't going to help anything other than to feed my over analyzing obsessive compulsive nature. The doctor is the expert, if he feels that now is the appropriate time to release my precious follicles then I need to accept that, trust him, and move on.

I serve a God that is bigger and more powerful than follicle counts, lining sizes, and retrieval dates. It's still hard knowing that God is more than capable of allowing this to work, but it may not be in His will to do so. He knows the desire in our hearts, but that doesn't mean our prayers will be answered just as we ask them to be.

But I do know it will be OK. I'm holding onto faith that no matter what the outcome is tomorrow, God will bless us in one way or another. Instead of focusing on the mistakes of the past, I'll remember the victories, no matter how small; like free birth control pills, donated medicine, easy shots, and the simple fact that we're able to be on this journey in the first place.

And I'll expect a miracle.

Or maybe two.

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."
-Wayne Dyer

Triple Shot

Thursday, 10-1-09 (Day 16)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Grapes.

I can't get enough grapes.

Lupron (5units, subQ injection): Easy.

Follistim (225units, subQ injection): Tonight I agreed to watch my two nephews for a few hours while my sister and brother-in-law ran around town. So with two under the age of two and my injection schedule falling dangerously close to bath, bottle and bed time, everything was a little crazy.

Just how I like it.

As my husband and I tried as quickly as possible to set everything out and get the injections going, the youngest was crying and drooling on the kitchen floor-wanting to be picked up-and the oldest was trying to create a mural on my walls and linoleum flooring with his crayons.

It made us seriously think twice about what we were about to do.

Luveris (1/2ml, subQ injection): I was scared. Petrified, actually. After last cycles craziness where I inadvertently administered a super concentrated dose of this medicine for lack of paying attention-twice-I was terrified of messing up again. So my heart was racing as I pulled apart the first tiny box and set out my vials, the directions, and an alcohol wipe.

And that's when the trouble began.

The e-mail from my nurse coordinator called for a 3cc syringe, but all I could find was a 1cc syringe. Knowing it would work but wanting to follow the directions to a "T", I dug in my excess needle bag and found a 3ml syringe.

And then I had a brain fart.

For some unknown reason, someone decided that a ml should be the same thing as a cc, but with a different name. This I knew, but I was scared and nervous and being completely ridiculous, so I froze. I called my mother, then my sister, and after neither of them answered, I called my friend Jenny (who's also a nurse) just to make sure a ml was in fact equivalent to a cc.

After my frantic phone calls confirmed what I already knew, I read the directions another twenty-million times and finally drew out the 1ml of dilutent and inserted it into the powder vial, gently turning it between my fingers until it was completely dissolved. As I watched the powder liquefy and turn perfectly clear, my paranoia faded to relief.

And then it was time to draw it out. This freshly mixed vial full of 1ml of liquid was enough for two of my 1/2ml shots, so all I had left to do was draw out half with one needle, and half with another, which of course ended up being much easier said than done.

By the time I was finished fighting with the tiny, air tight vial and the clumsy, bulky needles, I had more than half of the mixture in one syringe, and less half in the other.

Never a dull moment.

Friday, 10-2-09 (Day 17)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): We left for my in-laws today, so I'm pretty sure I'll be eating nothing good for me this weekend, because I'm lacking the self control to make good food choices while away from home.

Might as well just accept it now.

Lupron (5units, subQ injection):I'm just amazed at how proud I am of the amount of bruising covering my belly from these injections.

Follistim (225units, subQ injection): Even after four full days of stimulation drugs, my hard working ovaries are still feeling amazingly normal. Absolutely no twinges, pains, cramps, soreness or bloating.

My body was made for this.

Luveris (1/2ml, subQ injection):Tonight's injection was practically foolproof because I was just using the leftovers from last nights injection.

If only it were always this easy.

Saturday, 10-3-09 (Day 18)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): Still taking them; still eating.

Lupron (5units, subQ injection):When I ordered my medication for this cycle, I didn't have to order any more Lupron because someone graciously donated all that I needed, and I still had enough left over syringes from my first batch to get me through.

Or so I thought.

Of course I waited until I was down to the last syringe to go and look for more in my bag of extra syringes, and I found that I was indeed lacking the small ones measuring in units that I use for my Lupron injections.

Because having the right amount of needles would be too perfect right now.

Follistim (225units, subQ injection): Because we don't know how many day's this week I'll be driving to Sacramento to be monitored, my husband and I decided that it would be best for him to go home tonight and I'll stay here at his parents house, which is much closer to the doctors office. That way, he won't miss anymore work than he has too, and I won't have to drive as far.

So tonight, he resumed his duties one final time and gave me my Follistim injection. He's always been in charge of the Follistim Pen, so I was instructed to watch very closely to avoid a probable disaster as I inject myself tomorrow night, completely unattended.

It's fairly easy, but it's just always been his contribution to this process, and I couldn't help but feel slightly overwhelmed as he walked me through the steps of loading and injecting the medication. After he was sure that I had it down he packed his bags and left, leaving me standing there with a new bruise and another injection to manage.

Then my hormones kicked in, and I fought back the tears.

Which is pretty ridiculous because after all, I'm the one that cooked up this crazy idea in the first place. This bright idea came into play when I figured it only takes one of us to attend the follicle check on Monday, and I happen to be the one with a vagina and a pumpkin patch.

But he's the one with the Follistim skills.

Luveris (1/2ml, subQ injection): After my mini breakdown, I had to suck it up and finish my injection duties. Still slightly paranoid about messing up this delicate mixing of medicine, I reread my printed out instructions another fifty-million times and followed them exactly.

But I still ended up with more than half in one syringe, and less than half in the other.

Sunday, 10-4-09 (Day 19)

Dexamethasone (.75mg, oral pill): I just hope this tiny little pill does it's job and holds up it's end of the bargain, keeping my body from rejecting those precious embryos that we'll be implanting in the next few weeks.

And I hope my follicles hold up their end of the bargain and we make it that far.

Lupron (5units, subQ injection): My mother saved the day and raid the hospital for enough unit syringes to hold me over until tomorrows appointment.

Follistim (225units, subQ injection): Once again, I'm at my in-laws church that happends to run an hour later than ours does at home, and I'm forced to shoot up in the kitchen as the clock strikes 6:30pm.

Only this time, I'm doing it alone.

Without my husband in tow to manage the lookout, I resorted to opening the industrial sized fridge door and attempting to hide behind it, all while nervously handling my very first Follistim injection. With my left hip acting as a door stop, I reached over to the counter and put together the pen. Then I opened the alcohol swab and lifted up my dress, trying in one swift motion to swipe and stick.

But when you don't let the alcohol dry, that sucker burns.

Luveris (1/2ml, subQ injection):Then it was time for the luveris. Luckily, this was another left over of a two part injection, so it was already mixed and in the syringe, ready to go. But because I was bleeding from my Follistim injection, I had to take a few seconds to clean up my pooch before bringing more damage to the site, all while still indecently exposed and propping open the ginormous fringe door.

And just as the Luveris cap was off and ready to inject, I heard someone coming.

Faster than I ever thought I could move while half naked and wearing 3" stilettos, I dropped my dress-and the injection-slamming the fridge door and casually leaning up against it like it's normal to hang out by the fridge while everyone else is sitting in church services.

And I waited.

But no one came. because It turns out I had mistaken the ice maker for someone stomping down the hall, on their way to expose me and my floral panties. So after I pulled myself together-and picked my injection up off the floor-I opened the fridge back up, repositioned my self and my dress, and finished the job.

Simple and easy are overrated anyway.

"Life is filled with a lot of stuff, you know. There should never be a dull moment."
-Bea Arthur